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McNEILL's TNA Impact Real Time Review: Before Genesis, It's A Land Of Confusion
Oct 25, 2007 - 10:05:20 PM |
By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist
The recap of last week's show includes Nash powerbombing Angle and Roode helping Christian. Backstage, the Angles and Kevin Nash are teasing dissension…again. And the announcers are falling for it…again.
According to the voiceover, tonight's match between Sting and Kurt Angle is about wives, children and best friends. What about the title? I could have sworn the title was on the line.
We start with an 8 man tag. VKM & Tomko & AJ vs. LAX & Steiners.
Are there any intro videos in TNA that don't involve speeded up highway footage?
LAX vs. AJ & Tomko is the main event next week. You know how excited the live crowds seem on TNA PPV's? They manage to tone that down for Impact. I see another 1.0 rating in their future. Kip is wearing Those Pants again. Everyone's making an effort, just in case people are watching. The crowd's chanting for Hernandez. Tenay and West have completely tuned out the match. Commercial.
We get an ad for Christian Cage DVD w/ lots of Adam Copeland on it.
West remembers to hype Hernandez, who is quite the athlete. Hernandez has to wait on Roxxi's interference. But that's not the finish. A new LAX guy runs in with a slapjack for Homicide, because LAX can't beat VKM without help. To the back!
Sting tells Crystal that the title match isn't about the title. Well, why would it be? Cut back to the Angles. Karen is distraught. Kurt tells Karen to seduce Nash. Karen refuses, because she isn't drunk yet. Kurt goes off in his Escalade to hit the package store. Ah, young love.
The fight for the Right tournament ends at Genesis. Okay.
Eric Young vs. James Storm. Winner gets Kaz next week. There's a lot of Eric Young fans in the crowd. Eric sells for the entrance pyro. Commercial time.
There's the opening bell, and Storm takes over. Young comes back, steals the cowboy hat and does the Fargo strut. Ah, memories. Tenay says Sting versus. Angle deserves the spotlight, which is why it's on in TNA Impact instead of, you know, on the next pay-per-view. By the way, is there anyone who has looked at the brackets of this tournament and hasn't figured out who's winning the whole thing?
This is an okay match if you ignore the fact that the wrestlers' styles don't quite mesh. A Death Valley Driver doesn't finish it. Storm accidentally hits Jackie. Eric checks on her. Dumbass. Storm wins with the superkick. So, Kaz vs. James Storm next week. Call the neighbors! After the match, Jackie decides to give Eric a beer. Storm agrees. Are Storm and Jackie going face? Because I'd be okay with that, despite the fact that it doesn't make sense.
Karen goes into Nash's room to seduce him, and brings Jeremy Borash and the camera crew along. Nash turns her down because he's not interested. Nash lets Jeremy stay behind, then admits that he wants a cold shower. I can understand the whole "bros before hos" strategy, except for when it comes to finding someone to take a shower with. Commercial time.
With the Boston College-Virginia Tech game on ESPN and the World Series on FOX, I'm having a hard time imagining anyone watching Impact live instead of taping it. Present company excepted, of course. Here in Fairfax, there's another ad for that Cyber Sunday show. Good seats are still available. There's an ad for the new TNA website, featuring TNA today.
Earlier today, Mike Tenay sat down with Team 3D. Mike Tenay asks why anyone would give a crap about the X division. Bubba agrees. Remember, Team 3D put TNA on the map, despite the fact that the ratings are exactly the same as they were before Team 3D arrived. Basically, Team 3D is upset at the Guns for costing them the Steiners match. Of course, Team 3D had started beating up X division guys before then. Stick around for the second hour of Impact, the hour without a main event.
Havok vs. Petey Williams vs. Sharkboy vs. Sonjay Dutt. Sonjay is panhandling. Those poor X division kids don't even get cab fare from the airport to the studios. Now Sharkboy is out with his neckbrace. Remember when Petey used to get pushed? Now he looks like Mikey Batts with pectoral muscles. Just as I type that, Petey does a slingshot rana and lands on his feet. Now everyone takes turns diving onto each other.
Team 3D comes out and beats the piss out of everybody with Havok's kendo stick. Have these four X division guys asked for their releases? Well, maybe they should think about it. The ex-Dudleys have the tables. Bubba announces that the beatings will continue, they're the greatest tag team ever, blah blah blah. Petey and Havok eat some tables. Up next, Sting versus Angle. Commercial time.
