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I cheated this week. I was too tired and cranky to do this last night, so I went to sleep early and watched Impact on Friday morning. Hopefully, this will lead to a more objective review, or at least some better one-liners.

It was just seventy-one weeks ago that TNA Impact celebrated their first 1.0 rating. Now, sixteen months later…Wait, I already did that joke.

Scott Hall returns tonight. In fact, there he is arriving at the Impact Zone. He looks pretty good, compared to those pictures of him floating around last year. Tonight, we also have a six man tag. And there are the happy faces of Don West and Mike Tenay. Will Scott Hall be Sting's mystery partner on Sunday?

Kaz Kazarian vs. Christian Cage. This is the finals of the Fight for the Right tournament, with the winner getting a title shot. Christian brings a ladder to the ring with him. Tenay explains that the ladder is there to intimidate Kaz. Because if there's one thing we've learned in TNA, it's that the X division guys are scared of falling from high places. Don West goes on about how much fun it's been watching Kaz almost get a push. Tenay and West keep talking about something, but if you ignore them, this is a perfectly fine wrestling match. Let's go to commercial.

Want PacMan Jones's entrance music? Buy the TNA Meltdown CD.

During the break, we missed some wrestling. Christian goes to the work on the arm, then changes his mind so Kaz can kick him. Kaz remembers to clothesline Christian with his good arm. The fans are getting into the match as Kaz misses the top rope legdrop. Five seconds later Kaz is fine and going for a superplex. I'm expecting angry phone calls from people who know how to work main event style. A.J. Styles and Tomko come out. Kaz attacks A.J. The ref tries to put A.J. out of the ring and Christian puts a ladder upside his head for the pinfall.

Wait, here's Matt Morgan. Jim Cornette couldn't make it. Morgan calls this a "screwjob" and declares the match a no contest, then announces a rematch on Sunday, in a ladder match. Morgan's promo is a screwjob. His spiel is so rushed and uneven that Morgan brings back fond memories of Eric Watts.

Backstage, The Angles are huddled with Kevin Nash and Jeremy Borash. They're bickering again. Karen Angle yells again and offers to go talk to Scott Hall. She needs five minutes. I'm guessing she plans to seduce him. And she doesn't have much confidence in The Bad Guy. Commercial time.

Backstage, Christian and his coalition are with Crystal. Christian ends up doing a complete 180 during the promo and liking the idea of a ladder match. He also names A.J. Styles the captain of the tag team champions. Styles reacts by calling out Scott Steiner for an amateur wrestling match later tonight. I have no response for this.

Gail Kim vs. Alexa Jade. Jade is Alexa Thatcher from Shimmer. My over-under on actual wrestling is forty-five seconds. Tenay announces Styles & Tomko's title defense against the Steiners on Sunday. Alexa actually hits Sweet Shin Music on Gail. It's a real match, complete with Gail hitting her finisher for the win. Well, that was nice.

Oh, wait. Here comes VKM. They're here to distract Gail so Roxxi Leveaux can hit the Dominator on Gail. Angel Williams runs in and power bombs Roxxi. ODB runs in and hits Angel with a fallaway slam. Gail then hits ODB with a missile dropkick and leaves with the belt.

Backstage, Karen Angle tells Borash to stop looking at her breasts. Then she tells Scott Hall to start looking at her breasts. Scott Hall absolutely refuses to sleep with a married woman, just like Kevin Nash did last week. Hall is here to see Nash, because he lost Big Sexy's cell phone number during his last tequila bender or something. Time for a commercial.
When we return, Karen Angle has a plan. She walks into the men's room. Suddenly, Jeremy Borash is feeling funny about looking at Karen's cleavage.

Jay Lethal & Abyss vs. Team 3-D. Earlier today, Team 3-D beat up Shark Boy and Petey Williams in catering. Lethal makes his entrance, and flirts with So Cal Elizabeth at ringside. Abyss reprises his role as Lethal's partner from a couple months ago.
We interrupt this match for an announcement from Matt Morgan, who wisely hands the announcement to Tenay instead of trying to cut another promo. Jay Lethal will defend the X division title against Sonjay Dutt on Sunday. This is all happening way too fast.

Lethal gets the better of Brother Ray, then Brother Devon. Abyss tags in and cleans house. Back to Lethal under Bubba uses skullduggery to crotch Machismo on the ringpost. Jay takes the heat for a couple minutes until we go to commercial. Abyss gets the hot tag and runs wild until Black Reign runs in and they brawl into the crowd. Lethal tries to hold serve, but falls prey to a low blow and a Dummy Death Device, and D-Von gets the pin. Abyss and Blackdust fight all the way to the back. Team 3-D whips Lethal with their belts in the ring. Shelley and Sabin make the save and clear the ring. To the back!

