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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive No Way Out projections!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event. Projections are not predictions, especially when there are crazy, paranoid McMahons involved. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Noodle-Roni. With four delicious flavors, Noodle-Roni offers something for everyone. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.
This year's No Way Out from Vegas is something I like to call "Little WrestleMania". You see, for many people in our reading audience, the question of whether John Cena can regain the WWE title from Randy Orton is more interesting than whatever WWE can do at WrestleMania. And the action in the Raw elimination chamber match may trump the annual Money In The Bank Ladder match. And, more importantly, No Way Out will be cheaper than ordering WrestleMania.
On the Pre-Show: Enjoy some video packages, and the last few minutes of the excellent Jeff Hardy vs. Shawn Michaels match from Monday's episode of Raw.
We may end up with a seventh match on this show. I would go with John Morrison & The Miz successfully defending the Smackdown tag team titles against Tommy Dreamer & Colin Delaney. Your mileage may vary.
Ric Flair vs. Ken Kennedy (Flair's Career On The Line): Many wrestling fans are outraged, OUTRAGED that Ric Flair's potential retirement match is the least prominent on Sunday's card. What do you think is going to happen at WrestleMania? Does anyone really expect Flair's WrestleMania match to be pushed away of the two title matches, or Money In The Bank? Projection? Kennedy dominates. Flair wins by rolling up the overconfident Mr. K with a handful of tights.
Chavo Guerrero vs. C.M. Punk (ECW Heavyweight Title): Dear WWE. Please end this feud. Signed, Everyone. Projection? It is too soon for another title change, since we just had one. Plus, ECW television will work better if the good guys are chasing the heel Chavo and his heel friends. It's time for a non-finish. Chavo grabs a chair, the two wrestlers fight over it, and we end in a double disqualification.
Dave Batista vs. Fit Finlay vs. The Undertaker vs. Big Daddy V vs. Great Khali vs. MVP (Elimination Chamber Match): I realize that certain people would like to maintain the illusion of Smackdown being at the same level as Raw, but that just isn't so. If you don't believe me, look at the talent roster on the side compared with the participants in the following match. Projection? Batista and Great Khali start the match. Batista finishes off the big lug and eliminates him just in time for MVP to be released. Porter works the leg of Batista. Finlay comes in fourth. MVP eventually eliminates Finlay with the Playmaker and a hook of the tights. Undertaker comes in and brawls with Batista for a bit. Big Daddy V is last. Undertaker chokes out Big Daddy V. Batista hits the Batista Bomb and eliminates MVP. Undertaker finally scores a pin on an exhausted Big Dave with a chokeslam.
Jeff Hardy vs. Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho vs. JBL vs. Umaga (Yet Another Elimination Chamber Match): It wouldn't be my first choice, but WWE needs a way to get to their WrestleMania main event. Projection? Shawn Michaels eliminates Umaga. Chris Jericho eliminates Shawn Michaels. JBL eliminates Chris Jericho. Jeff Hardy eliminates JBL. Triple H turns heel, somehow sneaks a sledgehammer in, and eliminates Jeff Hardy to win the match.
Edge vs. Rey Mysterio (Smackdown World Heavyweight Title): The big question is whether Mysterio is going to wrestle at all. If he can't go, expect Kane to fill in for Rey and do the job. Projection? Mysterio dominates early, but can't overcome the distractions of Ryder and Hawkins. Edge and his Rated-R Army dismantle Rey after the match to explain why the big little man is getting his time off.
Randy Orton vs. John Cena (WWE Heavyweight Title): The only good news from Cena's return is that he will get his (storyline) revenge on Randy Orton. It will be curious to see if The Ex-Champ has a longer match in him. My guess is he does. Plus, WWE will use every Patterson-era trick in the book to stretch out the match if Cena can't go. Projection? A long match with numerous near falls, twists and turns, ending with Cena scoring the pin with an F-U to regain the title. Triple H arrives after the finish to pedigree the new champ.
Aftermath: We head to WrestleMania for Cena vs. Hunter, Undertaker vs. Edge and Michaels vs. Flair. There will be some other matches too.
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Pat McNeill of Fairfax, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He can't believe Sayid is going to turn heel on "Lost". His longer "McNeill Factor" columns appear in the Torch Newsletter. Pat McNeill’s first book, “The Tables All Were Broken”, is available from many fine booksellers.
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