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This week, a script for the January 3rd episode of TNA Impact was circulating online. Amazingly, TNA contacted the various sites hosting copies of the script to ask them to cease and desist. All things considered, it was probably a bad idea to admit the script was theirs. And now, on with the holiday show.

Here's the Christmas video package. Mr. Announcer assures us that in TNA, Christmas is just another excuse for more gimmick matches.

Eric Young is throwing a TNA Christmas Party, and awaiting the arrival of Santa Claus. His family is here, including Bushwhacker Luke as Uncle Leo. I'm not kidding, either. After the intro, Tenay and West run down the lineup. We have an eight-man Christmas Chaos cage match and a Loser Wears A Reindeer Suit Ladder Match between Kaz and A.J. Styles. Tenay and West run through more gimmick matches than I have time to type right now.

Matt Morgan (filling in for the vacationing Jim Cornette) is in the ring. The cage is down and tricked out with Christmas lights. We're opening with the cage match.

Scott Steiner, Booker T & LAX (w/ Sharmell) vs. Bobby Roode, James Storm & Rock 'n Rave Infection (w/ Jackie & Christy & Ms. Brooks) - "Christmas Chaos Steel Cage Match". The mysterious blonde woman is in the stands. The announcers don't know if Jackie is sober, or if the Mystery Latino is here this evening to attack Christy Hemme. Booker gets to come out last while we get a recap of Roode threatening Sharmell last week. Steiner starts against Roode. Tenay announces that Kurt Angle will defend the TNA title against Christian Cage at Final Resolution. Given how many matches Christian has lost consecutively, that makes perfect sense. Hernandez and Rave go next. Rave gets crackerjacked headfirst into the cage. It's Homicide's turn. Roode and Homicide botch a spot. To the break!

We're back with more Christmas Chaos. Stay tuned for the Hannukah Havoc and Kwanzaa Krunch matches, still to come. Booker hits the spinebuster on Rave and three guys make the save. Mystery Latino Chick chases Christy to the back and Booker pins Rave with the Bookend. To the back!

Back at Eric Young's party, Velvet and Angelina have arrived and promise to bring holiday cheer. Did I mention that Eric is dressed like an elf? ODB shows up, and she's dressed like an elf too. She finds the bar. Awesome Kong arrives next. She's not dressed as an elf. Eric Young puts her in charge of showing Santa where the restrooms are.

We return to the ring, where Team 3-D comes to the ring in Santa Claus outfits. Johnny Devine is dressed like an elf. Brother Ray wishes everyone a merry Christmas. He wants to apologize to Jay Lethal and the Motorcity Machine Guns. And here comes the midgets dressed as Jay, Alex and Chris. Brother Ray puts Mini-Sabin on his lap and starts reenacting "A Christmas Story" with the midgets. You can see the crowd getting restless. Mini-Lethal wants So Cal Val for Christmas, so Brother Ray gives his five bucks. The short jokes continue until the midgets get upset and attack Brother Ray. The real Gunns and Lethal hit the ring to save the midgets, and the heels take a powder. Sabin challenges Team 3-D to have their match now. To the break!

Jay Lethal & Motorcity Machine Guns vs. Team 3-D & Johnny Devine – "Double North Pole Match". The match is starting, so announcers Mike Tenay and Don West decide it's a good time to explain the rules. There are two poles, each one shaped like a candy cane. Each pole has a card with a match stipulation for Final Resolution. The fan favorites are trying to grab the card for an Ultimate X match. The rulebreakers are trying to grab the card for the "Plate-Glass Tables Match". Tenay and West explain that this special match can't be won by pinfall or submission, which explains why all six men are wrestling like it's a regular match. To the break!

