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MCNEILL'S TAKE
Hanging From The Rafters! McNEILL previews TNA Bound For Glory Oct 14, 2007 - 12:50:56 PM
Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for the Super Bowl of TNA pay-per-view preview columns!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from TNA management. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a set of Healthy Gourmet cookware. Featuring state of the art stainless steel waterless cookware designed for today's modern kitchens. Furnished by Americraft. Also, if you guess the actual retail value of your showcase within one hundred dollars without going over, you win both showcases. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had control over Total Nonstop Action, instead of the cougar and her Usual Gang Of Idiots.
This is TNA’s biggest pay-per-view of the year. We know this because the guy who sounds like James Earl Jones said so. Thanks to the extra hour of Impact, Total Nonstop Action has had twice their usual amount of television time to convince wrestling fans to purchase Sunday night’s show. Before you mock the effectiveness of TNA’s sales job, let me point out that TNA’s executives managed to convince Spike TV that the ratings of TNA Impact would go up once the show went to two hours, despite a lack of factual evidence to back up that claim. Either the people in charge of TNA are very persuasive, or wrestling fans are smarter than the programming executives over at Spike TV.
On the Taped Pre-Show: Enjoy "The Road to Bound for Glory", with an exciting TNA Knockouts match, video packages and pre-taped interviews.
Abyss vs. Black Reign vs. Raven vs. Rhino (Monster’s Ball): What better way to honor the alleged Super Bowl of professional wrestling. It’s as if the NFL decided to hold chop blocking, spearing and leg whip contests during the Super Bowl pregame show. (Actually, that would be more entertaining than the Super Bowl pregame show. Never mind.) Projection? Rhino gores Dustin through the men’s room wall, then Abyss drops Raven on some fake broken glass for the win.
BG James vs. Kip James vs. Alex Shelley vs. Chris Sabin vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Petey Williams vs. Chris Harris vs. Havok vs. Eric Young vs. Robert Roode vs. James Storm vs. Shark Boy vs. Lance Hoyt vs. Jimmy Rave vs. Junior Fatu vs. Any Other Random Former WWE Guys Who Are Willing To Work For $250 Or Less (Undercard Reverse Battle Royal Match): Look on the bright side. At least none of us has to do play-by-play for this trainwreck. That job falls to poor Mike Tenay. Projection? Junior Fatu finally scores an important win in Total Nonstop Action, earning a title shot and setting the stage for a big championship match on Impact.
Steiner Brothers vs. Team 3-D (2 Out Of 3 Tables Match): Hey, remember when people were looking forward to this match? Me either. Projection? We’ll go by WWE rules here and assume that the former Dudleys will once again lose their signature match. Besides, what are the odds of Scott Steiner take a bump through a table?
Traci Brooks vs. Roxy Leveaux vs. Jackie Moore vs. Gail Kim vs. Amazing Kong vs. Angel Williams vs. Talia Madison vs. Christy Hemme vs. Shelly Martinez vs. ODB (Gauntlet Match - TNA Knockout Title): Yet another gauntlet match, except this time we get part-time lady wrestlers. Oh, joy. Projection? Amazing Kong starts second and runs the table, because she’s Amazing Kong.
Latin American Xchange vs. Elix Skipper & Senshi (Ultimate X Match): Really, this is an excuse to have Elix Skipper in an Ultimate X match. Hernandez will defend the honor of agile big men everywhere after the Samoa Joe incident from a couple years ago. Projection? Elix Skipper takes a crazy bump, Hernandez powerbombs Senshi, and Homicide grabs the big X to earn his team the title shot.
Ron Killings & Adam "Suspended" Jones vs. AJ Styles & Tyson Tomko (TNA World Tag Team Titles): Reports indicate that TNA bookers have a "great idea" to keep PacMan Jones wrestling for another month. Unfortunately, the best idea was not hiring him in the first place. Projection? Jones walks out on Killings and the Coalition double teams The Truth to win the tag team belts.
Jay Lethal vs. Christopher Daniels (TNA X Division Title): Two of the best wrestlers in TNA battle over what should be a major title. The major storyline behind this match involves Daniels muttering to himself and looking upwards. Is he back to worshipping Sting? Who knows? Projection? Black Machismo grabs the win with the Lethal combo. TNA gives to give Lethal a valet in order to push this Black Machismo character over the top.
Samoa Joe vs. Christian Cage (w/ special guest enforcer Matt "Who?" Morgan): There are two possible outcomes to this feud. Either Samoa Joe feuds with Matt Morgan, or Christian Cage feuds with Matt Morgan. This is not good news. Projection? Joe pins Christian after Tomko’s interference backfires, and we end up getting a feud between mediocre lumps Tomko and Morgan.
Kurt Angle vs. Sting (TNA World Title Match): Bound for Glory is TNA’s WrestleMania, and TNA rips off a lot of ideas from World Wrestling Entertainment. In other words, we need the happy ending. Projection? Sting manages to reverse the Ankle Lock and applies to Scorpion for the victory. For the second year in a row, Sting leaves Bound for Glory with the TNA belt.
Aftermath: Next month is TNA Genesis. (Remember that if you are, say, a TORCH columnist and you somehow keep forgetting the names of these monthly pay-per-view spectacles.) We should see the Angle vs. Sting rematch, LAX vs. AJ Styles & Tomko, and Jay Lethal vs. Senshi.
*** Pat McNeill of Fairfax, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He recommends Peggy Noonan’s "What I Saw At The Revolution" for your reading enjoyment. His "McNeill Factor" column appears weekly in the Torch Newsletter.
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