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Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column.

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Vince %$@&*!ing Russo. Projections are not predictions. Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he had to book his way out of this event. No TNA bookers have been harmed (yet) in the writing of this column. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Lee Press-On Nails. Closed captioning for this column is provided by America Online. And if your bid comes within $100 of the actual retail price of your showcase, you win both showcases. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.

Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action, except for the part where I replace Vince Russo with legendary "Married With Children" writer Michael G. Moye. (Hey, if we're going to build the whole show around Kurt and Karen Angle's marriage, why settle for anything less than the finest material?)

All jokes aside, this week's episode of Impact was pretty good. Granted, I only watched the last half hour live, and that featured the big Angle vs. Christian cage match. Plus, anyone with on demand cable can watch TNA's free preview, which includes last year's big Elevation X match. Sure, I can see TNA turning in a good show at Destination X, but I can't imagine them doing a decent buyrate, based on the buildup. On with the projections!

Motor City Machineguns vs. Rock 'n Rave Infection vs. Latin American Xchange: It would be one thing if they were any chances of the winners getting a tag team title shot at Lockdown. Whoever wins here will get sacrificed to Styles and Tomko in five minutes on Impact. So why not choose the team with the least upside? Projection? Rave pins Homicide in the middle of a crazy melee at the Guitar Heroes earn their number one contendership.

Kaz Kazarian & Eric Young vs. Black Reign & Rellik: Who's surprised by how quickly Kazarian and Young were moved back to the second match from their upper card statsu at athe end of 2007? I mean, except for everyone who actually follows TNA? Projection? Eric Young eventaully succumbs to his fear, and Rellik's surprising winning streak continues, as does this feud.

Curry Man & Shark Boy vs. Team 3-D (Fish Market Street Fight): This pay-per-view is taking place from Norfolk, Virginia. For those of you not familiar with Norfolk, fish markets aren't exactly what Norfolk is known for. However, I'm willing to cut TNA some slack here, since I doubt the military would sign on for a "Naval Base Street Fight". (Although I would like to see TNA's ring crew try to design a nuclear submarine set.) Projection? Brother Ray pins Shark Boy and 3-D gets a little of its heat back with a hardcore stipulation match victory.

Booker T w/ Traci Brooks vs. Robert Roode w/ Peyton Banks (Strap Match): If you had told me four months ago that Booker T would have worked three pay-per-views for TNA without scoring a pinfall…well, it would be par for the course for TNA booking. Projection? Roode gets some strapation in. Sharmell makes a surprise return to ringside, distracting Roode so that The Book can win with the ax kick.

Awesome Kong vs. ODB vs. Gail Kim (TNA Women's Title): The hook for this match has been that babyface challengers ODB and Kim can't get along. Of course, with Raisha Saeed at ringside, this is basically a tag match. Projection? Kong drops ODB with the implant buster for the pinfall..

Jay Lethal vs. Petey Williams (TNA X Division Title): Yes, Petey finally gets to cash in his briefcase from the "Feast of Fired" match, which may have taken place during the Clinton Administration. About time. Projection? Rocka Khan is at ringside for Petey, and Lethal has to worry about protecting his beloved So Cal Val from the massive female bodybuilder. Still, it's Machismo pulling out the win with the Lethal Combination.

Rhino vs. James Storm (Elevation X Scaffold Match): There is no bigger proponent of James Storm's workrate than this columnist, but asking the Tennessee Cowboy to top A.J. Styles' performance in last year's scaffold match may be too much to ask. Projection? There's a sober guy and a drunk guy on top of a scaffold. I'm taking the sober guy. A big win for Rhino. Plus, there's no way Rhino takes this bump. Storm is fearless.

Kurt Angle & A.J. Styles & Travis Tomko vs. Christian Cage & Kevin Nash & Samoa Joe: The babyface will get a man advantage for the first five minutes of the match to make up for having Kevin Nash on their team. Hey, the truth hurts. Projection? There's only one way this should end, and it involves Joe pinning Angle with the muscle buster to set up next month's Joe vs. Angle match in the steel cage.

Aftermath: Next month is Lockdown. TNA should try to move the planned B.G. James vs. Kip James match to one of Mike O'Brien's indy shows in Connecticut. The featured cage bouts should be Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle for the title and Christian Cage, Kevin Nash and Booker T against A.J. Styles, Tomko and Robert Roode in a six-man tag.

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Pat McNeill of Fairfax, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. His Clemson Tigers are going to the big dance. Yes, they are. His feature-length "McNeill Factor" columns appear in the Torch Newsletter.


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