Backstage, Karen Angle's apparently done seducing the men's room attendant and is back with Kurt, who wants to know what the heck's going on. Time for a commercial.

I have some free advice for TNA. It’s a phrase that rhymes with “Slow the Truck down.”

We’re back in time for Kurt Angle’s entrance. Kurt calls out Scott Hall, but Scott won’t come out. Angle goes backstage to look for The Bad Guy. He storms into Hall’s dressing room and finds Hall with Eric Young. You have to wonder what sort of conversation Angle was interrupting. Hall tells Angle he’s here to see Kevin Nash, and to back off. Angle takes a swipe at Scott, and Hall runs Angle into a wall. We then go to Tenay and West running down the pay-per-view lineup for Sunday.

Scott Hall just got the better of the TNA champion in a fight. So, Angle’s going to wrestle Hall some time soon, right?

To the back, where Crystal’s interviewing the Steiner Brothers. Crystal asks the Big Bad Booty Daddy about A.J.’s challenge. Steiner steals a line from Leon the Nieghbor and calls Styles a male cheerleader, then makes some more cracks about Styles’s size and talks about how he’s been sleeping with A.J.’s girlfriend. Meanwhile, A.J. makes his ring entrance. The Phenomenal One is wearing headgear and a singlet. This I like. We go to commercial.

Since the Steiners and the Dudleys are both making fun of younger, smaller wrestlers, shouldn’t they put aside their differences and form an alliance?

Scott Steiner vs. A.J. Styles in an amateur wrestling challenge. "Amateur wrestling challenge" here means the ring ropes have been removed, and the winner is the wrestler who scores the most takedowns in three minutes. Styles has a tough time until he throws powder in Steiner's eyes, enabling him to take down the big guy three times in about a minute. Scott gets his eyes cleared and starts manhandling A.J.. After the fourth Steiner takedown, Tomko runs in for the disqualification. Big Poppa Pump roughs up both members of the tag team champions before they bail. Too quick. TNA could have had a lot of fun with this segment had they only...well, you know.

Backstage in the Room of Fun, Kevin Nash offers to go talk to Scott Hall. Then we go to commercial. Again, don't these guys have e-mail accounts? Text messaging? Subscriptions to TNA Mobile?

We return with Crystal standing in front of Sting's locker room. Scott Hall exits and flirts with her. Awww. Mike Tenay explains the NWO Wolfpack. Sure, they're referencing stuff from nine years ago, but there are probably viewers who have no idea who Scott Hall is or why they should care about him.

Time for the main event. Sting & Samoa Joe & Eric Young vs. Kurt Angle & James Storm & Robert Roode. Roode is still accompanied by Tracy Brooks, and not by Rain, who is in the crowd staring down Tracy. Roode doesn't want any part of Joe and Angle doesn't want any of Sting, so Eric Young steps in with Angle, hits him with a phone book, then gets a little too much offense in until Angle takes charge. Karen Angle makes her way to ringside just in time for the commercial break.

We come back with more of this wrestling stuff. Now if we get the announcers to quit yelling at us, all would be well. Roode waits until the heels have the advantage on Joe before tagging in. Sting has to clean house, but Angle hits the Olympic Slam. Eric Young saves Sting, and Sting recovers in time to lock the Scorpion on James Storm for the submission victory. A big win for the challenger. To the back, where Kevin Nash is ready to go down to the ring and confront his old buddy Scott Hall. After the commercial, naturally.

We're back and the former Outsiders are facing off inside the hexagonal circle. Tenay has to tell everyone that "Hey, yo" is Hall's traditional opening line. There IS such a thing as overexplaining. Hall acts a little sloshed and ribs Nash about the grey hair. Hall asks where Nash was when Hall was in the gutter. Nash explains that couldn't deal with Hall's problems. They make up and Hall explains that he isn't Sting's partner. Tenay basically asks what the hell the point of that segment was. Kurt Angle's music hits, and he asks the same questions of Hall and Nash. Sting's music hits, and Sting appears, but we're desperately out of time.

***

Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist (6.5): This was a much better show than last week, with much better wrestling. At least this week, they acknowledged that everyone was supposed to be confused about the pointless Hall and Nash segment. In terms of selling the pay-per-view, the first hour was probably better than the second hour. People will probably want to see a Kazarian vs. Christian rematch as long as TNA delivers an actual finish on Sunday. On the other hand, mystery partners traditionally don't draw as well as wrestling promoters hope.

This show was a step in the right direction, and something TNA can build on, as long as they slow the truck down.


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