MCNEILL'S TAKE
McNEILL's TNA Impact Real Time Review (12/6/07): Cold Case(s).
Dec 7, 2007 - 4:32:34 PM |
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By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist
It is Week 10 of the two-hour TNA Impact on Spike TV, and the first night that the show goes up against the (equally tape-delayed) Extreme Championship Wrestling. Who takes it? Whose cuisine reigns supreme? I don't care. I'm watching this Friday morning after sitting through a horrible Thursday night NFL game. But the Redskins won, so I'm in a good mood.
We open with a video package recapping Sunday's pay-per-view. Can't we all get along? Then we go to a backstage montage of B.G. James, Scott Steiner, Petey Williams and Senshi all arriving at the building with their briefcases. This briefcase stipulation is based on the hit American game show "Deal Or No Deal". You know, there's a reason why NBC doesn't let the contestants on that show take the briefcases home with them between tapings.
LAX vs. Black Reign & Rellik. Welcome to TNA, where even the job guys are WWE castoffs. Don West points out how tough the Face Painted Freakshow guys for wrestling after being turned into pincushions on Sunday. LAX beats up Rellik for a while before Homicide gets the pin in an average television match.
Of course, the Rock and Rave Infection runs in and attacks LAX after the match. Of course, the Mystery Masked Latino takes Christy Hemme to Downtown Slapjack City. And of course, the announcers assume that the Mystery Masked Latino isn't a woman, but rather a man with a boob job. To the back!
Jeremy Borash stands by with Jim Cornette, who is ready to open the "Feast or Fired" briefcases. Only problem? No briefcases. Matt Morgan says he left the briefcases with Crystal. Cornette does a half-hearted Cornette rant and throws Morgan out. Team 3-D walks in and Cornette asks Brother Ray to give Jay Lethal the X title belt back. Brother Ray won't do it.
Jim Cornette then fires Brother Ray for disobedience, has security take the X title away, follows Brother Ray to his new job at Dairy Queen and cuts a promo on him through the drive-thru speakers*.
* In My Alternate Universe, that is.
In this universe, Jay Lethal and the Machine Guns come in and the wrestlers make a six man ladder against Team 3-D and Johnny Devine for POSSESSION of the title belt. You have got to be [excreting] me. Meanwhile, Kurt Angle led the Angle Alliance to the ring. Time for a commercial break. To the break!
We return from commercial, and Kurt Angle wants an in-ring meeting with Christian Cage, so he can ask Christian into the Angle Alliance. Even though we could do this now, Angle gives Christian until the second hour of the show. So, we go To The Back. Jeremy Borash is standing by with Christian and Robert Roode. Roode thinks this is a great idea. Cage gives Roode the verbal smackdown, but agrees to the meeting anyway. Again, is there an actual reason we can't do this NOW?
Gail Kim vs. ODB in a non-title match. Gail is still frazzled from the beating she took Sunday night. Mike Tenay claims the Gail-Kong match was the greatest women's match of all time. Then he declares tonight the biggest Nitro in the history of our sport, and drinks a bottle of Surge.* There were a couple of poorly timed spots in the match, which ends in about five minutes after ODB pops Gail between the eyes with her flask. ODB starts her postmatch pose routine until Awesome Kong's music plays. ODB bails and Kong attacks. Gail does a great job on her comeback until everyone hits the ring to pull the two ladies apart. This is some good stuff, so it must be time to go To The Back.
Backstage, Crystal Louthan and Matt Morgan had the four "Feast or Fired" briefcases set up like on "Deal or No Deal". Triple X walked in and began arguing, with Daniels demanding that Senshi hand over the briefcase. Senshi laughs, hands Daniels the briefcase, says "So Long, Sucker!", and leaves the building, never to be seen on Impact again*.
*In my alternate universe, where I am a Viking.
But here, Matt Morgan signs a match between Christopher Daniels and Senshi for the briefcase, with Elix Skipper as special guest referee. To the break!
When we return, Jeremy Borash interviews Tomko, who announces that he's going to start looking out for himself, instead of worrying about Christian.
Senshi vs. Christopher Daniels (Special Referee Elix Skipper). Former NASCAR driver and TNA house show promoter Hermie Sadler drops by to sit in on commentary. The match gets going, when we cut To The Back to show Samoa Joe, Booker T, Eric Young, Kevin Nash and Kaz all arriving in a limo. I guess Joe and Nash put their differences behind them. For cutting away from the match in the ring, director Keith Mitchell is fired for incompetence*.
*Just kidding. This is TNA. No one ever gets fired for incompetence here.
To The Break! We return to the action in the ring, a clever way to make sure we get to see as little of this match as humanly possible. Daniels uses Skipper as a human shield, then hits the Angel's Wings for the pin. Daniels and Skipper start arguing as we go To The Back!
