MITCHELL'S TAKE VIP - MOJO MITCHELL'S RAW 9/17: Stream of Triple H at his Worst, WWE Creative at Their Worst Sep 18, 2007 - 12:55:15 AM

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Bruce Mitchell, a PWTorch columnist since 1990, writes Mojo Mitchell commentaries after most editions of Raw and various other shows periodically. Most of his Mojos are reserved for VIP members on the Torch VIP website, but occasionally they are also published here on the free version of the site.

VIP EXCLUSIVE...

Mojo Mitchell's Raw Stream of Triple H at his Worst, WWE Creative at Their Worst,

We start with John Cena, I know, some of you guys are upset with me. I'm sorry. That show last night was really bad. That's partly my fault. My match sucked, too.

Well, now I feel like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders. You see, WWE has decided, screw it, we are who we are (you can tell by how strong all the big main Superstars look again) and nobody has the balls to stop us.

Bad show? Yeah, but everyone's coming back from suspension in two weeks, you know, because of the new 26 day month. Enough's enough.

The acting Raw GM, Jonathan Coachman interrupts. He points out he could have fired Cena for throwing him down last night. He makes yet another Cena-Randy Orton match, only you're not the Cena that's facing the Legend Killer. It's Randy Orton versus your father one-on-one tonight. We gotta do something to fill these spots until everyone gets back."

John Cena calls Coach a bad name and goes after him but never gets to the ramp.

Actually, this father deal should really make the Orton-Cena feud a personal one; it's well thought out, well executed...

And both guys are losing steam because of it.

Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy gets to make up for having to work the Great Khali last week by getting a win over poor old Shelton Benjamin. Actually, this starts off kind of sluggishly.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson rides off into the Hollywood sunset with a "No Tolerance" wave bye bye. Where's the loyalty?

The match picks up after the break. Hardy wins with a Swanton and the girls still scream. Jim Ross tries to put over Shelton Benjamin as "a world class athlete," only because he is - then notes Hardy's "rock star-like reception." Soon he'll be calling the midget bastard child skit. At least the bar-be-que is selling and the Sooners are winning.

Why are the Scores Girls on Raw again?

Mr. McMahon makes faces in his limo, then Coach joins him to blow a little smoke. Coach promises him "the plan is set and you won't have to worry about this."

Hornswoggle is taped into an infant seat. He's eating Lucky Charms, then escapes out the limousine door. If anyone watching was laughing at any of this, I didn't hear them.

Mystery Pharmacy Client # 2 Santino Marella

Dad won't let Sonny Cena get stripped of the title. He's wrestling tonight. Santino begs Maria to come out. Jillian Hall tells him she won't come out. They do the obvious Britney Spears basing. Jillian suggests they do a country music duet, then sings a tremendous version of Achy Breaky Heart.

They play Three Stooges music while Coach and Mr. McMahon look for Hornswoggle. No, wait, it's Irish music, coming from McMahon's office, which is decked out in green. McMahon is mad. There's a horse with a horn strapped to its head. McMahon makes faces at it. Really

Did I miss something? For some reason Hacksaw Duggan is wrestling Daivari in a Capture The Flag match. He captures the Flag. Yeah! USA! USA

Cody Runnels wants Daddy Cena's spot, but Coach won't listen. John Cena won't be responsible for what happens if the match goes on. Coach tells Cena he has a match, too, and if he wins, Daddy is off the hook.

Mr. McMahon claims he wants to welcome his new son into the family. HS dances around to Mr. McMahon's irritation. He asks HS about the money he'll get when, if, he dies. Mr. McMahon tells him he's putting him up for adoption to Dan and Alice Koskie, or something.

Uh, midgets are grown ups. This kind of stuff creeps me out.

This is dying.

HS pants his new dad and beats him up, then bits the new mom on the ass.

"Me and you now, Dad."

Mr. McMahon tells him he's a disgrace to his family. "Get the hell out of my ring. Get the hell out of my life." This gets boos.

Triple H comes out. Why he wants anything to do with this debacle, well, it's going to get pushed hard, debacle or not. Turns out Triple H is the one who decorated his office.

What a scamp.

I realize you slept with trolls back in the day. Lots more puns, mostly about Vince's penis. Look 'em up if you care.

Triple H teases him and teases him. Ross and Jerry Lawler, good sports that they are, giggle. The "magically delicious line" gets a big laugh because Triple H really sells it. Mr. McMahon starts The Game's handicap match with the tag champions Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch, Yeah, that ol' trick.

The King of Kings is obviously done dealing with things that mere mortals do, like, you know, selling. This is the guy's third match back and he's riding on the fumes of his star power right now. Carlito is watching from the ramp. Triple H wins with the spinebuster on Cade. Carlito runs in for three on one beat down. Brian Kendrick and Paul London run off Cade & Murdoch. They clear out so Triple H can hit a spinebuster on Carlito. For those of you counting at home, that's three guys Triple H beat in one segment.

And then four and five. Kendrick'n' London are too, well, small, for a guy who judges everyone on their oversize pecs to pal around with. The K of K lays them out with Pedigrees, too.

A little insecurity goes a long way. I don't think I ever saw Hulk Hogan or Dusty Rhodes go that far.

Candice Michelle & Mickie James face Jillian Hall & Victoria. Michelle pins Hall with the Candy Wrapper. Cute. Beth Phoenix, who was watching at ringside, jumps in and presents Michelle with her belt, than pops her one on her shoulder to intimidate her a little.

McMahon and Coach think Hornswoggle is gone, but he's really in the trunk of Mr. McMahon's limo. How clever.

John Cena faces The Great Khali to save his father. I typed that before they revealed Cena's mystery opponent. There hasn't been an original idea on this show, much less a good one.

Next week is Triple H vs. Carlito in a steel cage. Why? You got me. It's as if one night on TBS in 1985 they announced Magnum T.A. vs. George South and "They're building a cage of steel in Atlanta."

Well, I was wrong. Santino Marella comes out to face John Cena, That's not right. The bell rings. They wrestle. Cena does the knuckle thing and Marella runs away. Randy Orton jumps Cena and the two beat him up. The ref calls for the DQ. Orton handcuffs Cena to the bottom rope.

Both Ross and Lawler point out this means Daddy doesn't have to wrestle Orton, but Coach says Cena had to win by pinball or submission. The match is still on.

Randy Orton faces Daddy Cena with Sonny Cena handcuffed to the bottom rope. Daddy walks slowly down the rope. After a minute or so of non-action, Cody Rhodes jumps him to get beat up by Randy Orton. Orton continues to stalk Dad while Cena tries to break the chain. Too late. Orton RKOs Dad.

Rerun. Didn't he leave Daddy lying to set up their last pay-per-view match?

The boys fans chant "You can't wrestle" as the second night in a row of dull-ass WWE TV goes the air.

Score 2.0

John Cena standing up for his dad is doing to real damage to his always-volatile relationship with the fans and with his feud with Randy Orton. People are rejecting this angle out of hand. Triple H is at his worst, the big slug, eating up half the roster because he moves like Babe the Ox. The Hornswoggle Bastard stuff just lays there. I can't imagine the reaction to a second week of that obvious crap. WWE creative is so bankrupt of ideas as to what to do with this crew they even trotted out USA! USA! USA! Hacksaw Jim Duggan to get the cheapest smile of all. Jeff Hardy and Shelton Benjamin had a decent match and you could hear the relief in Jim Ross's voice.

This is WWE at their arrogant, uninspired worst.

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