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Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from TNA management. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive an electric Big Ben alarm clock from Westclox. Westclox, the pioneers in quartz movement since 1885. There's a Westclox for everyone. And remember, four whammies brings tears to your eyes and puts you out of the game. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action.
Probably the big story coming out of TNA this week is that Spike TV is considering turning TNA's online "Spin Cycle" show into a weekly television series. Of course, I enjoyed the show better the first time I saw it, when it was still called "Tuesday Night Titans." The statute of limitations on that last joke may have expired.
Also, there are rumors that TNA is upset with their lack of ratings momentum, a lack of momentum that, along with the bad booking and writing, will probably hurt the buyrate for Sunday's big event in Houston. Sources tell this reporter that TNA management is considering bringing Jeff Jarrett out of retirement, even though Double J has never actually actually popped a television rating on any wrestling program he's ever appeared on.
If you have On Demand on your cable system, there's a Victory Road preview where they show last year's Sting & Abyss vs. A.J. Styles & Travis Tomko match in its entirety, shot in film with the original commentary overlaid. I'm actually recommending this if you haven't seen it yet.
Gail Kim vs. Angelina Love: Expect some good things out of this one. Projection? Roxxi counters the outside interference of Ms. Velvet Sky and Gail scores the pin in an entertaining match.
Curry Man & Motor City Machine Guns vs. Tyson Dux, Alex Koslov & Doug Williams vs. Taichi Isikari, Masato Yoshino & Naruki Doi vs. Rey Bucanero & Two Random Mexican Wrestlers (World X Cup Elimination Match): The unknown Mexican duo will almost certainly be major CMLL stars like Mr. Niebla & Dr. Wagner, Jr. and not Johnny Devine and Shark Boy wearing Lucha masks, no sir. Projection? Yoshino pins one of the Unknown Meixcans, Curry Man pins Isikari, and Doug Williams pins Chris Sabin after hitting Chaos Theory to give Team International the win and four points.
Taylor Wilde vs. Awesome Kong (w/ Awesome Raisha) (TNA Knockouts Title): Taylor won the title on Impact to set up the big rematch. It was an incredibly good moment on Impact, so good it almost made me forget about the Beautiful People segment with Jeremy Borash that aired earlier in the hour. Projection? Kong regains her Knockout title after referee Rudy Charles stops the match and rules Taylor unable to continue. This feud, including the various Taylor vs. Raisha matches, should be good for another two months. If not, we'll know how much TNA misses Scott D'Amore.
Jay Lethal vs. Sonjay Dutt: Notice how little we've seen of So Cal Val since Slammiversary? That's a shame. Sort of. Projection? TNA needs to drag this feud out for a while, so let's say that Dutt beats Lethal after a shot with the loaded tambourine.
"Kaz" Kazarian vs. Shawn Daivari vs. Ultimo Guerrero vs. Milano Collection AT (World X Cup - Ultimate X Match): The four team captains square off with the winner earning five points and the World X Cup title for his team. Projection? Why on earth would TNA hold a World X Cup and not have their own team win? Yeah, that's what I thought. Kaz grabs the giant X and earns himself an X division title shot next month against Petey "Pump" Williams.
A.J. Styles, Christian Cage & Rhino vs. Kurt Angle & Team 3-D (Fans Pick The Stipulation): There are three choices. While some of us would rather see a Falls Count Anywhere match, the fans will be encouraged to pick Full Metal Mayhem, just the sort of match an injured Kurt Angle needs. Projection? Team 3-D puts Rhino through a table and Angle pins him. Frank Trigg stays in Angle's corner and taunts the phenomenal one.
Homicide & Hernandez vs. James Storm & Robert Roode (TNA Tag Team Titles - Fans' Revenge Lumberjack Strap Match): Twelve fans get to stay at ringside and whip the wrestlers with leather straps if they stray outside the ring. Projection? Salinas and Jacqueline brawl. Hector Guerrero gets involved and distracts Roode, leading to a pinfall win for Hernandez.
Samoa Joe vs. Booker T (TNA World Heavyweight Title): TNA mangled the first six months or so of Booker's tenure in TNA, but they've done relatively good video packages to make this match seem special. Projection? After teasing more tension between Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash, Joe wins it on his own with a Muscle Buster.
Aftermath: Next month is Hard Justice. Figure on Styles and Christian Cage vs. Kurt Angle and Frank Trigg. Samoa Joe versus Doug Williams might be interesting as a quick program before we begin the road to Samoa Joe vs. Sting, and Petey Williams defends the X division belt against Kaz.
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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He sends out condolences to the friends and family of Tony Snow. His "McNeill Factor" column appears weekly in the Torch Newsletter.
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