The match is still happening when we return. It looks like Team 3-D is going to have the advantage, but then the midgets interfere. Mini-Sabin hits Devon with a low blow, Mini-Lethal drops the big flying elbow, and Regular Sized Alex Shelley grabs the "Ultimate X" card. These two teams meet again at Final Resolution. Can't wait to order the pay-per-view and see the Guns and Jay Lethal get revenge on the team THEY JUST BEAT ON FREE TV! They do not show Abyss backstage buying up the leftover "plate-glass" tables from Matt Morgan. To the back!

At the Eric Young Christmas party, two of the make guests are trying to get past Awesome Kong to reach the restrooms, but she lays them out. Kevin Nash arrives. Velvet and Angelina offer to service Nash. Eric Young runs up to Nash and tell him that Santa's coming. Nash issues the response you'd expect. ODB breaks up this tableau by dumping the ice bucket on Angelina's chest. The other lady wrestlers join in for a big catfight. To the break!

When we return, Kurt Angle (in his suit) and Karen Angle (with her extra-cleavage dress) arrive at the party. Young starts babbling to Kurt about Santa Claus. Kurt takes Eric aside and tries to tell him that Santa Claus isn't real. Now there's a heel, kids. Eric's not buying. Kurt decides he needs a drink.

Gail Kim vs. Angelina Love vs. Awesome Kong vs. Christy Hemme vs. Velvet Sky vs. Our Ms. Brooks vs. Jacqueline Moore vs. ODB vs. Roxxi Leveaux – "Santa's Workshop Match". We get nine different ring entrances. After the sex worker team of Love and Sky do their gratuitous ring entrance, we go To The Break.

When we come back, Gail Kim makes her big entrance and the match starts. There is a box in the middle of the ring. Gail and Kong brawl to the outside and up the ramp. ODB throws Angelina into the toy box, but Velvet makes the save. Kong comes back without Gail, clears the ring and powerbombs Christy Hemme for the win. Rough night for Christy. After the match, Gail Kim runs out with a chair. Gail hits three chairshot, including an unprotected one to the head. Security runs in to break it up. To The Back!

Chris Harris arrives at the party and wants to know where the women were. Well, there's another TNA wrestler who doesn't watch this show. Harris says it's his birthday, and wants to know where his presents. Young does his best Mike Huckabee and explains that they're celebrating someone else's birthday this week. Harris doesn't get it. The Machine Guns, Jay Lethal and the midgets arrive. So Cal Val is standing under the mistletoe waiting for Jay Lethal to kiss her, but Sonjay Dutt runs in and steals the kiss. To the break!

Backstage, Crystal Louthan askes Samoa Joe if he's going to the Christmas party. Joe tells her to screw off, and that he's sick of TNA doing stupid things like Christmas parties instead of paying Samoa Joe to open up a can of whoop-ass or something. Crystal tells Joe that Matt Morgan is at the party, and Joe reverses field and heads to the party.

We get a video package recapping recent developments in the James Mitchell vs. Abyss storyline.

Abyss vs. Black Reign vs. Rellik vs. Shark Boy – "Silent Night, Bloody Night" Hardcore Match. You're probably not going to believe this one unless you watch the replay Saturday night. There's a Christmas tree wrapped in barbed wire hanging above the ring, and there are wrapped presents around the tree. Tenay explains that each present contains a weapon. The match started with Rellik and Shark Boy unwrapping presents. Shark Boy opens his first, which turns out to be a golf club. Rellik and Reign start double teaming Abyss. To The Break!

We return, and Shark Boy has cleaned house with his kendo stick. Abyss starts unwrapping his presents, and we have a few minutes of what might be the worst hardcore match since the first "WCW Uncensored" pay-per-view back in 1995. Abyss gets a barbed wire bat, some thumbtacks and broken glass. Well, that was his entire Christmas list. Abyss also gets to swing the barbed wire tree like a pendulum into Black Reign. James Mitchell runs in to distract the official. The lights go out. When they come back on, Judas Mesias is in the ring. Double Arm DDT on the thumbtacks. Of course, that's not the finish. The finish is Rellik hitting the Jackhammer on Shark Boy. Rellik is your Renniw! To The Back!