Crystal talks to Roode and Brooks. Why did Roode attack Samoa Joe? It was business. So, he wanted Joe out of the tournament? I'll buy that. Roode says he's tired of the same guys main eventing every week. Well, I'm tired of the same guys writing this crap every week.
Sting vs. Kurt Angle. It's time for the biggest match ever on Impact, except for the last time Angle and Sting wrestled on Impact. At least it's not the biggest night in the history of our sport. Sting, the pissed-off parent, starts the big grudge match by trying to lock up with Angle. Meanwhile, Tenay talks about how great TNA is at delivering pay-per-view quality matches on Impact, because WWE never does that. Kevin Nash comes out to ringside. Commercial time. There's an ad for the TNA Meltdown CD, with Konnan's song on it.
We come back as Sting blocks the Angle Slam and hits a DDT. The fans are really into this match. Angle shoves Sting onto Nash, and Sting punches Nash. Sting misses the Splash in the corner. Counter, counter, counter, Scorpion Deathlock. Nash gets on the apron, ref bump, Olympic Slam. Earl Hebner runs in to make the three count. That was almost a clean win by TNA standards. Angle flips Nash the bird and sneaks off. Jim Cornette comes out, the refs are arguing, and we go to commercial.
Kurt Angle is now a twelve-time World Champion. Not that anyone's been keeping score…
We're back and Tenay tries to pretend Cornette and the refs have been arguing for four minutes during the break. Cornette drags the refs to the back to watch the videotape. Well, that sort of makes sense. Tenay grabs Cornette in the aisle and starts yelling that Sting should be champion. Cornette tells him to get bent. Tenay is pissed. Time for the next match.
Angel Williams vs. Awesome Kong. Oh, this will go well. West suggests that they focus on the match in the ring. Ha, ha, ha! That's funny. Kong is carrying a picture of Gail Kim, like she's a Terminator looking for Sarah Connor. West calls the match while Tenay sulks. Finally, Tenay splits to talk to Cornette. The wind from Kong's clothesline knocks down Angel. Kong wins with the sitdown powerbomb, then checks the picture again. Darn, wrong lady wrestler.
Last week on Impact, Black Reign's rat attacked Abyss. No, that's not an insider reference. Cut to backstage where, coincidentally, Abyss and Black Reign are brawling. Black Reign and Mitchell put Abyss's head in a vice (you know, the one they use to crush walnuts backstage) and puts the rat on Abyss's head while the masked man spills all he knows about Charlie M. And Nicky was the new boss of Las Vegas. Commercial time.
In seventeen days, TNA presents Genesis. To the back! Kevin Nash gives Jim Cornette an ultimatum, promising to put Cornette's head through a wall if he doesn't get a title shot. Matt Morgan remembers he's in the room and takes offense.
Junior Fatu versus perennial lower card guy Robert Roode. Roode pulls out a chair for Traci to sit on at ringside. Fans due the Rikishi dance during Fatu's entrance. Don is still announcing by himself. Now Christian Cage comes out to put a ladder at ringside. We haven't even started the match and there's already a run-in. Cage sits in on commentary. He's challenging the winner to a ladder match in the next round. Fatu misses a couple of buttdrops, but recovers quickly. Roode hits a DDT and we go to commercial.
We return with Roode still in control. TNA is doing a hostile takeover on another company, according to Don West and TNA Mobile. Are they buying that indy promotion that's for sale on Craig's List? I mean, after you're wasted fifty million, what's another hundred grand? Don teases an update on the title situation in a few minutes. Apparently in TNA land, confusion over who's holding the championship means ratings.
Hey, another ref bump! That's two this hour. Fatu stinkfaces Roode and the referee. We get a clear shot of Roode calling Fatu something that rhymes with "brother trucker". Here comes Samoa Joe to take the chair from Roode and deliver a chairshot. Fatu wins. Joe chases Christian to the back.
Backstage, Kurt Angle drives off rather than face Kevin Nash.
Back in the ring, Jim Cornette and Mike Tenay have an announcement. They apologize to each other. Cornette rambles and says we're having Angle & Nash vs. Sting and a partner at Genesis, with the winner of the fall getting the title. Tenay gives Cornette the stinkeye, and I demand a screencap of Tenay's face. Sting materializes in the ring and says he'll pick his own partner.
"Well, I've got more questions now!" blurts Don West.
You and me both, pal.
***
My rating? 5.0 out of a possible 10. The first hour was bad, the second hour was okay, and the show moved quickly. It could have been much worse. For example, I could have missed the finish to the football game or the baseball game.
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