MITCHELL'S TAKE MITCHELL CLASSIC: "I'm Not Gay!" - My take on the Billy & Chuck wedding (9-12-02) Sep 12, 2007 - 4:26:55 PM

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This Mitchell's Take was originally published on PWTorch.com five years ago today - Sept. 12, 2002. In-depth PWTorch coverage of the Billy & Chuck stunt can be found in the latest two back issues of PWTorch Newsletter just published in the VIP back issues section over the past week...

Ever since this breakthrough angle with Chuck & Billy and their Commitment Ceremony I have struggled from the bottom of my soul with how to write about it.

How do I handle it? What do I say? I mean, who am I to judge? After all, I'm not gay.

(On the other hand I am a human being and as one I recognize that HLA (HLA isn't a gay term, it's a porno term) thing for the contempt it showed for women, men, wrestling fans, lesbians, straight, lipstick, underwear, fat guys with baggy pants, fat guys with bad dye jobs, and anything and everybody. Even though it was the night old Jerry Lawler finally pissed thirty years away, it didn't deserve the Mojo. )

Anyway, as I was saying, I'm not gay. I'm not sure if I agree with that old Seinfeld line either about "Not that there's anything wrong with it" because, not being gay and all, I've never had a gay experience, so I don't know if there's anything wrong with it or not. I mean, the Commitment Ceremony between Billy & Chuck.

So it's hard to say if the Chuck & Billy deal is wrong, not knowing how a gay person who has had gay experiences would feel about it. Would a gay person (not like me) go for this stuff, or would they find it overlong and based around Stephanie McMahon in the end?

(On, the other hand, Lenny & Lodi is wrong. That lollipop stuff and the little ponytails and all... I know Amos & Andy when I see it, even if I'm not black, I mean African-American, I mean gay.)

So, to get back on track, I'm not gay, so I have no idea if Billy & Chuck's lack of stereotypical mannerisms is a positive to the homosexual community, or their lack of any discernible personality inauthentic or whether Rico is a poorly acted character in the manner of that Jack guy on Will and Grace, or a poorly acted stereotype like Alan Sues on the old Laugh In show. Not being gay, I can still tell Paul Lynde was hilarious in the Center Square of Hollywood Squares, though. On the other hand Whoopie Goldberg was not funny in the Center Square, or anywhere else. Neither is Rico, except he never was on Hollywood Squares. AWA Heavyweight Champion Nick Bockwinkle was, and he's not gay as far as I know, like me. Not gay, I mean

Not being gay or an advertiser or a stock analyst (or, for that matter a gay advertiser or a gay stock analyst) I have no real way of knowing whether the spate of publicity the Commitment Ceremony generated will help the WWE bottom line, though the "desperate" stuff in the stories can't help.

After watching the ceremony, not being gay, it's hard to tell whether all that sappy music was authentic to the gay experience. It wasn't Judy Garland with her rainbows, although I happen to know that "It's Raining Men" was co-written by Paul Shaffer from the David Letterman Show, neither one of which is gay, even if Letterman's favorite wrestler growing up was "Dick" the Bruiser.

(On the other hand, Bruce is wrong. No, I'm not wrong, or gay either. I mean the Bruce who used to be the fake Hulkster and the fake Saturday Night Live character Mango and is now the fake Miss TNA (the only out of the closet SNL performer was Terry Sweeney, who wasn't funny either, except for the Nancy Reagan imitation.) I'm just a Bruce, not the Bruce just like I'm not gay or the gay. The other Bruce is wrong, because the girl from the stands shouldn't have outwrestled him the first week. Anyway, who cares? X-Pac Sucks, live from the Fairgrounds. Good luck, guys.))

Back to my main point. I'm not gay.

And, after watching Smackdown, apparently neither is anyone else.

Bruce Mitchell has been a Torch columnist since September 1990. His feature-length columns are published in the PWTorch Newsletter about once per month, his shorter Mitchell's Memos every week, and his Mojo Raw commentaries most weeks, also. He also is the star of the Bruce Mitchell Audio Show every week in the PWTorch VIP section. He knows his stuff. He knows he's not gay, too.

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