The Voodoo Kin Mafia starts arguing in front of Matt Morgan and tease that they're breaking up. Roxxi tells B.G. that the briefcase is cursed. No one cares. To The Break!
We cut to a soundstage, where, earlier today, Mike Tenay interviewed James Mitchell for about ninety seconds. He's obsessed with Chris (Abyss) and has done extensive research on Chris's background. To The (Live) Back! Crystal interviews Petey Williams, who is now an amateur bodybuilder. Petey is sure his briefcase contains the title shot against Kurt Angle. To The Break!
We return for the Angle Alliance/Christian Coalition summit. Robert Roode leads Christian out and proposes that everybody work together. Roode shakes everyone's hands and joins the Alliance. Christian goes off on a fine tirade, chastising everyone else: Roode for being a follower, Styles and Tomko for being disloyal, and Angle for being manipulative. Christian closes out by saying the only way he'll join the Angle Alliance is if Christian gets to be the boss. Angle…shakes Christian's hand. Tenay and West, after stepping all over this segment on commentary, stomp it into the ground at this point.
Samoa Joe's music hits. Joe and his posse of Kevin Nash, Eric Young, Kaz and Booker T come to the ring, where Joe challenges the new Alliance to a ten-man tag at Final Resolution. Karen Angle(!) takes the mic and demands the match take place tonight. Then Karen and Sharmell start referencing the last Booker vs. Angle storyline from Smackdown, the one with the racial and sexual overtures. Karen and Sharmell want to start a catfight, but the two teams of male wrestlers who hate each other persuade them to calm down. To The Back!
Backstage, Crystal interviews Team 3-D and their tag team partner, Zartan of the Dreadnoks. Brother Ray cuts a great obnoxious heel promo, saying that he and Devon take whatever they want. He closes out by kissing Crystal. To The Break!
When we return, Scott Steiner is taking the final briefcase back from Matt Morgan, letting Crystal know that he's planning to win the title from Angle and lead TNA to record television ratings and box office figures. Steiner leaves. Crystal points out to Morgan that he was supposed to guard the briefcases, and he's done a lousy job. Morgan disagrees, saying that the owners of the briefcases will protect them best. Let's leave this debate for the philosophers, because it's wrestling time.
Jay Lethal & MotorCity Machine Guns vs. Team 3-D & Johnny Devine (Ladder Match). The good guys hit the ring early, like they actually hated the heels and were trying to get the belt back. You have to like that. After a few minutes of action, we go To The Break!
We return. There's some more decent action, starting with Brother Ray suplexing Lethal off the ladder. Lethal fights back in the course of a few minutes and grabs the belt, but Devon distracts the referee, allowing Brother Ray to pop Lethal with a kendo stick and throw the belt to Devine. Since we've already had the heels steal the belt, why does it matter whether the referee sees them cheat? Oh, ice cream headache.
To the tape! Mike Tenay spends another ninety seconds with James Mitchell, who challenges Abyss to reveal his (other) secret to the world next week on Impact. To the break!
When we return, Matt Morgan is explaining to Jim Cornette that he let the wrestlers keep their own briefcases. Cornette calls him an idiot and explains that the wrestlers could open the briefcases on their own. Um, shouldn't we have worried about that BEFORE tonight? You do realize that they arrived with the briefcases, right? We start the heel ring intros before we go to the break.
Samoa Joe, Kevin Nash, Kaz, Booker T & Eric Young vs. Christian Cage, Kurt Angle, Tomko, AJ Styles & Robert Roode. Why, no, I don't feel silly for ordering Sunday's pay-per-view, thanks for asking. Thinks break down early. Young dives outside onto the heels. Kaz dives outside onto the heels. Kevin Nash doesn't, and I respect his choice. To the break!
We come back with Mike Tenay promising that the contents of the briefcases will be revealed next week. Meanwhile, this is turning into a hell of a match. Eric Young plays Ricky Morton for a while, then tags in Joe. We have more wild brawling, culminating in Nash having Roode pinned before Christian pulls the ref out of the ring. Christian goes to hit Nash with a chair, but Eric Young kicks him into Roode, allowing Nash to get the power bomb and the pin.
After the match, Christian and Roode argue in the ring. Angle tries to step in, but Christian backs him off. Angle thinks about it before getting his title belt and blindsiding Christian. The show ends with Angle and Roode picking apart Christian, Styles trying to save Cage, and Tomko leaving without taking sides.
***
My rating? 4.5 out of a possible 10. The top two matches and the Kim-Kong pullapart were really good. Everything else felt too rushed, again. It's as though TNA is afraid to put on an actual wrestling match, because fans might switch over to watch Kevin Thorn on ECW or something. At least the bits with Angle and Christian at odds made sense in the end. Thumbs in the middle, leaning down.
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