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MITCHELL CLASSIC (09/16/02): Mojo Mitchell's Raw Stream of You Can't Make This Stuff Up...
Sep 19, 2007 - 2:04:20 AM |
By Bruce Mitchell, Torch columnist
The following Mojo Mitchell commentary was originally published five years ago this week on PWTorch.com in reaction to that week's episode of Raw...
So, like I was saying, I'm not ga..., uh, wait, is this a new take?
We start with a recap of Eric Bischoff's Scooby Doo Mysteries Moment from Smackdown last week.
Speaking of recaps, those of you who don't get the Torch Newsletter missed one of the great moments in journalism history Monday as in the same issue as Jason Powell had the nerve to refer to me as "Typo Mitchell" the editorial geniuses that run the rag spelled it (get this) "Lesbains" in their main headline. You can't make this stuff up...
Lesbains. Whatta couple of maroons...
The live part starts with Eric Bischoff in the ring with only a spotlight on him, crowing about his big moment on Smackdown. Bischoff announces Rico has joined the Raw roster and will face Ric Flair (ooh, a dream match). He reveals his secret: "Controversy equals cash." Yeah, tell it to O.J., pal...
Bischoff says Raw isn't the same old predictable show, then Triple H comes to the ring to talk for a long time. You can't make this stuff up...
Really, really tepid "RVD" chants. The Game takes several minutes to explain that he isn't scared of Rob Van Dam. Apparently they turn the sound off during Helmsley's interviews now to help them stand out.
Triple H tries a little reverse psychology to get an tepid RVD chant started again. RVD finally comes out with his trademark stoner smirk, his one facial expression. He tells Tripe H he seems stressed and he needs to "shape his anger." I keep waiting for RVD to offer The Game a blunt.
The Game says that anger is why he's great, and then tells a whopper as big as his honker, that his anger is why he sells out arenas. RVD says, in his sing-song voice, that everyone loves it when Triple H spits his water.
I hope a hell of a lot of people really want to see Brock Lesnar face the Dead Man for the Half Title, because that match is going to have to carry the ticket selling load Sunday night.
Rob Van Dam then proves he too can get the fans to tepidly chant "RVD" too. Five minutes too late Triple H makes his move, RVD counters with a kick to the face, and we're finally out.
The Triple H Paradox: WWE needs Big Names. Triple H is one of the last Big Names. Everyone is sick of Triple H.
"IOW, the International Organization of Women " are picketing outside. Great, we're going to get preached at again. I guess NOW saw the WWE made fools of GLAAD and wanted no part of it.
Ric Flair comes out for his match with Rico. Jim Ross notes that 22 years ago Tuesday Ric Flair won his first world title from Dusty Rhodes in Kansas City.
True Story: I found out Ric Flair won that first NWA World Title while going through the newspaper stacks in the Jackson Library at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro looking for wrestling results while I should have been studying. A four line story at the bottom of the Asheville sports page noted that Flair had not been at the weekend Mid-Atlantic show because he had just won the NWA Championship and he had to fulfill the champion's commitments. The great Cowboy Ron Bass took his place. "Flare's" name was misspelled. Some woman in bi-focals looked annoyed as I let out a "Whooo!" in the quiet library.
Jerry Lawler is back to burying Flair again, pointing out how his last great run is slowing to a crawl as Rico is on offense. Rico pins Flair when he hesitates using a chair and Rico capitalizes with a blown spot for the win . The beginning of yet another Flair heel turn, as the Dirtiest Player in the Game realizes he's gone soft because of you, the fans... The match is short and not much good at all.
Booker T is back to doing those "I was a dumbass in school and I'm still one now" interviews guaranteed not to get him over about his match with Test. See, Booker doesn't like Tests, like blood tests or pregnancy tests or Gateway Tests that get him put in Summer School. More than anyone - RVD, Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit - Booker T is the one who gets his authentic connection with wrestling fans constantly sabotaged.
Booker T has another of those by-the-numbers matches with Test. It has more heat than the segment with Big Star Triple H and RVD.
Triple H blows out Ric Flair for losing to Rico, telling him he lost his guts and he should get out while the getting is good. Flair says at least he never had the title handed to him because "Ten guys had to take a vote" (Oh wait, that's Confidential) and "You don't know what I'm capable of." Triple H replies with a smirk "I think I do."
I don't know if I was as charisma-free as The Game is these days I'd want one of the most charismatic figures in the history of the business overshadowing me as my manager, but what the hell..
The Fake Feminists want to see Eric Bischoff to discuss "Raw's deplorable treatment of women." Whopee.
The UnAmericans, Lance Storm and Christian, defend against the Dudleyz, which I guess means the long awaited title defense by Triple H against Bubba Ray Dudley can build anticipation for another day. I think Spike got a haircut.
