Email This Article - Contact Us - VIP Sign-Up - Back to Home Page

|

After putting together a fake TNA Impact script for this week's TORCH Newsletter, I can report with some confidence that it is much easier to write these shows than it is to recap these shows.

Your weekly video package shows us that TNA Tag Team Champions A.J. Styles & Tomko are torn between two stables.

And off we go! Crystal Louthan is standing by with your tag team champions. Styles still wants to bring Angle and Christian together into one big happy family. Yeah, that ain't happening. Tomko tells A.J. it's time to choose sides, and that he's already chosen his. I wonder why these two haven't talked it out in the seven days since our last episode.

There's the intro and the pyro. Tenay and West provide the ballyhoo by announcing Styles & Tomko in a non-title match against the Motor City Machine Guns, and Booker T against Bobby Roode. What, no stipulations?

Senshi vs. Judas Mesias (w/ James Mitchell). Judas Mesias is wearing a purple hockey mask to match Mitchell's purple suit. What are they, L.A. Kings fans? Mesias, the least scary monster in professional wrestling history, will meet Abyss at Final Resolution. Senshi gets some offense in, but he misses the double stomp off the top rope, and Mesias hits a running clothesline and the Straight to Hell for the pinfall. Big win for Purple Puss. To the back!

Backstage, Karen Angle walks into the dressing room to find out that Jeremy Borash is Kurt Angle's new valet. Literally. Sure, the camera angle makes it look like J.B. is servicing the champ, but he's actually using a lint roller and helping Kurt pick out his suit for the evening. Karen is more concerned about the prospect of Sharmell stealing all of her attention. Yes, Sharmell's really eating into Karen's camera time. Karen's so upset that Borash has to help Angle select the rest of his wardrobe. Cut to where Christian Cage is lurching around backstage. To the break!

Christian Cage enters the ring for a promo. His campaign for Worst Babyface of 2007 continues as he squelches any positive crowd reaction he gets and talks about how great he is. He hates indecision and wants a decision from Styles & Tomko. Tomko doesn't come out, but A.J. does. Styles doesn't get a word in edgewise as Christian reminds him he owes Christian everything, including his three NWA title reigns while Christian was still in WWE. Christian says that Angle is using Styles. Angle charges in to rebut. Kurt tells A.J. that he's so talented he doesn't need to use A.J. Cage and Angle come to blows and Christian waffles A.J. with the title belt. Tomko runs in to break it up. Cage wants an answer from the tag champs by the end of the show. Mike Tenay provides Instant Replay For People Who Are Hard Of Hearing And Have Very Short Memories during this entire segment. To the break!

Hey, remember when Impact launched on Spike TV and TNA promised that the show would be built around A.J. Styles? Well, it's finally happened.

We return to find Crystal interviewing Robert Roode about his upcoming match with Booker. Roode calls Booker a has-been and Sharmell a beast. Ms. Brooks pops in and is offended at what Roode said. Roode tells her to shut her pie hole. Wrestling time.

Booker T. vs. Robert Roode. This match…never happens, because Kurt and Karen Angle come out and attack Booker T and Sharmell. The Book chases off the heels with a chair, then challenges Angle and Roode to a tag match later tonight. Unlike some people, Booker will have no trouble finding a partner. To the back!

Backstage, A.J. Styles has an ice pack on his face. A.J. asks Jeremy Borash for advice. Borash thinks A.J. should go with the Angles. Gene Okerlund never would have sold out the babyfaces like that, J.B. Styles ignores the advice he just asked for. He still wants to get Angle and Cage together. Awww. To the break!

They're actually running commercials for Final Resolution hyping the Gail Kim vs. Awesome Kong match. I like this development a whole lot.

We return with a video package of Team 3-D terrorizing the X Division.

A.J. Styles & Tomko vs. Motorcity Machine Guns – Non-Title Match . Styles drops by the announce table and asks Tenay and West for their advice. Tenay does not tell Styles to go back to school and get his GED. We get a couple minutes of decent action before someone in the truck remembers that wrestling doesn't bring ratings. To the break!

The match is still happening when we return. Eric Young comes out to ringside and starts talking with Styles. Oh, boy. Tenay reports that there's an argument going on in Jim Cornette's office. Before we have time to go to the back, Young distracts Styles and the Guns double team him for the pin. I mean, they literally both pin him at once. Rules? What rules? Tomko and A.J. bicker after the match instead of beating the piss out of the referee. To the back!

In Jim Cornette's office, Team 3-D and Johnny Devine are refusing to wrestle the Ultimate X match at Final Resolution. Cornette doesn't want to hear it, and says the match is on. Brother Ray tries to grab Cornette, but Matt Morgan jumps in. Ray says that they have more important things to worry about, like All You Can Eat Crab Leg night at the Sizzler. Boy, nobody in this company actually wants to watch Impact, do they? Cornette's delivery of the "Enjoy your crabs!" line redeems this segment. To the break!

Here's a video package of Awesome Kong taking chairshots to the head. Maybe her hair protected her.

