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McNEILL's TNA Impact Real Time Review: Who's Wrestling? It's A Mystery!
Nov 1, 2007 - 10:41:35 PM |
By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist
It was just seventy weeks ago that TNA Impact celebrated their first 1.0 rating. Now, sixteen months later, they have built on their success and soared all the way to, uh, the 1.0 rating they got last week.
We kick off this week's show with Angle and Angle. Kurt complains about the stupid booking of the main event of Genesis. Amazingly, what's he's most upset about is not knowing who Sting's mystery partner. Sting should let Angle stew for a while, which means…
Yep. Cue Sting's music. We get a clunky edit as Kurt explains to us that he has two college degrees and is therefore a genius. Sting, for some reason, tells us his partner is a former WWE and WCW champion who has worked with Angle before and doesn't like Kurt.
Here comes Kevin Nash. Mike Tenay promises us that this is where it gets good. Nash suggests Angle should worry about the broken down guy with the bad knees instead of Sting and Sting's partner. Angle dares Nash to come down to the ring. When Angle bails, Sting throws Angle back in the ring. Nash and Sting pinball Angle for a while before leaving. The security geniuses separate the two forty-somethings in the ring. Or maybe they're holding Nash up. Who knows?
If you like mystery opponents, stay tuned. You see, Rikishi wanted more money, so he got replaced by a mystery opponent, who will take on Christian tonight.
"Kaz" Kazarian vs. "Beer Buzz" James Storm. This is a semifinal in the Vince Russo Midcard Tournament of Doom. Kaz flippy-flops all over Storm, and Storm hits the helicopter slam. Next up for Storm is Carlito's finish. That gets a near fall. The Million Dollar Kneelift gets Storm another near fall. The fans are so excited about red-hot babyface Kaz that they're chanting for his opponent. Naturally, this is the exact moment that Kaz pins Storm with a rollup into a bridge.
Eric Young comes out and hands Storm a six-pack to make up for the beer he poached last week. That 's cool. Storm and Young have an impromptu drink-off. They're running neck-and-longneck until we go to commercial. Stay tuned for the mystery opponent.
Ozzy and Rob Zombie return to DC on January 5th. There's another ad for the Christian Cage DVD.
Backstage, Kurt Angle is in a fake police interrogation room, trying to figure out who Sting's partner is. Karen busts Kurt's balls. Jeremy Borash holds the microphone. Oh, Kurt's planning to interrogate the entire TNA roster, except for the one guy (Sting) who actually knows the answer.
Kevin Nash explains to Crystal that he's not in cahoots with Kurt Angle, despite the fact that he pulled this exact same swerve last week, and the week before that. Nash says he's making some phone calls, and we'll know the identity of the mystery partner by the end of the show.
Bubba and D-Von are out with their "X Sux" T-shirts to run down the X division. Brother Ray says they had sex with Sabin and Shelley's mothers before the show, and that he's taken craps bigger than some X division wrestlers. Then he goes off on wrestling writers and columnists who have suggestions on improving the X division. I don't have any suggestions on the X division, but allow me to suggest that if Bubba's taking 140 pound dumps, maybe he should add some fiber to his diet.
Sabin and Shelley come out for the rebuttal. Shelley calls Bubba fat. Then he calls Bubba fat. Then he calls Bubba fat again. And once more for the road. Nope, still not tired of hearing it. D-Von and Ray go to get the tables…and there's no tables under the ring.
Triple X is on the ramp, and they have the tables. It's all a big swerve so the Jobber Justice League can attack from behind. Team 3-D winds up on the wrong end of a 9 on 2 beatdown and leaves the ring. The X division guys don't give chase. Instead, the Guns challenge 3-D to a match at Genesis. Commercial time.
We return with Angle and Borash interviewing Jay Lethal. Black Machismo thinks the mystery partner is Ultimate Warrior. Borash isn't buying it. On his way out, Jay locks eyes with the lovely Eliza..er…So Cal Val. Well then. The obvious next step is for Ron Killings to buy some tearaway T-shirts and team with Lethal as the Black Megapowers.
Crystal interviews Lance Hoyt, Jimmy Rave and Christy Hemme. Hoyt and Hemme bicker like they're on the Jerry Springer show.
Christy Hemme vs. Awesome Kong. Kong is carrying Gail Kim's picture, but Gail's not here. Tenay explains that Hemme accused Rave of driving a wedge between her and Hoyt. Normally, I knock Tenay for overexplaining stuff, but seeing as I wasn't paying attention, that was helpful. Meanwhile, Kong kills Hemme. Well, good for her. Now Hoyt and Rave can live happily ever after.
Kong checks the picture again, and compares it with Hemme. Nope, still not Asian. It's only three weeks until Russo has Kong scouring the massage parlors. To the back!
Crystal is sitting outside Sting's locker room. Eric Young is listening at the door, and learns the identity of the mystery partner. He shares the secret with Crystal. And then we go to commercial. When we return, Angle and JB are interrogating Robert Roode. Robert derails the interview by telling Kurt that Karen's out banging some guy. Given how rocky Kurt and Karen's marriage has been in real life, we're cutting a little too close to home.
