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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for this month's WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from the Incredible Shrinking WWE Creative Team. Projections are not predictions. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Edge Shaving Gel, the six-lubricant defense against razor irritation. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE and had the arduous task of competing with a promotion that has Glenn Gilbertti on its payroll.

The official theme song of this event is "All Summer Long" by Kid Rock, which samples copiously from Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London". The problem with this? It's April. Maybe a song about summer should be used in, I don't know, summer? Also, the Raw ratings are still dipping due to TiVo and the fact that WWE audiences have seen enough of Triple H, Kane and Undertaker on top to last them well into the 31st century.

Word on the street is that WWE wants Mick Foley to be the new color commentator for Smackdown. This would enable Jonathan Coachman to move back to Raw as general manager. And, in a few months, once Vince McMahon has pulled the plug on the Mike Adamle, Coach can take over as the new voice of ECW. In terms of pro wrestling knowledge, Adamle makes Coachman look like Lance Russell.

Also On the Show: Your preshow will feature a few minutes of highlights from the big eight-man tag on Raw. There may be a short skit of William Regal preparing for Monday night's King of the Ring coronation.

Montel V. Porter vs. Matt Hardy (WWE United States Title): This is a tough call. On the one hand, MVP has held the United States title approximately forever since winning it from C**** B***** last year. On the other hand, the only thing that makes the U.S. belt even remotely interesting is that MVP has held it for so long. Projection? Matt Hardy finally, finally, finally gets his hands on the United States Championship which is, shockingly, the biggest singles title he has held to date.

Mickie James, Maria Kanellis, Ashley Massaro, Michelle McCool, Cherry & Kelly Kelly vs. Melina Perez, Beth Phoenix, Victoria, Jillian Hall, Natalia Neidhart & Layla El (Token Diva Match): All the ladies in WWE who can bump without killing themselves (and a few we're not sure about) are part of the same match. Projection? Well, we need the feud for the title to continue, so once the action breaks down into a wild brawl, Beth Phoenix scores the victory by demolishing young Kelly Kelly.

Dave Batista vs. Shawn Michaels (Special Guest Referee Chris Jericho): If you can get past the silly insider posturing over whether Shawn Michaels should have laid down for Ric Flair at WrestleMania, this is actually a heck of a feud, where the two principals didn't touch until the last moment of last night's Smackdown. Projection? There's not really anything in the pipeline for Michaels, Batista or Jericho, so why not drag this feud out a little bit? Batista gets the first victory after a groin kick to the Heartbreak Kid, which goes undetected by referee Jericho.

Kane vs. Chavo Guerrero (w/ Bam Neely) (ECW Heavyweight Title): This match went about ten seconds at WrestleMania due to Chavo having heat with WWE management. Mike Adamle's pay-per-view debut, unfortunately, may not be that short. Projection? Kane beats Chavo clean despite the interference of the new bodyguard.

Big Show vs. Great Big Khali (Loser Returns To India): Paul Wight needs to get his heat back after losing to boxer Floyd Mayweather at WrestleMania. Khali needs time off to rest his injured knees. Projection? Show puts Khali away with the chokeslam after an eight-minute match that tests the limits of announcers Michael Cole and Jonathan Coachman.

The Undertaker vs. Edge (Smackdown World Heavyweight Title): Edge is starting to get his wrestling legs back after his long absence with a fine WrestleMania outing against The Dead Man. Unfortunately, Edge's old spot is gone for the moment. Projection? Pretty much the same quality match we saw at WrestleMania, except this time Ryder's interference baackfires.

Randy Orton vs. John Cena vs. HHH vs. John "Mamajuana" Layfield (WWE Heavyweight Title – Fatal Four Way Match): IT's the same four-way main event we got last year, except JBL and Hunter have been substituted for Michaels and Edge. That's not good. Projection? There's no one else ready to step up, so this feud must continue. Cena hits the F-U on JBL, but Orton once again steals the pin to keep his WWE title for at least one more month.

Aftermath: Judgment Day is only a few weeks away. We'll see Michaels vs. Batista II, Triple H vs. Orton and possibly Undertaker vs. Big Show.

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Pat McNeill of Fairfax, Virginia has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He finished his preview column early so that he could enjoy the 2008 NFL Draft this afternoon and hopefully watch his Washington Redskins add Philip Merling to their roster. His longer, weekly column appears exclusively in the Torch Newsletter.


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