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Mojo Mitchell’s Season Premiere Smackdown Stream of Bad Matches This Week, Bad Matches Next Week ...
Sep 21, 2007 - 10:26:13 PM |
By Bruce Mitchell, Torch columnist
Email me at bmitchell51@triad.rr.com
Don’t do it, Teddy, you’ll be sorry…
Maria is the host of this special wedding edition of Smackdown. Raw GM Teddy Long is marrying Kristal Marshall. She’s with the Ying Yang twins, who camp it up for the caneras. Hey, there’s Vince McMahon and Jonathan Coachman. They say his “son” is not here tonight. I bet. The Ying Yang Twins are the kings of country, Coach says, since WWE were in Nashville Monday. Well, that’s a stretch.
Apparently the Ying Yang twins aren’t the Kings of Country, so Coach looks really foolish.
I guess.
Triple H, The King of Kings, steps in and pedigrees them both.
Michael Cole finally mentions that Batista won the world heavyweight championship last Sunday night. The Animal is out for a promo. He sounds excited for the first two sentences of his promo, then he recites his lines about how he loves his brother Rey Mysterio and he’ll be World Heavyweight Champion someday, he knows it in his heart.
Yeah, sure.
He then announces that the Great Khali has activated the return title match clause stipulation in his contract, (makes sense) and will have a Punjabi Prison Match for the championship at the next pay per view. (Why does the loser set the stips?) He looks and sounds about as excited at having to try and fail to pull this off as tired fans are at the prospect of watching these two stiffs lumber around a wrestling ring together again.
Mark Henry, the black man who is marketed on national television as a gorilla, interrupts. He says he doesn’t care about Batista title win because he’s going to end Undertaker’s career in a match on TV next week.
Ugh. Do WWE even watch their own matches? The Great Khali has had a bunch of terrible matches already against Batista. The Undertaker match with Mark Henry at Unforgivable last Sunday was so bad Undertaker was visibly depressed as the show went off the air.
Mark Henry then challenges Batista to match. Geez, remember those pieces of crap? One of Batista’s biceps once tore from his arm in abject embarrassment from being associated with one f the matches.
Maria is having a party with the Twins. Jeff Hardy, the IC champs appears. One twin tries on his belt. Hardy just keeps nodding his head, then everyone dances.
Jimmy Wayne Yang faces Jamie Noble. JBL says Yang is the illegitimate son of Michael Hayes and Genichiro Tenyru. Too bad he’s got the promo ability of Tenyru and the toughness of ol’ P.S., instead of the other way around. Pretty good WWE Slow Cruiserweight Style TM match until Shannon Moore sneaks up to ringside with a green hat to frustrate agent/good soldier Noble. Yang wins after that.
MVP has a football in his hand when Matt Hardy comes from behind. It takes two shots for MVP to get it through the tire hanging in the hall. Hardy goes two for two then MVP steps in to intercept the ball. There’s the obligatory Belichick cheating reference then they bicker over who is the better athlete.
I think, deep down, they like each other.
MVP & Matt Hardy face Deuce & Domino in yet another Bad Match Rerun. D & D’s gimmick is ridiculously out of date. Anyone who dressed like these guys back in the fifties is closing in on their seventies these days. Happy Days, the seventies nostalgia show about the fifties, isn’t even in syndication or on cable anywhere. I guess this gimmick is big for those of you who enjoy PBS telethons.
MVP and Hardy are having minor problems getting along in the ring.
To be fair, Deuce & Domino make up for their lousy gimmick with their lousy ringwork. Deuce pins Hardy for the non-tile win. The champs argue over who is to blame for the loss.
Yes, that means yet another bad MVP & Hardy vs. Deuce & Domino match. Whoopee.
Hey, a celebrity I’ve actually heard of, comedian Bruce Bruce. is Teddy Long’s preacher, Long apparently has no white friends. Doom teammates Butch Reed and Ron Simmons are reunited here with their old manager Theodore “Peanut-head” Long. Wonder if JBL will mention that Reed was Ron Simmon’s best ever tag partner?
