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MCNEILL'S TAKE
Nothing to Lose: McNEILL previews TNA Lockdown! Apr 13, 2008 - 2:58:00 PM
Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Vince "1.0" Russo. Projections are not predictions. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Tuna Helper. Tuna Helper comes in seven delicious flavors. Furnished by Betty Crocker. Closed captioning for this column is provided by Meineke Mufflers. And if you land on "Bankrupt", you lose your cash but not your merchandise, because once you buy a prize, it's yours to keep. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action, except for the part where I let Jim Cornette book everything and let the current booking crew join the exciting field of restocking RedBox machines.
Sting has returned to TNA Wrestling. You can tell Sting is in town by the fact that, well, nobody cares. Petey Williams is now "Little Petey Pump". The rest of Impact looked like TNA has given up and resigned itself to being "WCW Light" for at least the next several months. Bleah.
Gail Kim & O.D.B. vs. Awesome Kong & Raisha Saeed (Cage Match): For the record, Dave Meltzer is reporting that TNA's Dutch Mantel is especially pleased with the way "Cheerleader" Melissa Anderson has picked up the Arabic accent of the Raisha Saeed. They must not have Arabs in Tennessee. Projection? Gail uses a top rope move to pin Raisha as O.D.B. blocks Kong from making the save.
Motor City MachineGuns vs. Latin American Xchange vs. Poppa Pump & Petey Pump vs. Rock 'n Rave Infection vs. Kaz Kazarian & Eric Young vs. Black Reign & Rellik (Handcuffed Cage Match): Teams of wrestlers handcuffed together always make for a great wrestling match, if you ask me. Projection? Eric Young is not Super Eric isn't this match, so he can't break the handcuffs. Let's see Homicide and Hernandez begin their road back toward tag team gold with a win here.
B.G. James vs. Kip James (Cage Match): Who cares? Projection? Give it to B.G. James, as he's less annoying than Kip.
Booker T. & Sharmell T. vs. Robert Roode & Peyton Banks (Cage Match): Let's see. Booker beat Roode two weeks ago in a violent first blood match on live television so…the feud continues? Am I missing something. Projection? Sharmell pins Peyton and we end this feud. I mean, immediately. Roode is miscast in the millionaire gimmick. Peyton is miscast as the psycho stalker. Both these guys need fresh feuds to sink their teeth into.
Angelina Love vs. Velvet Sky vs. Salinas vs. Rhaka Khan vs. Traci Brooks vs. Christy Hemme vs. Roxxi Leveaux vs. Jacqueline (Queen of the Cage Match): Seriously, what's our best chance for getting a decent match out of this mess? Projection? Leveaux and Rhaka Khan are the first two into the cage. Roxxi scores the pinfall and gets her shot at Kong and the title down the line.
Jay Lethal vs. Curry Man vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Johnny Devine vs. Shark Boy vs. Consequences Creed (TNA X Division Title – Xscape the Cage Match): Yes, Petey finally gets to cash in his briefcase from the "Feast of Fired" match, which may have taken place during the Clinton Administration. About time. Projection? Sonjay Dutt and Black Machismo are the first two out of the cage. Sonjay uses an international object to win the X Division belt as part of his fiendish plan to gain the love of So Cal Val.
Christian Cage, Rhino, Sting, Kevin Nash & Matt Morgan vs. Travis Tomko, A.J. Styles, Team 3-D & James Storm (Lethal Lockdown Match): You've probably noticed that the heels aren't faring too well tonight. Time to change that. Projection? Morgan turns heel and helps Tomko pin Christian. It's not that he'll be great as a heel, but the guy means so little as a face now. It would also set the table for Christian and Rhino to pair up and go after the tag team titles, which wouldn't be a bad idea at all.
Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe (TNA Heavyweight Title – Cage Match): TNA should have pulled the trigger on this a year ago, but better late than never. We've seen Joe vs. Angle before, but now they're in a cage. Projection? Since we're doing a sort of MMA theme already with this match, have Angle submit to the Kokina Clutch, giving Joe the big victory he needs.
Aftermath: Next month is Sacrifice in Orlando with Dutt vs. Lethal, Joe vs. Steiner, Booker vs. Angle and Tomko and Styles defending against Christian Cage and Rhino.
*** Pat McNeill of Fairfax, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001.He's a little distracted right now because his Washington Capitals are in the NHL playoffs. Yes, they are. His feature-length "McNeill Factor" columns appear in the Torch Newsletter.
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