Email This Article - Contact Us - VIP Sign-Up - Back to Home Page

|

We start with Coach pestering Kane about whether he'll address Triple H's charges this week on Raw. Kane quite sensibly tells Coach, "It's none of his business." I've watched Homicide and all the Law and Orders. The first thing you do is lawyer up. Then take off the mask.

We're in Montreal, where's Bret?

Kane and Hurricane defend the Raw tag belts against Christian and Chris Jericho. Booker T shows up to put a weak beat down on Chris Jericho, who is so bothered by this he goes right on to wrestle in the match.

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler, the two morons, never think to ask why no one has called the police about these charges, or tried to find out who this person murdered ten years ago is, or whether Kane has retained a lawyer.

"Have you ever been falsely accused of anything, King?" Ross asks. Ross can't call the police for a whole week, but he can remember to stick it to the King with that question.

"Yes, I have," Lawler avers. Oh, brother.

Jericho pins Hurricane with his feet on the ropes for new Raw tag team champs. Like anyone cares. Seven guys kill themselves for 25 minutes last week for these belts and this is how it ends up? Kane was too busy acting fake guilty to help his little pal. Ross makes sure to put over how distracted Kane is by these charges.

Boy, I bet they're lining up around the block to spend thirty bucks to watch a completely distracted babyface half-assed chase the Raw World Title with so much on his mind.

Booker T yells at Chris Jericho during the big two�man champagne celebration. Eric Bischoff says the new champs must defend against Booker T & Goldust at No Mercy. I guess a good match between Booker T and Chris Jericho might give someone momentum.

Lance Storm faces Al Snow in the No Charisma match up. William Regal does commentary until Ross shows some footage of him dolled up in the Vegas Show Girl outfit. Regal goes down to ringside. It doesn't help, at least as far as the crowd's interest goes.

Regal distracts Snow so Storm can superkick and pin him. You know what they say: Those who can't, teach.

Victoria pauses between every phrase for no particular reason as she explains how Trish Stratus held her back somehow or another from being a Diva. Victoria "will do anything to make it," she says, but Trish (altogether now) "will do anyone." Trish stiff slaps her for that. Victoria just grins. She digs it.

It's come to this. The toughest bastard in the company is a "fitness model."

Bischoff applauds the effort of RVD, Spike Dudley, and Jeff Hardy from last week. All three look torn and frayed. He shows a highlight reel of the TLC Match from last week, then he blows off Spike in his inimitable style. Spike tells him to "Bite Me." Bischoff tells RVD he has a match with Ric Flair at No Mercy. Several fans "Whoo" half-heartedly at the announcement. RVD half heartedly says "Cool." Then Bischoff tells RVD he has a Canadian Lumberjack match with Triple H.

See, it's fair RVD loses to Triple H tonight because he can get his revenge and heat back against the sixteen time world champion dad Sunday night.

Triple H complains to his father about the straps in a Canadian lumberjack match. Maybe Helmsley should get someone beside a guy Bischoff detests to do his negotiating. Triple H says he's giving Kane until after the next match to confess. "Kane is a murderer." the large nosed prosecutor intones. Several fans boo.

Jeff Hardy, the Flyin' Wino, faces Rico. I don't know about Rico sucking, but this match does. At one point Hardy just lays face first on the mat for no reason. Several fans start entertaining themselves with ironic "TWO" counts at the near falls. Hardy hits a swanton.

Kane yells at his partner Hurricane and tells him he wants to be left alone. Terri, like a true friend, gives him a pep talk and convinces him to tell his story. She should be wearing the mask.

Bad move, Kane. I'm telling ya, I've watched a million NYPD Blues and Shields. The smart move is always to Lawyer Up. And get Jerry McDevitt. The guys a bulldog, I'm telling you.

I love that Triple H's head has gotten so fat with all his pull in the company he thinks his word really is the law and that he can prosecute guys for real life felonies just by calling them to the ring.

Kane says Katie Vick was his friend ten years ago. He says she died, but it was an accident, he's not a murderer.

See, she was a fan who came to his first match. She got drunk one night and Kane drove her home. What with the unfamiliar roads, the stick shift and, one assumes, that mask, it was hard to drive. An animal ran out, one thing lead to another, and, well, these things happen. He's sorry.

Triple H says that's not the whole truth. First, Kane was drunk. Second, his semen was in Katie Vick. Third, he was in love with her. Fourth, she didn't love him back because he was a burned up freak. Fifth, maybe Kane raped her. Sixth, or maybe he had sex with after she was dead.

Yuck.

They go right to the break on that one.

I told you to lawyer up, Dead Man.

And if that wasn't sexy enough for you Raw follows all that titillation with Stacy Kiebler swishing her butt down to the ring while the King leers. She's the special referee in the Molly Holly & Victoria vs. Jacqueline & Trish Stratus match. Ross says at least with Stacy ref'ing the Canadian fans won't yell "You screwed Bret" every three seconds. At least not yet.

