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The following article was published on PWTorch.com five years ago...

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for this month's WWE pay-per-view picks.

DISCLAIMER: Predictions are made by myself and for myself and feature no assistance from members of the WWE creative staff. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Contestants not appearing on stage will receive a supply of Fig Newtons. (Regular cookies are just cookies, but Newtons are fruit and cake.) If you don't want Smackdown spoiled for you, turn away now and come back after you watch it. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.

Brock Lesnar [artist Joseph Borzotta (c) PWTorch]

As usual, this preview is based on what I would do if I were in charge of the pay-per-view. There's some extra work to be done this month in McNeill Fantasy World, however. Just look at this blurb, ripped from a whole lot of wrestling websites:

Reports indicate that Vince McMahon and Stephanie McMahon LIKED Monday Night RAW this week and thought it was a very good show.

Say WHAT? There's no room for this crap in McNeill Fantasy World. Screw you, Vince McMahon, you're FIIIIIIIRED! And your little girl too. Beat it. We'll send your things after you.

After spending the rest of the weekend replacing loyal WWE personnel with my own army of cronies and family members (Hey, at least I'm honest about it), we're about ready to tackle this pay-per-view on Sunday night. Given the incredible attention paid to the Smackdown undercard (you'd think Heyman was booking or something), I'm making a command decision and adding a couple of Smackdown matches to the show. Let's see. How about Kidman & Val Venis vs. Eddie & Chavo? And Jamie Noble vs. Tajiri? Okay, we're ready now.

On Sunday Night Heat: About a zillion video packages air. Chris Nowinski defeats Al Snow by disqualification when Tommy Dreamer interferes. Snow and Nowinski team up to attack Dreamer after the match. For some reason, that "teacher and student" thing works for me.

Trish Stratus vs. Victoria (Women's Title): This is one occasion when Vince McMahon's vindictive booking makes sense. The WWE wants to prove to Joanie Laurer that they create another Chyna. All you need is a woman who is better looking, a better talker and a better wrestler. Prediction? Victoria wins the belt, on her way to being The Next Big Diva. Victoria and Trish feud all the way through Royal Rumble.

Rob Van Dam vs. Ric Flair: Ric Flair once again cost RVD a pivotal match against Triple H on Monday. Yes, a match which featured wrestlers surrounding the ring was decided by interference. What were the odds? Prediction? Come on. Did you really think Ric Flair was going to get the win here? Van Dam wins, but Flair finally hits that bump over the turnbuckle, so it's all good.

Christian & Jericho vs. Booker T & Goldust (Raw Tag Titles): Two Canadian guys won the tag titles on Monday in an angle that was completely well-planned and not out of left field in the least. Prediction? Oh, hell. Give Booker and Goldust a win for once, why don't we? Goldust pins Christian in a crowd-pleasing moment.

Rey Mysterio & Edge vs. Kurt Angle & Chris Benoit (Smackdown Tag Titles): Let's see. There are no babyface tag teams to feud with Angle and Benoit if they win the belts? Plus Angle and Benoit are at each other's throats. Brain surgery, this ain't. Prediction? Angle and Benoit just can't get along, and it costs them the tag titles. Rey and Eddie move on to feud with Los Guerreros, and we get another month of Angle and Benoit feuding.

Triple H vs. Kane (RawContinental Title): The bit with Triple H and Kane was unintentionally funny on Monday, but there's no way to write around. Prediction? The match ends in a no-contest was Katie Vick returns from the dead and uses her telekinetic powers to set Triple H and Kane on fire. We immediately end the feud and never speak of it again. Katie eventually becomes Kane's new manager, after she calms down a little bit.

Brock Lesnar vs. Undertaker (Hell in the Cell): We need SOMETHING for this match Prediction?. How about Matt Hardy hiding under the cage? It's a two-on-one assault. 'Taker beats up Matt convincingly before getting dropped by Lesnar for the pinfall.

Which leads us to: A downright GREAT Survivor Series lineup at the Garden, with Brock Lesnar defending against Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle in a big Triple Threat match, plus Triple H defending his Big Gold Belt against Booker T. See how simple that was? And I'm not even from Hollywood.

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