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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WrestleMania projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of the crazy old dude, the big-nosed son-in-law and the pregnant woman. Projections are not predictions, because anything can happen in the WWE. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Turtle Wax Liquid Paste. Turtle Wax Liquid Paste gives you the durability of a paste and the ease of use of a liquid wax. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.

Jokes aside, it's time to talk about Ric Flair. Your twelve year old nephew doesn't care that Ric Flair's retiring, but the people who read this site care. Some of our readers have followed Flair for most of his thirty-five years in this business. You want to know a secret? Flair's last match will be fine. Sure, WWE botched the Flair retirement storyline, so that they couldn't make any serious money off of it. But WWE is bringing in huge amounts of revenue. If the McMahons don't care about making a larger profit, there's no reason we should care on their behalf.

If any wrestler deserves to decide how his retirement match goes down, it's the Nature Boy. If Ric Flair wants to go out by putting over a great wrestler in the center of the room in front of 75,000 fans at an outdoor football stadium on the night after what's sure to be an emotional Hall of Fame ceremony honoring him, who the hell are we to tell him he's wrong? Sure, it would be nice for WWE to have given Flair a real farewell tour, but we've established how low house shows are on the company's priority chain. Slick Ric should go out on a high note, and it isn't going to get much higher for him than it will in the Citrus Bowl.

Before The Show: You know who won't be winning the big 24-man battle royal? Robbie McAllister. But the winner should be a babyface, and the largest babyface in the match is Kane. So, let's let him have it. Projection? Kane eliminates Khali to win the WWE.com freebie match and earn the ECW title shot.

Ashley Massaro & Maria Kanellis vs. Melina Perez & Beth Phoenix (Playboy Lumberjill Match): Snoop Dogg will be guest ring announcer for this match. Earlier this week, WWE 24/7 posted the "John Cena: My Life" documentary where Snoop talked about what a good rapper John Cena is. Here's hoping that doesn't hurt his street cred. Projection? Beth pins Ashley. Santino Marella runs in to stop the nonsense and taking a beating from Snoop and from Jerry Lawler.

Fit Finlay vs. JBL (Belfast Brawl): The good news is, there's been no sign of Vince McMahon in this storyline for the past few weeks. Either Vince is too crazy to be trusted in front of live camera any more, or he's had second thoughts about the ridiculous bastard child storyline and wants out. Projection? JBL wins with brass nucs. Hornswoggle makes his triumphant return from under the ring and kicks Layfield in the nuts. Everyone wins.

Chavo Guerrero vs. Kane (ECW Heavyweight Title): The low point for ECW recently was watching champion Chavo Guerrero get destroyed by The Undertaker on Smackdown. Remember when Big Show was ECW champion and wrestled credible opponents every Tuesday night? The ratings were a little better than they are now. Projection? Kane scores the win with the big chokeslam to capture the ECW Heavyweight Title, and Matt Striker and the large heels start lining up for their ECW title shots.

Batista vs. Umaga (Raw vs. Smackdown): Both men have tumbled down the WWE ladder in the past several months, to the point where this match is on the lower half of the card. The good news is that Big Dave and Tattoo Eddie both need the same thing, a feud with a fresh opponent. Voila! Projection? Umaga beats Batista with the Samoan Spike in a hard-fought match. Vickie Guerrero arranges for Umaga to be traded to Smackdown so this feud can continue.

Carlito C. Cool vs. Chris Jericho vs. C.M. Punk vs. John Morrison vs. Ken Kennedy vs. Montel V. Porter vs. Shelton Benjamin ("Money in the Bank" Ladder Match): With Jeff Hardy on the bench, there are seven men in the match, which means one wrestler will have to be selling at all times. Projection? Carlito and Kennedy brawl off into the crowd or something. Morrison and Shelton and Jericho and Punk do some neat crash and burn spots, and M.V.P. climbs the ladder and claims the prize. Matt Hardy then runs in and lays out Montel with the Twist of Fate. M.V.P. drops the U.S. title to Hardy on Smackdown, then gets sent to Raw in the Umaga deal.

Ric Flair vs. Shawn Michaels (Career Threatening Match): The face-to-face promo on Raw, with Michaels calling Flair "Old Yeller", was one the best rush-job promos to build up a big match in WWE history. Projection? Michaels wins by reversing the figure-four into a small package. Flair takes the microphone and tells the crowd that wrestling is in good hands, because the Heartbreak Kid is the best wrestler of his generation. Michaels tells the crowd that the Nature Boy is the greatest wrestler of all time. They embrace. Grown men cry. Flair walks off into the sunset.

Big Show vs. Floyd Mayweather (Boxer vs. Wrestler Match): Here's what we know. We know that developmental wrestler Matt Sydal has been working with "Pretty Boy" Floyd, that Pat Patterson has probably checked in and laid out some spots for the two men, and that there are rumors of a "big twist" for this unusual match. This is the first outdoor WrestleMania in fifteen years, and that'll probably play into the twist ending. Projection? We're about six minutes into a decent match when former WWE champion Hulk Hogan, strapped for cash and desperate to appear at WrestleMania, parachutes into the ring and is immediately attacked by Big Show and Mayweather's entourage. The match ends in a no contest, but nobody cares. Plus it sets up a potential rematch, or a three-way for Backlash next month.

Edge vs. The Undertaker (Smackdown World Title): Yes, Edge is a great talker, he's younger than Undertaker, and he probably makes a better World Champion. But Edge can win the title back on one of the other 365 days of the year. (It's a leap year.) This is THE STREAK we're talking about. If Undertaker has a heart attack during the ring introductions, he's still going over. Projection? Undertaker fights off the Rated-R Army, and scores his sixteenth WrestleMania victory with a Tombstone, capturing the Big Gold Belt.

Randy Orton vs. John Cena vs. Triple H (WWE Heavyweight Title): The build to this match was okay, but this is a WWE title match at WrestleMania, so it should have been better than okay. As ponderous as Hunter can be behind the mic, he had the right idea when he delivered that promo on how much the title meant to him. Cena's answering promo was good too. We need more of that, and less of stupid bits like the "Triple Threat Takeover". Projection? This year's ridiculous John Cena WrestleMania entrance will be a "Miami Vice" parody with Cena as Sonny Crockett. (Yes, they're in Orlando, but who cares?)

Did John Cena, the biggest star in the business, come back early from his muscle tear so he could lose at WrestleMania? Maybe, but that's not how I'd play it. Out of all the possible permutations going into SummerSlam, which one will draw the most money? My guess is, a babyface Cena against a heel Triple H. Jeff Hardy and Randy Orton are one strike away from being removed from the game board, and thanks to WWE politics, no one will be ready in time.

So, yeah, Cena finally ends up getting the win over Orton in the center of the ring, and we bide our time waiting for Triple H to turn heel.

Aftermath: Backlash mostly features return matches from what we see this weekend. Michaels gets included in the Raw title scene for a fatal four-way match. Undertaker battles Edge in some sort of specialty match, and we get Batista-Umaga II.

***

Pat McNeill of Fairfax, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He recommends William Lashner's "Marked Man" for all of you who enjoy legal thrillers. His longer "McNeill Factor" columns appear in the Torch Newsletter.

Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

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