The Uns put Spike through a table and roll up Bubba for the pin. Darn.
Eric Bischoff has a smirk off with Chris Jericho, who gets yet another match with RVD. Bischoff agrees to meet with the Fake Feminists, saying, "We got a few minutes."
"Uh oh" Jim Ross foreshadows, forgetting it's the Ultimate Woman's turn to get over.
No doubt Vince McMahon and WWE, Inc. have a lot to answer for, but their ability to show up phony publicity-seeking political action fund raising groups is unparalleled since the days when Hustler publisher Larry Flynt duked it out with the unctuous Reverend Fallwell over the First Amendment. The next time GLAAD jumps on a PR bandwagon, maybe they can be bothered to watch whatever it is they support.
Bubba Ray agonizes over Spike's neck collar. Since when does going through a table hurt anybody? Triple H comes by to smirk again. Maybe he's putting together the new Four Horseman, with Bubba in the famous Double A Enforcer Spot. Maybe not.
Rob Van Dam faces Chris Jericho for the seventeenth straight week for the Intercontinental Belt. What's the matter, Jerry Lynn too busy getting ready for the restart at the Fabulous Fairgrounds?
What's the main event of this dog again? Oh yeah, they haven't said...
RVD kicks Jericho flat in the face. Oww. RVD goes for the Five Star when Triple H runs down, RVD hits him on the outside instead. Unfortunately RVD lands on his face in the process. Oww, again.
Jericho kicks out of a split legged moonsault. Triple H does something or another to distract RVD, so Jericho slaps him in the lion tamer AND RVD, WHO HAS TO HEADLINE THE UNFORGIVEN PAY-PER-VIEW IN SIX DAYS AGAINST THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, TAPS OUT, LOSING THE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE! C'mon fans, spend thirty bucks to see a loser babyface challenge the heel champion. You can't make this stuff up.
What a bunch of idiots.
(Of course, in the Even-Steven World of Post Modern Booking, that would seem to guarantee an RVD win Sunday for the Half Title, no doubt due to a sledge hammer...)
(And in the Triple H World Of The Triple H Show, Triple H gets the Half Title back the next night so he can say he beat someone and hold that Half Title proudly)
Then, get this, Ric Flair, who just lost to a frigging manager, gets the first title shot at Unforgiven against the new IC champ, Chris Jericho. (The Even-Steven Rules don't apply to the Nature Boy, of course. Oh wait, yes they do, he made Jericho tap at SummerSlam and now it's his turn.)
The New Slim Kane wins by DQ over the lousier in the ring by the week William Regal when the other Uns attack Big Red. Booker T, Goldust, and Bubba make the save setting up a four way Everyone Gets Paid Match at Unforgiven.
The Fake Feminists are introduced by Eric Bischoff. Even though Bischoff has a tremendous smarmy delivery, this dies before it can live. The FF spokesmodel complains about Bra and Panties matches, Pillow Fights, and the Lesbians. Bischoff starts calling for HLA, then tells them their three minutes are up, when suddenly, in a Scooby Doo Mysteries Moment Redux a Fake Feminist kicks him in the yutes and unmasks to reveal Stephanie McMahon. Oh, the irony.
Billy and Chuck, The Straights, looking more gay than ever, put Sleazy E up in the Road Warriors old Doomsday Device and drive him to the mat. The Fat Boys hit the ring too late and the Straights beat them up too. Stephanie screeches in joy at ringside.
Bischoff after the break challenges Steph to pit the Straights against Rosie and Jamal at Unforgiven with the stipulation that if Billy and Chuck win he'll kiss Steph's "little ass" (Say what?) but if the Fat Boys win she has to perform some HLA.
Finally, a reason to order the pay per view....
RVD jumps Triple H before his main event match against Whozits. Agents Dave Finlay and Johnny Ace help the refs drag off RVD, but the Game is hurt!!!
Whoever he's facing, it can't be good because they haven't even shown him and it's past 11pm EST.
Oh, Jeff Hardy gets the honor of bumping around for The Game, who's now bleeding. Hardy gets the early offense. Jeff Hardy sucks.
Lawler puts it another way. "Jeff Hardy has shot his wad," he pants.
After some sloppy work Hardy gets a 2 and 3/4 fall on The Game, which gets a lot of heat. Hardy then hits a sloppy Twist of Fate and a Swanton Bomb for another near fall.
Then Triple H wins clean in the middle with a sleeper. You can't make this stuff up. Hope he remembers to wake Hardy up with a karate chop to the back or he could die.
That loser RVD hits the frog Splash on Triple H as the show ends.
Bruce Mitchell has been a Torch columnist since September 1990. His feature-length columns are published in the Torch Newsletter about once per month. His shorter Takes are published about two times per week on PWTorch.com. He thrives on your feedback!
Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
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