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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive Survivor Series projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event. Projections are not predictions, because this columnist is neither a McMahon nor a Gewirtz. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive the Dundee "Fantastics" towel collection. Created and beautifully designed for today's fashion trends. Dundee blends beauty and excitement to enance the décor of the bathroom. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.

It is time to start thinking about WrestleMania 24. The trick here is to see what matches WWE wants to have at the Citrus Bowl on March 30th, and then work our way backwards. Due to time constraints, we'll make this a snappy preview.

Montel V. Porter vs. Rey Mysterio (United States Title): Mysterio's struggle for respectability continues as he takes on the surprisingly entertaining Porter in what could be the sleeper match of this whole shebang. Projection? Matt Hardy limps out to ringside and serves as the distraction for Rey to score the victory with the West Coast Pop. There's a new United States champion, and we can get back to the Matt Hardy-MVP feud next month.

Beth Phoenix vs. Mickie James (Woman's Title): Come on. Can't we liven this show up a bit? Make this an impromptu Hell in a Cell match or something? Oh, okay. Projection? Mickie does the Long Kiss Goodnight, but Beth kicks out, wipes her mouth off and finishes Darling Mickie with the Michinoku Driver. The Glamazon continues on her road to WrestleMania.

Dave Finlay vs. Great Khali: You'd think we'd gotten as much milage as we could off the whole Hornswoggle vs. Khali feud. Guess not. Projection? Finlay puts up a tough fight, but Khali fells the Irishman with a tree slam. Hornswoggle comes out after the match and distracts Khali and Singjh long enough for Finlay to grab his shillelagh and give us a feel good moment.

Shawn Michaels vs. Ken Kennedy: Oh, come on. Projection? Michaels with the superkick in about twelve minutes.

C.M. Punk & Kane vs. Big Daddy V & Mark Henry (w/ Matt Striker):Seriously, what did C.M. Punk do to deserve this? Or, more accurately, what did we do to deserve this? Projection? Punk hits the Go To Sleep on Mark Henry, with a large assist from Kane, and Punk can move on to face other ECW challenges. Kane is stuck wrestling Big Daddy V throughout eternity.

Jeff Hardy vs. Triple H (#1 Contender Match): Here we have two top level Raw babyfaces. One is getting hot at exactly the right time. The other has been a major player for years. Who's going to end up in the main event of WrestleMania? Because that person won't be winning here. Projection? Jeff Hardy scores the win after interference from Umaga and Carlito. Gee, I wonder who could have talked them into getting involved?

Dave Batista vs. The Undertaker vs. Edge (Smackdown Heavyweight Title – Triple Threat Match): Vickie Guerrero and Edge inadvertently protected Batista's title reign last month. It won't happen this month. Projection? Edge pins Batista with his feet on the ropes to regain the Smackdown title. There's money in the babyfaces chasing Edge. There's nothing left to be gained from Batista vs. Undertaker.

Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho (WWE Heavyweight Title): Chris Jericho's slender metrosexual look may be healthier for him in the long term, but it hasn't caught fire with the fans on Raw. That's okay, because Jericho's got a nice-sized downside guarantee. Projection? Assuming that Randy's not about to be suspended or fired for antics outside the ring, the money is in the top heel holding the title. Orton wins with the RKO.

Aftermath: We go to the Royal Rumble, where we get Randy Orton defending against Jeff Hardy, C.M. Punk defending the ECW belt against Shelton Benjamin, and Edge facing the wrath of The Undertaker.

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Pat McNeill of Fairfax, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He's enjoying the resurgence of his Washington Capitals hockey team. His longer "McNeill Factor" columns appear in the Torch Newsletter. Pat McNeill’s first book, "The Tables All Were Broken", is still available from many fine booksellers.

Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

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