Crystal's back, and interviewing Dustin, who talks about Black Reign in the third person. Abyss drops by, and he doesn't want to hear it. He throws Dustin around the Backstage Area of Noisy Props before facing the camera and saying his catchphrase. "Foof!" Well, that's what it sounded like.
Back in the interrogation room, Chris Harris is yelling at Kurt Angle. Well, that doesn't make sense. Maybe Mike Tenay can explain it after the commercial.
Nope, after the commercial it's Angle interrogating the New Age James Gang Voodoo Mafia. Because this show is a giant Warner Brothers cartoon, B.G. Bunny quickly turns the tables on Elmer Fudd Angle and starts psychoanalyzing Kurt, who breaks down in tears.
Crystal interviews Christian, who wants to know why there was only four minutes of wrestling in the entire first hour. Cage storms off. Crystal peeks next door and hears Kevin Nash yelling at someone over a cell phone.
Samoa Joe & Gail Kim vs. Robert Roode & Our Ms. Brooks. Rain from SHIMMER, who has died her hair blonde, is in the crowd as a plant. Gail Kim will defend the Knockout Title at Genesis, against three other women. Maybe they're mystery wrestlers too. Roode literally throws Brooks into the ring after the opening bell. Oh, my goodness. Is this a wrestling match? I'd forgotten what these were like.
The match keeps going, and Roode Inc. isn't getting much offense in. Joe makes Roode tap with the Kokina Clutch, but Roode's not the legal, er, woman. That's okay, because Kim pins Brooks a few seconds later. Roode grabs the mic and berates Traci until Gail gets annoyed and starts attacking Roode. When Roode fights back, Joe makes the save. Commercial time.
TNA Home Video presents "TNA: Year 1" on DVD. That ought to be good for a laugh. When we return, Roode and Samoa Joe are still brawling. You see, Rain distracted Joe, allowing Roode to ram Joe into the steps. Joe is busted open. Of course, this is our cue to go…to the back!
Angle and Borash interrogate Angel Williams and Talia Madison. Angel and Talia have been watching the show, and tell Kurt to go ask Eric Young. And they beat up Borash on the way out. That's the best segment of the show. By default.
Christian Cage vs. Mystery Opponent. Double C brings a ladder with him. The mystery opponent is Chris Harris. Oh. I see. Well, THIS will convince fans that TNA knows how to deliver on big surprises. By the way, Samoa Joe will fight Robert Roode at Genesis. Tenay and West explain that Chris Harris is turning heel. This is good news, because it means that Harris and Storm will both be heels, and can reform America's Most Wanted. Ponder that as we go to commercial.
We return in time for Christian to miss a frog splash. The winner of this match gets Kaz next week in the finals of the Something Or Other Tournament. This is an actual full-length match, which means the crack TNA production crew is trying to make sure we see as little of it as possible. Harris reverses the Unprettier into a neckbreaker, but that's not the finish. Christian gets the pin, pulling the tights and using the ropes for leverage. It's Christian vs. Kaz on Impact next week. Call the neighbors. Harris complains to the ref, so Christian steamrolls the Wildcat with the ladder, then hits a frog splash off of said ladder. To the back!
Crystal asks Kevin Nash what happened with that phone call earlier. Nash begs off, saying he has to go talk to Angle. Well, so much for that swerve. Commercial time.
Forty World Championships Combined. Ninety-nine percent of America permanently driven away. Order now!
When we return, Kurt Angle is waterboarding Eric Young. Eric won't talk. That's our cue to go hype Genesis. Don and Mike are interrupts by Black Reign, who somehow gained control over the video screen behind the announcers. Black Reign promises to unleash Abyss's worst nightmare at Genesis. Sigh.
A.J. Styles & Tomko vs. Latin American Xchange, for the TNA Tag Team Titles. We establish that Hernandez is bigger than Styles, so A.J. tags in Tomko. Hernandez clubbers both the heels, then tags in Homicide, who dives on the champs. Commercial time.
We return just in time for Tomko to take over. Styles finally pins Hernandez with a 450 splash. The fake LAX guy runs in with the slapjack. Tomko and Styles bail, only to be jumped from behind on the rampway by the Steiner Brothers.
Back in the interrogation room, Kurt Angle has his wife in the hot seat. Kurt smells Aqua Velva on Karen and wants to know who she's fooling around with. Nash walks in and announces that he knows the identity of the mystery partner. It's Scott Hall. We close out with the narrator voice over telling us that Hall will be on Impact next week.
***
My rating? 2.0 out of a possible 10. The first hour was awful. Horrible writing, and the show looked like it was edited by some random crackhead from the streets of Orlando. Bob Carter ought to drop by 10th Avenue in Nashville tomorrow with a round of pink slips. The tag title match may have been the only redeeming portion of the program. Just incredibly confusing, convoluted and atrociously executed.
Other than that, it wasn't so bad.
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