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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of the World Wrestling Entertainment creative team. Projections are not predictions, because we can't imagine what this show will look like after Mr. McMahon changes everything tomorrow afternoon. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Minwax Wood Finish. America's finest line of interior stain products, in twenty-two colors. Minwax makes and keeps wood beautiful. Remember, this is only an exhibition. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.
Thoughts on January 4th: TNA is (bleep)ing delusional.
We're down to twenty-three days before Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff bring TNA Impact to Monday night and get the first 3.0 rating in TNA history. (Hey, that's what Hulk said.) We are two days before a live three-hour episode of Raw featuring the Slammy Awards and a guest appearance by comedian/casino headliner Dennis Miller. In seven days, WWE will air its free "Tribute To The Troops" show on NBC, headlined by the John Cena vs. Chris Jericho match in Iraq. So, you'll excuse us if this doesn't seem like too meaningful of an event. Fun Fact: This is the first WWE pay-per-view named after furniture.
For our monthly history lesson, we take you back to 1999. If you're griping about the prospect of a John Cena vs. Sheamus Farrelly matchup, be glad you weren't watching ten years ago. WWF Armageddon 1999 was headlined by a No Holds Barred match between Vince McMahon and Triple H, plus it also featured the tag team of Rikishi and "Big Daddy V" Viscera. But wait, there's more! Check out the WWF Title match from ten years ago this month, as The Big Show defended the belt against the late WWF Hardcore Champion The Big Bossman.
For those of you not interested in the past, here's Monday's concluding segment, where Sheamus had his big showdown with Guest General Manager Mark Cuban.
Jim Ross is still sidelined, which means we'll get more of Pep Boy announcers Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Matt Striker. On with the projections!
Michelle McCool vs. Mickie James (WWE Women's Title): Note to Virginia's own Mickie James. Get out while you can, kiddo. Projection? Michelle forces Mickie to tap out to the heel hook.
Christian Cage vs. Shelton Benjamin (ECW Heavyweight Title - Ladder Match): There are rumors that the ECW brand is about to be killed off, because Executive Producer Kevin Dunn doesn't like the idea of fans watching something not named WWE. Believe it or not, WWE couldn't even be bothered to throw an ECW match on Superstars this past week. Projection? Benjamin does a couple of insanely athletic moves, but Christian still scores the victory to keep the big silver belt.
Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton: It's the rubber match between Kofi and Randy. Randy has done a yeoman's job helping to get Kofi over as the next big thing on WWE Raw. Projection? Who needs the victory more? Kofi Kingston does, which is why he pins Orton with a crucifix.
John Morrison vs. Drew McIntyre (WWE Intercontinental Title Match): John Morrison is one of the more interesting personalities on WWE Smackdown. But we can't have all the challengers lose on the same show. Projection? The New Hot Scot catches Morrison with a low kick and scores the fall with the Scot Drop. We have a new Intercontinental Champion.
Big Show & Chris Jericho vs. Degeneration X (WWE Tag Team Titles - TLC Match): On the one hand, these two teams have elevated the mediocre WWE Tag Team Division. On the other hand, are Triple H and Shawn Michaels going to defend the tag team titles at the Friday house show in Mobile, Alabama? Projection? I know DX is probably booked to win this match, but that's probably not the best idea. I'd have Jericho & Big Show recruit the Hart Dynasty to interfere in the match, enabling Jericho to climb the ladder and keep the belts.
John Cena vs. Sheamus Farrelly (WWE Heavyweight Title - Tables Match): Congratulations to WWE on moving someone new into the main event mix. But just because someone is in the main event mix doesn't mean they should hold the WWE Title. Projection? Sheamus sets a table up and goes to superplex Cena through it. Cena gets Sheamus into position and hits the Super Attitude Adjustment through the table.
The Undertaker vs. Dave Batista (Smackdown World Title - Chair Match): Wow! A chair match! If you're doing a chaior match, and you have chairs surrounding the ring, you should have a variety of different chairs, including a La-Z-Boy recliner. Projection? Undertaker survives a couple of chairshots, then chokeslams Batista onto some chairs for the big victory.
Aftermath: Our next show is WWE's 2010 Royal Rumble. Hopefully, Edge makes his return sometime in January. If Jeff Hardy beats the rap, you might see him back on WWE television in January. We'll go with DX vs. The Hart Dynasty, Undertaker & Kane vs. Chris Jericho & Big Show, and maybe even round two of John Cena vs. Sheamus.
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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He'll take Army to beat Navy in today's football game. Sorry, Dad. Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.