Reed wants to know how hot Kristal is “between the sheets”. Long objects to the question being asked in front of his grandson (I hate kids on wrestling shows) then reveals he hasn’t consummated the marriage yet, but he’s says tonight he’s going to make Kristal holler, holler, holler…
Cole interviews poor Rey Mysterio, who got a big vote of no-confidence when WWE Creative split his planned spot against The Great Khali at Unforgivable with Batista then gave the big guys his planned title win too.
Concussion chairshot highlights of Chavo Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio air. They’re tone deaf.
JBL objects to Cole’s softball questioning of Rey Mysterio and gets in the ring to borderline.
Rey reminds JBL he lost his retirement match against him. “You wanna fight? I’ll fight.”
JBL takes his coat off. I’ve been waiting on this for a year and a half. Because of his contract as an announcer he’s not allowed to beat up the Superstars. He sends out Finlay to fight Rey Mysterio instead.
Finlay grabs the mic, starts to speak, then clonks Mysterio in the head with it. Mysterio is knocked out. Isn’t that a concussion?
Little Rey, punked out again. Welcome back to the mid-card, guy.
Carlito is here for the big wedding. Chuck Palumbo is too.
Triple H, The King of Kings, steps in and pedigrees them both.
The Scores Girls play volleyball with their clothes on.
Some four part harmony for the blushing bride and her maids. It’s good. I thought there was a rule against music that’s not either power ballads or fake hip-hop on WWE tTV.
New Champion Batista faces Mark Henry, the black man who is marketed on national television as a gorilla. I wonder what else is on. Isn’t that Jonny Fairplay Rides A Cow Show on CMT Friday nights? Oh, hell, it’s over, he won. Las Vegas? Never watched it. 20/20? Where’s Stone Phillips?
Oh, alright. I am, after all, a professional. The match is a series of rudimentary moves, done slowly and poorly. Even The Great Khali thinks this match sucks so he comes out to throw some Baba Chops and the world’s lowest high kick to knock down Batista for a cheapie DQ. The double claw, a clothesline from Henry and Batista is “lights out.” Isn’t that a concussion? Batista gets no save from Little Rey. Oh yeah, he can’t. He’s back in the mid-card.
The WWE roster heads to the ring for the wedding, at least the Smackdown roster, the 5 or 6 strong ECW roster, the agents – Pat Patterson & Jerry Brisco have their trademark shit-eating grins, some of the Raw mid- card, and the already tiresome McMahon Midget.
There’s brief scuffle toward the back of the line when Triple H, The King of Kings, steps in and pedigrees C.M Punk and the one guy left from the Spirit Squad.
Geez, I don’t even like watching real weddings.
Here come the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Yep, JBL says Doom was the second greatest tag team next tto the APA. I guess he never saw their matches with Arn Anderson & Barry Windham.
Jagged Edge sings “I Just Want To Get Married” live. It’s too good for WWE. I actually heard that one at the wedding I attended last month.
Jillian Hall threatens to sing and is dragged off by Victoria.
Hornswoggle slaps Coach on the head. In a miracle of modern technology the crowd chants his name.
The Godfather with his white fur coat arrives mid ceremony with some Hos. Kristal’s mom is pissed.
“Hey, Ho Train, that’s my wedding.”
Long won’t ride the Ho Train. Ron Simmons wants to but everyone objects. Damn.
All the guys leave for the Ho Train, because, you know, better a ho than a wife.
Teddy says his vows. Kristal says her but Hornswoggle runs under her wedding train. Coach and Vince chase him way. In a miracle of modern technology no one chants “We want wrestling!”
When Rev Bruce Bruce says the Until Death Do You Part to Teddy he keels over dead. Kristal screeches “Noooooo” as the show goes off the air.
Next week, Michael Cole says, is a two hour tribute to the late Smackdown General Manager Theodore Long.
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