Back at Eric Young's Christmas party. Samoa Joe has arrived. He yells at Matt Morgan for wasting time and money on a Christmas party, trashes the set and announces he's going home. Matt Morgan doesn't sell this in the slightest. To The Break!

When we return to the Christmas party, Jeremy Borash is trying to console Eric Young. Eric knows the Christmas party is ruined, but thinks Santa's arrival will save the day. Borash tries to tell Eric Young that Santa's not real. Of course, that's when someone in a Santa suit walks in. Which is the perfect time to head back to ringside.

Kaz vs. A.J. Styles – Reindeer Ladder Match. We get the ring entrances for both men. The reindeer suit is hanging high above the ring, and the loser of the match must wear the reindeer suit. The Reindeer Ladder Match has a great history dating back to the Gene Kiniski-Dory Funk Jr. feud in 1968. Okay, not really. To the break!

When we return, Styles pokes Kaz in the eyes and runs outside the ring for the ladder. Kaz throws Styles over the barricade and Styles rallies with a springboard punch. Tenay talks up the Cage vs. Angle match at Final Resolution. Kaz suplexes Styles over the apron onto the ladder. A.J. recovers and they brawl in the ring. Styles hits the moonsault off the ladder into a DDT. Kaz recovers eight seconds later, as a tribute to Glen Gilberti. The two men try to whip each other into the ladder. Kaz wins. Styles recovers eight seconds later with the Pele kick. To The Break!

When we return, Styles and Kaz are still trying to whip each other into the ladder. Styles wins and sets up the ladder. Kaz definitely took more than eight seconds that time. Kaz tips over the ladder. Styles tries to crotch himself on the top rope and misses. The ladder's still leaning against the top rope, so Kaz backdrops Styles from the top turnbuckle onto the ladder. Kaz goes up, but so does Styles. They're fighting atop the ladder. Styles hiptosses Kaz off the ladder. Kurt Angle comes to ringside with the belt to advise Styles. Angle's advice is to climb the ladder. Kaz uses the distraction to tip over the ladder, then climbs it himself and grabs the costume. Kaz wins. Angle yells at Styles as the Phenomenal One puts on the costume. Styles balks at wearing the costume and makes a break for it, but five refs pull him back into the ring.

Finally, Kurt Angle comes into the ring and orders Styles to put on the costume. A.J. makes the boo-boo face, but puts it on. Tenay describes this as the ultimate in humiliation. Styles throws another tantrum and Angle finally put the reindeer head on Styles himself. The champ takes the mic and calls Styles a disgrace. He tells Styles to go back to the hotel in his reindeer suit. Styles leaves as Eric Young and Santa Claus make their entrances. You know it's the real Santa because his red suit has a monogrammed "S.C." on it. Claus and Young throw TNA merchandise into the crowd. Finally, Santa enters the ring and gives Angle a TNA DVD.

Angle asks the crowd if Santa is real. Don West informs everyone that Santa is real. He's damn real. He's not the best color man in the business for nothing. Angle complains about not getting gifts from Santa as a child, then asks Santa to bring him Christian Cage for Christmas. Santa demurs, so Angle attacks Santa and Eric Young. Angle puts Santa in the Anklelock. Christian Cage emerges from a giant gift box at ringside to make the save. Christian gets Angle in an Anklelock, but the champ makes his escape. Tenay wishes us a merry Christmas as we go to the closing video package.

***

My rating? 4.0 out of a possible 10. On the bright side, we did get Bushwhacker Luke, and Brother Ray's evil Santa bit was pretty funny. The silly, goofy bad stuff outweighed the good stuff this week. The closest thing to a good match was the main event, and that was chopped up. There's too much yelling and hollering, no context and no opportunity for the fans to let anything sink in after it happens. There's a reason why Awesome Kong is the hottest rating draw on this program. Thumbs down.


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