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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive Survivor Series projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event. Projections are not predictions, because this columnist is neither a McMahon nor "Fabulous Freebird" Michael Hayes nor Dusty Rhodes. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a gift certificate from the world famous Spiegel catalog. It's the ideal resource for the woman who knows that Spiegel means style. Spiegel, Chicago, Illinois, 60609. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.

Outside of the top two matches, this doesn’t look to a very good or special pay-per-view event. Due to time constraints, we'll make this a snappy preview.

Mickie James, Maria Kanellis, Torrie Wilson, Michelle McCool & Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix, Jillian Hall, Melina Perez, Victoria Varon & Layla El: This is a basic filler match, where the whole point will be to see which skimpy outfit each lady wrestler is wearing. Projection? After a few minutes of pedestrian action, this becomes a showcase for our ladies' champion, who cleans house and killifies Kelly Kelly with the Beth Valley Driver for the win.

Hornswoggle McMahon vs. The Great Khali: This is one if the dumbest, most uselsss comedy match ideas of the year, and it deserves one of the dumbest, most useless projections of the year. Projection? Jim Korderas is your referee. Jonathan Coachman shows up at ringside. After running away from Khali for a couple minutes, Hornswoggle the Leprechaun jumps on Khali's leg and starts humping away. Khali is stunned. Jim Korderas calls it a submission and signals the timekeeper. Coachman audibly screams for the timekeeper to ring the f'n bell. The camera follows Korderas, who jumps out of the ring, grabs a helpfully labeled sack of gold Hornswoggle has hidden under the ring, runs to the back, runs through backstage and into the parking garage. We see fellow referee Mike Posey at the wheel of Korderas's car. Korderas jumps in the passenger seat and the car drives off, leaving burnt rubber in its wake. Khali and Runjin Singh go nuts and trash ringside.

Michael Cole expresses shock and outrage at this move by Hornswoggle. He is rebuked by John Bradshaw Layfield. "Hey, what did you expect? He's a McMahon, isn't he?"

Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch vs. Hardcore Holly & Cody Rhodes (World Tag Team Titles): The main portions of this feud will be played out on Monday night, not on pay-per-view. Projection? After a hard-fought match, Cade and Murdoch put away Cody Rhodes with the high-low combination move. Hardcore Holly shakes his head disapprovingly.

C.M. Punk vs. John Morrison vs. Mike Mizanin (Triple Threat Match – ECW Heavyweight Title): Morrison and Miz are the new Smackdown tag team champs, but that's another feud that'll be played out on Tuesday night, not at the Survivor Series. Projection? Morrison goes to superkick C.M. Punk, but Punk ducks and The Miz gets a face full of John's boot. Punk tosses Morrison out of the ring and pins Mizanin.

Triple H, Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy, Rey Mysterio & Kane vs. Umaga, Ken Kennedy, MVP, Fit Finlay & Big Daddy V (Elimination Rules): It is difficult to get worked up over this match when none of the heels comes off as a legitimate threat to Triple H. Of course, WWE has booked around this situation before. Projection? We go back to the first ever Survivor Series tag match, twenty years ago. Umaga gets to play Andre, while The Game plays You Know Who. Hunter kicks us off by pinning Kennedy with the pedigree. Finlay pins Rey Mysterio after a shillelagh shot. MVP pins Kane with a double handful of tights. Matt Hardy pins MVP with a Twist of Fate. Big Daddy V pins Matt with a splash. Triple H is counted out after brawling with Umaga, Big Daddy V and Matt Striker at ringside while Finlay taunts him from inside the ring.

Jeff Hardy is down three on one. Big Daddy misses a splash and Jeff pins him with the Whisper in the Wind followed by a Swanton. Hardy pins Finlay with a double leg rollup. Umaga finally finishes off Jeff with a spike to the throat. Umaga is your sole survivor.

Dave Batista vs. The Undertaker (Hell in A Cell - Smackdown Heavyweight Title): The most anticipated match of the night, by far. Projection? Edge runs in, takes out the outside referee at a crucial moment in the match, and tries to go into the cell after Batista. The distraction enables Undertaker to score the win with the Last Ride. Undertaker has regained the Smackdown title.

Randy Orton vs. Shawn Michaels (WWE Heavyweight Title): Michaels can't use the superkick and Randy Orton can't cheat. Wow, these stipulations suck. Projection? A long and entertaining match ends when Triple H runs Mister McMahon away from ringside and Michaels wins the WWE title with his old move, the teardrop suplex.

Aftermath: We go to WWE Armageddon. Edge takes on Batista, and the former Degeneration X reunites to face Randy Orton and Umaga in a tag team street fight.

***

Pat McNeill of Fairfax, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He can't believe what he just saw at the end of the Browns-Ravens game. His longer "McNeill Factor" columns appear in the Torch Newsletter. Pat McNeill’s first book, "The Tables All Were Broken", is still available from many fine booksellers.


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