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Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Eric "Why I am on TV?" Bischoff, Hulk Hogan or "Mr. Thursday Night" Vince Russo. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these projections, but I, in my divine and mystical way, will ascertain the finishes to these matches without watching all the episodes of TNA Impact on Spike TV. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Anbesol Cold Sore Therapy. The only one with Vitamin E and aloe. Anbesol Cold sore Therapy: Put it on, the pain is gone. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action.
Our friends in Nashville have a new strategy for the month of March. The weekly television shows have been a collection of short matches, interviews and nonsense. This month, the only way to see top-flight matches between athletic TNA wrestlers is to order the pay-per-view. And, frankly, as bad as some of the segments on Impact have been, this is a heck of a wrestling show. On paper, anyway.
James Caldwell has already put up this month's "Before the Bell" special up on this website (twice), so I will have to put up different videos this month. If you've never seen an Ultimate X match before, TNA was nice enough to put the first Ultimate X match from 2003 online. Here's Chris Sabin vs. Frankie Kazarian vs. Michael Shane:
And, as your free gift for clicking on today's column, here's a bonus match with Jay Lethal taking on Rhino.
On with the show.
Amazing Red vs. Frankie Kazarian vs. Brian Kendrick vs. Christopher Daniels (Ladder Match): The winner of this match becomes the top contender for the X division title, or something like that. It's nice to see Frankie Kazarian back in a TNA ring, but I still wish Suicide wasn't out due to injuries. Projection? About three hundred cool spots take place, and Kazarian grabs the X to earn the big title shot.
Eric Young & Kevin Nash vs. Scott Hall & Sean Waltman (Win or GTFO Match): You know that commercial for "Destination X" where the generic announcer bills this show as the place where the past, present and future collide? This match qualifies as "the past". Projection? I'll take Young to pin Waltman in about six minutes. However, if I'm running the show, this match gets scrapped, Nash, Hall & Waltman all get gold watches at "Evening With The Legends" and sent on their merry way, and Eric Young gets a stupid bucket hat while I try to pass him off as "Scotty 2 Hotty" on indy shows. Hey, you asked.
Tara vs. Daffney (TNA Knockout Title Match): I'm a big fan of Lisa Varon. I'm a big fan of Shannon Spruill. Having said that, please don't let this match go longer than five minutes. Okay? Projection? Tara scores the win with the Widow's Peak.
Kurt Angle vs. Ken Anderson: Again, huh? Actually, the finish to this match should depend on whether Kurt Angle actually plans to take time off and heal his various injuries. I'm betting he won't. Projection? Mr. Anderson steals a pin with his feet on the ropes, to set up a big steel cage rematch next month. Isn't that how it works?
Shawn Hernandez & Matt Morgan vs. Beer Money, Inc. (TNA World Tag Team Titles): Let me see if I have this straight. Strangers Matt Morgan and Shawn Hernandez team up and capture the TNA World Tag Team Titles, at which point Morgan immediately turns heel. Since Morgan enjoys being champion, why would he turn on Hernandez now? Projection? Storm knocks out Hernandez with a beer bottle, and Beer Money regains the TNA World Tag Team Titles.
Doug Williams vs. Shannon Moore (TNA X Division Title): Boy, you should have seen the reaction when Shannon Moore was announced as the challenger for tonight's X division title match. You should have seen a reaction, but there wasn't one, because nobody gave a crap. Projection? Williams retains the title with the Chaos Theory.
Rob Terry vs. Brutus Magnus (TNA Global Title): The less said about this one, the better. Projection? Desmond Wolfe and Doug Williams interfere for a three-on-one beatdown on Rob Terry, a beatdown that should be way more entertaining than a Rob Terry match. Terry by disqualification.
Generation Me vs. Motor City Machine Guns (Ultimate X Match): This should be a showcase match for two of the most exciting tag teams in the business right now. So, please, give them at least twelve minutes. Projection? Max and Jeremy Buck pick up a huge pay-per-view win, earning a title shot at Beer Money down the line.
A.J. Styles (w/ Ric Flair) vs. Abyss (TNA World Heavyweight Title): Abyss has the power of Hulkamania behind him. More importantly, these two have a history of good matches, dating back to 2005 when they headlined the Lockdown pay-per-view. I mention that for people (like Hogan and Bischoff) who haven't followed the promotion in the past. Projection? Abyss has Styles pinned following the Black Hole Slam, when Flair breaks the count by bleeding all over referee Andrew Thomas. Thomas leaves the ring and gets tested for hepatitis, at which point Styles whacks Abyss with a protected chairshot and wins the match.
Aftermath: Next month is "Lockdown 2010", where we will see a whole bunch of steel cage matches. A.J. Styles vs. The Pope in a cage, Rob Van Dam vs. Sting in a cage, Beer Money vs. Morgan & Hernandez in a cage, and Kurt Angle vs. Mr. Anderson in a cage.
*** Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He needs Syracuse to beat Gonzaga today, so he can stay near the top of the PWTorch March Madness pool. His longer columns appear in the Torch Newsletter. Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
