MITCHELL'S TAKE
MOJO MITCHELL'S RAW 9/10: Stream Of Lawyers, Bastard Lawyers, and Bastards
Sep 11, 2007 - 2:00:43 AM |
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By Bruce Mitchell, PWTorch columnist
Bruce Mitchell, a PWTorch columnist since 1990, writes Mojo Mitchell commentaries after most editions of Raw and various other shows periodically. Most of his Mojos are reserved for VIP members on the Torch VIP website, but occasionally they are also published here on the free version of the site.
We start with Mr. McMahon and Raw GM Jonathan Coachman in the ring. McMahon starts in on one of those expository speeches explaining the bastard child storyline that sounds nothing like how anyone in real life, or anywhere else, speaks.
Mr. McMahon tears up the Mr. Kennedy edition of the new WWE Magazine, saying, "Mr. Kennedy should be suspended for impersonating a McMahon."
No, he should be fired for lying so blatantly and stupidly that he embarrassed a company that still isn't past embarrassment.
At least McMahon got a little cheap heat out of the original plan here in Green Bay.
Mr. McMahon demands to know who the bastard son is right now. The Great Khali appears. "Things are looking up." McMahon beams at having sired such a big bastard.
Just as the celebration starts, JBL appears. He says, "Things are looking up" means money for him and McMahon. Instead of being JBL he would be proud to change his name to JBM.
J... BM, get it?
Hey, wait a second...
JBL looks at Khali and sneers, "Put Big Gulp on a leash." He blows smoke for a while at Mr. McMahon about being proud to be his son and then...
Jeff Hardy appears. He knows who his dad is but he says every time he climbs a ladder or hits a Swanton he hears "Things are looking up."
Mr. Johnson, the bastard son's mother's lawyer appears. McMahon hates lawyers, even his own. (It can't be easy being Jerry McDevitt these days.) He says it isn't Hardy, who celebrates. Johnson knows something about ratings and teases so he says we won't find out now. Darn, I'm tired. I figured they'd reveal it in the first segment and after the slight disappointment I could go to sleep.
No such luck.
Mr. McMahon makes a match between Jeff Hardy and The Great Khali to get revenge on the viewers at home for watching all those cable TV shows about dead wrestlers, I mean, on Hardy for mocking him.
So we get a quick look at the triumph in South Africa. They acknowledge the tag title switch back and forth in S.A. between Lance Cade & Brian Kendrick and Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch then Lance Cade faces Brian Kendrick in a Bore The Fans After The Bastard Son Tease. (See, for you readers born after 1986 that joke is in reference to the practice back in the Hulkamania days of sending out two dullards to wrestle right before Hogan had his usual main event in the middle of the show so Hogan would get an even bigger pop from the crowd. It was known as The Bore The Fans Before The Hulkster Match. Don't you wish I explained all the jokes?)
Kendrick sneaks in and hits the Sliced Bread on London behind the referee's back so London wins.
Cute Triple H plugs his new t-shirt. Jerry Lawler wants to go online to get one. Jerry Lawler, what a trouper.
John Cena isn't suspended, he's barred from the building. That's completely different.
Interesting how they mention most of the suspended guys' storyline reasons for being off the show, and with the exception of Mr. Kennedy, they aren't buried at all and all in character.
Coach tells Mr. McMahon he banned John Cena from the building and hired extra security to keep him out. Then he introduces the second biggest vote-getter in the WWE.com poll as to who his bastard son he is, Stevie Richards. McMahon laughs in his face. Richards doesn't get in a word. I don't know why they just don't cheat on their on-line polls.
Then McMahon asks coach who the number one vote getter is. It's Triple H.
Oooooh!
Carlito says by the end of the night he'll prove to be Triple H's daddy. Carlito got to pick Triple H's opponent, next.
Uh, Triple H is pretty damn big.
He faces Shelton "The Natural" Benjamin. (Again, for you youngsters, "The Natural" is in reference to Butch "The Natural" Reed, a black guy whose gimmick was he dyed his hair blonde too. No, it didn't work then, either.) Triple H grins like Benjamin's nothing. Carlito watches at ringside. Jim Ross points out that Shelton Benjamin has beaten Triple H twice.
What? No way.
Triple H dumps poor S.B. in Carlito's lap as we go to a break.
They wrestle for a while and then Triple H wins clean with a Pedigree. Carlito tries to hit The Game with a chair, but he makes his own comeback, of course.
Raw G.M. Coach appears to tell Triple H that his match at Unforgiven is a No DQ match... for Carlito.
Oooh...