Did anything else ever happened in this country?

Molly Holly super-slo-mo rolls up Jackie, who awkwardly rolls Holly into Stacy, who slowly folds her body out of the ring. Another ref runs in and counts out Molly for the pin. Trish and Victoria have a ref pull apart.

Booker T tests out the leather straps. He looks forward to strapping that pompous Triple H, since he'll never get a title shot with the guy.

Tommy Dreamer grabs a strap and grins. The guy blew off his honeymoon with his true love the beautiful former Bealuh McGuillicutty, to whip a big, strong, sweaty Superstar. Which figures...

Eric Bischoff introduces the very first InterContinental Champion Pat Patterson, since the title is being discontinued Sunday. Patterson tells everyone in French "Bret screwed Bret." Patterson doesn't trust Bischoff. Eric tells him this is nothing about three minutes. He shows a history of the IC belt video for some reason that completely escapes me. Plenty of Harts, Austins, Rocks etc.

Then Patterson gets jumped by those two fat, terrible wrestlers. Jerry Brisco makes the save, only to get beat up, too. The Big Show makes a save with strap, then D-Lo Brown comes down to help, then here comes Jeff Hardy. Aww, sweet revenge. I can't wait to see the quarter hour rating on that one.

Suddenly, there's a clip of Bret Hart walking through a curtain. "WWF Anthology, November 12,", the screen reads.

And now, a brief prayer:

Dear Lord,

Please, Oh Lord, I beseech you, not another recap of Survivor Series from five years ago.

Amen.

Would a man sell his very soul for some phony glory?

Of course, he would, particularly if he thinks he's the best there was, blah, blah, blah, but no one remembers...

Chris Nowinski points out to that glad-handing Al Snow that he made it no thanks to him and anyway Snow lost tonight. Snow is disappointed because like any teacher, he wants to ride his student's glory train.

Chris Nowinski faces Tommy Dreamer, who Ross acknowledges was taking a break from his honeymoon. I confess I'm disappointed. I'd always figured after everything that happened in ECW, Tommy Dreamer would end up marrying Raven. Those two crazy kids belong together after all they went through.

Nowinski beats Dreamer in a lousy match, once again supporting the old saw about honeymooning before the big fight, or even a popcorn match...

Triple H goes on so long in a backstage interview the producer goes to black while he's still talking, which doesn't even slow him down.

A funny video on Randy Orton, with a great line from his grandfather, the Big O: "He reminds me of a cross between George Clooney and Lou Thesz, except he's better looking than Clooney and wrestles better than Thesz."

Randy Orton does yet another insincere babyface interview, this year's "My Gimmick Sucks" annoying gimmick. He's hurt, so he invites fans to e-mail him get well wishes. Then he reminds everyone about Bret Hart in Montreal to make sure everyone gets the hint.

Booker T faces The Big Show in a falls count anywhere match since somehow last week Booker got a match out of the big slug, so enough damage wasn't done...

Ross and Lawler argue about Kane being a murderer again. Funny how they don't argue about him being a necrophiliac...

Anyway, there's plenty of that crappy backstage hardcore mess between Booker T and the Big Show. Since Ryan Shamrock complained about Triple H going in the women's bathroom at the Nicole Bass fiasco, the two brawl into the ladies shower. Jericho, who is somehow already back there, whacks Booker over the head with a garbage can lid so Big Show can win. It's amazing fans are still into Booker.

Triple H and his father trap all the good guy lumberjacks in the locker room behind a fork lift, setting up a Kane monster spot.

Triple H faces Rob Van Dam in a non title Canadian Lumberjack match with just bad guy lumberjacks. Imagine how over Van Dam would be if he just learned main event style?

Bored fans entertain themselves with the "Two!" chant, then segue into the classic "You Screwed Bret" serenade to Earl Hebner.

As RVD is getting whipped yet again, here comes Booker T and the good guys to the rescue. I guess they couldn't get the shot of Kane picking up the forklift to free the faces.

Hunter's dad hits RVD in the face with the title belt so his son can get the pin.

Here comes Kane. He plays ping pong with Hunter and his dad, but they escape and Kane choke slams the also ran lumberjacks.

Bruce Mitchell has been a Torch columnist since September 1990. His feature-length columns are published in the Torch Newsletter about once per month.

Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

For more BREAKING NEWS on WWE, TNA!
VISIT OUR AFFILIATE - PROWRESTLING.NET

For UFC & MMA NEWS & BLOGS:
VISIT OUR SISTER SITE - MMATORCH.COM

Upgrade to PWTORCH VIP: DETAILS & SIGN-UP INFO

(c) 1999-2009 TDH Communications Inc. - All rights reserved.