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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive SummerSlam projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event. Projections are not predictions, because we can't imagine what runs through the minds of crazy people and their daughters. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive the Gream American Popcorn Machine, furnished by Sunbeam. Pat McNeill's wardrobe provided by "Botany 500". Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.

The big news this weekend was Triple H's interview with an Ottawa newspaper where he talked about the younger generation of workers. In the piece, Triple H opined that many of the undercard workers are where they are because the lack the dedication to arrive at the buildings early, work out in the ring, seek the advice of veteran agents/producers, all while impregnating Vince McMahon's daughter.

Shawn Michaels's big announcement: I vote for Shawn Michaels returning next month at Unforgiven to kick Chris Jericho's ass. Your mileage may vary.

Kofi Kingston & Mickie James vs. Santino Marella & Beth Phoenix (WWE Intercontinental & Women's Titles): The Santino-Beth cool sexy dynamic has been rocking the first hour of Raw. It would be a shame to break things up now. Projection? Santino pins Mickie, giving Santino the women's title and Beth the Intercontinental Title, or something like that.

Jeff Hardy vs. Montel V. Porter:If Jeff Hardy really is injured, his spot should get passed along to Super Crazy. Projection? If Jeff shows up, he almost has to get the victory over the primetime Smackdown player. If not, M.V.P. puts away Jeff's replacement in short order.

Mark Henry (w/ Tony Atlas) vs. Matt Hardy (ECW Heavyweight Title): Mark Henry's stringing together some of the best performance of his career. Still, I don't know why Tony Atlas is out there with him, except that Vince McMahon always liked Atlas. Projection? ECW storylines have to move at a glacial pace, so have "Number One" Tony Atlas hook Matt's leg during a Twist Fate attempt so that Henry can score the win.

Dave Batista vs. John Cena: Batista and Cena have actually been doing that "feuding good guy tag team partner gimmick" that Vince McMahon has loved for the past twenty years or so to build up a big babyface battle. Still, you get the sense that this match isn't as big as it should be. Projection? Randy Orton runs in and hits the RKO, costing Cena the match. From there, Orton, Batista, DiBiase & Rhodes form the New Evolution, and Cena and Cryme Tyme have an uphill battle against them.

C.M. Punk vs. John B. Layfield (World Heavyweight Title): Here's the question we've been discussing all weekend. When you have a new wrestler to shoot to the top, is it better to have the new guy mow through everybody in a few months, the way Bill Goldberg did in 1998 in World Championship Wrestling, or is it better to have your champ struggle his way through the roster, beginning around the midcard level, with each match getting progressively more difficult? Projection? Punk must win this cleanly with the Go To Sleep. Rest assured John Layfield will get his licks in too, before he loses.

Triple H vs. The Great Khali (WWE Heavyweight Title): Triple H has the challenge of wrestling and defeating the massive Khali, and having a good match in the process. There's no way this feud should last until October. Projection? Hunter will eventually have to grab the sledgehammer from under the ring in order to double Khali over for the Pedigree and the win. Again, good luck with this one.

The Undertaker vs. Edge (Hell In A Cell Match): Yes, it is time for our annual Hell in the Cell battle. The bad news is, it feels like the Edge versus Undertaker feud will never end. The good new, of course, is that we get a violent Hell in the Cell match with two of the top gimmick match guys in the business, and Jim Ross and Tazz handling the call. Projection? Do you really think WWE brought Undertaker back so he could lose his specialty match to Edge? Really? Vickie Guerrero and her crew keep Edge from escaping the cell, and the Dead Man score the inevitable victory.

Aftermath: You know, a Triple H vs. M.V.P. feud could be a lot of fun, so let's go with that. Batista is the next man up to challenge C.M. Punk, while Cena has to stave off the returning Randy Orton. This could be a great fall season.

***

Pat McNeill of Fairfax, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He thinks Jim Zorn may be the "NFL Man Of The Year" in 2008. His online pay-per-view previews run exclusively here at PWTorch.com. His longer "McNeill Factor" columns appear in the Torch Newsletter. Pat McNeill’s first book, “The Tables All Were Broken”, is available from many fine booksellers.


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