That means Carlito can use any object he wants while Triple H will get DQ'd if he tries to use a chair or a sledgehammer.
No, what it means is this time when Triple H tries to give someone a concussion at least it'll be on pay-per-view instead of cable TV.
Randy Orton, The Exception Who Proves The Rule, appears. He cuts another lifeless expository promo explaining how he kicked in Daddy Cena's head.
In a shocking development, and just in time as I was nodding off, Cena appears at ringside but Pink Shirt Security holds him at bay.
Mr. McMahon yells at Coach for letting Cena in the building, and then brags he'll throw him out. The pink cloud of security appears backstage. Cena cuts an over-written revenge promo about Orton. "His blood with run with fear!" Well, he's upset about his Dad, I guess you can't blame him for mixing his metaphors. Have you ever actually heard someone threaten to beat someone up who used the word "Vengeance" when he did it?
Me neither.
Also Cena ends up in tears, which may not help him with his detractors.
Uh, The Rock is pretty damn thin.
Mickie James faces Jillian Hall. Candice Michelle, our champeen, sits with Lawler. (Again, for you youngsters, "champeen" is what Classy Freddie Blassie would call his champions when he was a WWF manager. He also used the term back when he was a big star in L.A. for the WWA. He was even the WWA World Champeen and, uh, never mind...)
Mickie wins.
Beth Phoenix runs in, throws James and Hall out of the ring, and crushes Candice with Samoa Joe's MuscleBuster.
What, no Victoria?
Santino Morella is out there. I could have sworn he was suspended, too, seeing as how he received a bunch of drugs from the banned Signature Pharmacy and all. Morella sneers, "At least (Luciano Pavarotti) died before he had to watch Stone Cold Steve Austin in The Condemned."
I don't get it, why would a famous opera singer be forced to watch a flop movie?
Morella faces The Sandman. Despite appearances, it actually is physically possible Sandman could beat up some of the adult members of the audience (and most of the children). The fans who watched this match didn't much seem to like it. Morella gets DQ'd for beating up Sandman with his own cane, then tries to break it over his leg and injures himself.
Yeah, he's going to be the next break-out heel, alright.
Maria tells Ron Simmons maybe she ought to break up with Santino when Morella jumps Simmons and beats him up. "Damn," only Morella says it.
Look, the Scores Girls, no wait...
Look, if some of you don't lighten up on this drug stuff, all we're going to get is these Clean Living Khali matches.
The CLK faces the now Clean Living Jeff Hardy for our (Not The) Main Event. Hey, Lawler's right, call Grandma from the kitchen, this is the IC champion versus the Smackdown champion. (See, kids, when WWE Hall of Famers Blackjack Mulligan and Ernie "The Cat" Ladd used to cut a promo for the big match Saturday night at the Armory, they'd say that.)
The CLK crushes Hardy's skull with his double-handed claw, like he did Rey's Friday night. Hey, maybe that means Hardy gets a shot at the Smackdown title.
The Clean Living Batista (just ask him) spears the CLK. What, he couldn't come down a minute or two sooner and stop Hardy from getting his head caved in?
It's time for the Big Reveal. I swear, I still think the bastard is Mr. Kennedy.
The roster is out at ringside.
The lawyer gives some clues. Did I mention McMahon hates him?
First clue, he's not Extreme. No kidding.
2nd Clue: The ECW roster goes to the back.
He has a fondness for gold. The champs and former champs leaves.
3rd Clue: Your son's skin is fair. No kidding.
White folks stay.
Coach can stay too. (Like I said.)
4th Clue: Fair hair: I'm telling you, it's Kennedy. The crowd figured it out. McMahon tells that same suspension joke from the first segment, so I'm wrong and the hometown crowd is disappointed.
5th Clue: Individual Gold. No Cade or Murdoch.
JBL, Sandman, and Triple H are left.
Final Clue: Your son loves to play The Game.
Not exactly the shocked reaction you'd expect. A Triple H chant starts that's not as loud as you'd think.
McMahon says if you're my son then... Triple H doesn't like this any better than he does.
But no, it's a swerve. The game the bastard son plays is marbles and he played it on Smackdown Friday night.
Things are looking up for the son, not the father. It's Hornswoggle.
Mr. McMahon makes his put-upon face while the little guy celebrates. Triple H does the phony slap-his-knee hee-haw laugh to sell it. What a sports entertainer.
That's an awful lot of effort and TV time to put over a mid-card novelty act with a limited shelf life.
Damn Vanilla Midgets.
Score 4.0: This was about whether the Big Reveal uncovered a Big Payoff. It didn't.
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