Gail Kim, Angelina Love & Velvet Sky vs. ODB, Jackie Moore & Roxxi Laveaux. O.D.B. is still on the heel side, and the fans are still chanting for her. A nice little match. By the way, you know how you can tell you're watching TNA? If this were a WWE show, the stripper girls would be feuding with each other. Angelina takes the heat. Gail finally gets in and pins Roxxi with the Kryptonite Crunch. To the back!

Backstage, Jim Cornette bitches at Matt Morgan for the awful show he booked last week, until he sees the bonus check that TNA management sent him as thanks for last week's show. That's right. The ratings went DOWN last week, so Dixie Carter sent Cornette a bonus. I knew this whole promotion was some rich dude's tax writeoff.

Yes, Vince Russo really thought last week's Christmas show was going to pop a rating, and wrote that segment so he could gloat about it. No, he never learns.

Samoa Joe barges into Cornette's office. He's pissed at management and refusing to wrestle tonight. Cornette gives him a choice. Wrestle or be fired. Joe's going to think about it.

When we return, Mike Tenay is conducting a sitdown interview with Chris "Abyss" Parks. Abyss won't talk about the secret, and says that the secret dies with him. That is, unless Abyss dies before James Mitchell, seeing as it's pretty obvious Mitchell knows the secret too.

Back at ringside, Don West is intrigued by this storyline. Well, that makes one of us.

Samoa Joe vs. Elix Skipper. Joe shows up in street clothes, beats the piss out of Skipper, refuses to pin Primetime, beats the piss out of Skipper some more, and shoves referee Glamour Boy Shane when he tries to stop Joe. Skipper wins by disqualification.

Joe takes the microphone and demands a new contract and a World Title shot. And, that's all Joe can get out before his microphone gets cut off. Hey, at least this storyline is easy to follow. To the back!

Backstage, Jeremy Borash is standing by as Eric Young advises A.J. Styles. In a nice touch, James Storm is passed out on the couch while this is going on. Young tells Styles he's great at making decisions, like what to eat for breakfast, which ice cream flavor to select, and which wireless plan to choose. Styles gets bored and leaves. Good move. To the break!

We return, and Crystal is standing by with Scott Steiner and Petey Williams. Steiner is upset with Petey, and wants his World Title shot back. Petey says he has the most muscles in TNA, with the possible exception of Awesome Kong. He promises that he will win the World Title, and then walks off. Steiner tells Crystal he'll get the title shot back. Eh.

Dustin Rhodes comes to the ring for a promo. He wants to know why Kaz attacked him last week. Mike Tenay explains that Black Reign is one of Dustin's split personalities and Dustin supposedly has no idea what he does when he's in the Black Reign costume. Of course, this means that Dustin Rhodes doesn't watch TNA Impact either. That's probably a good idea for anyone with a mental illness. Kaz comes out and explains that Dustin put a rat on his face. Dustin thinks Kaz is referring to a "ring rat", or female wrestling groupie. Ho, ho, ho. Kaz screams at Dustin and Dustin slaps Kaz in the face. And we have a brawl. Kaz and Dustin brawl into the stands. Dustin makes his escape, but Kaz dives over the railing of the bleachers onto Dustin. Nice spot. To the back!

Jeremy Borash is standing by with A.J. Styles, who wants advice from Kevin Nash. Nash talks about his times in WCW and tells Styles to pick the side that's less likely to screw him over. From the look on A.J.'s face, that advice isn't particularly helpful. To the break!

We return and it's time for a short recap video covering the "best" of 2007. Pacman Jones, Road Warrior Animal and Eric Young buying condoms are included in this video package. Back to ringside, where we get ring introductions for the main event. Who's Booker's mystery partner? Let's go To The Break!

We return and Booker introduces a man who hates Kurt Angle as much as he does. It's Christian Cage! Hey, remember two weeks ago when Booker said he'd never team with Cage?

Booker T & Christian Cage vs. Kurt Angle & Robert Roode. Angle and Roode get the heat on Christian for the opening minutes. A.J. Styles makes his way to ringside. It must be time for a commercial break!

We're back from the break. Booker gets the hot tag. Angle and Christian square off. Styles has a panic attack and takes off up the ramp again. This greatly upsets Mike Tenay and Don West. Booker hits Roode with the axe kick and Christian pins Roode with the Unprettier. Well, that settles it. Roode's a main eventer.

After the match, Christian takes the mic and demands that Styles and Tomko show themselves and give us a decision. Angle grabs the microphone away from Christian, and he also wants Styles to show up. A.J. is out without Tomko. Angle and Christian start berating Styles. Styles can't make up his mind, and we're out of time! There's your cliffhanger.

***

My rating? 5.0 out of a possible 10. Nothing really happened on this show, except for my brain cells dying.



Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

For more BREAKING NEWS on WWE, TNA!
VISIT OUR AFFILIATE - PROWRESTLING.NET

For UFC & MMA NEWS & BLOGS:
VISIT OUR SISTER SITE - MMATORCH.COM

Upgrade to PWTORCH VIP: DETAILS & SIGN-UP INFO

(c) 1999-2009 TDH Communications Inc. - All rights reserved.