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Mojo Mitchell's Two Ton Stream of Fired Up Country Boy Can Survive, Ah'd Lahk To Say Hello To All The Perty Georgia Peaches Out There...

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We start with the Chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment, Mr. McMahon. He enters a ring already occupied by Tony Russo, Ric Ferrera, and George "Two Ton" Harris. Mr. McMahon starts ranting about his match with Triple H tonight. He guarantees - he guaran-damn-tees - at the end of the night the ring announcer will say "the winner of the match, Mr. McMahon."

A Mr. McMahon highlight video rips off Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir."

Badly.

Mr. McMahon claims Tony Russo is a four year Lehigh University All American wrestler, that Ferrrera is a fifth degree kempo karate master, and ol' Two Ton is a Sumo Master. Mr. McMahon begins to face off against all three, then calls in the man who'll face Triple H at the No Mercy pay-per-view this Sunday.

Umaga quickly disposes of Russo and Ferrrera, but George ‘Two Ton" Harris grabs the Samoan Submission Machine in a headlock.

"I got him now!"

Harris works and works the headlock until Umaga drops. "Shut up!" One Two Ton splash later and Triple H has a new opponent Sunday night.

Okay, not really.

Jeff Hardy & Brian Kendrick & Paul London face Shelton Benjamin & Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler speculate on why the Highlanders suck, I mean, turned on Kendrick & London. Hardy goes for the Swanton, but Benjamin crotches him from behind. London catches him with a reverse somersault dive. Hardy then hits his Swanton against Cade for the pin. Decent TV match and one pretty tag team...

William Regal tells someone on the phone he's off the pills, no, really, he's clean.

Mr. McMahon welcomes Regal back as Raw General Manager, saying his assistant Jonathan Coachman is ill this week. He wants Regal to look after his son, Hornswoggle. You knew that was coming since no one can make better disgusted faces that Sir William.

Ross interviews Randy Orton, who is supposedly in Chicago. Either Orton got more than a week's honeymoon from a newly compassionate WWE Creative committee, he's going to show up tonight in a swerve to get Cena, or something else is going.

Orton is a fluent reader, he doesn't miss words, and he puts all the emphasis on the right syllables and punctuations as he smoothly reads from the teleprompter. In my professional opinion, he is on grade level.

Scores Girl Eve used to be a gymnast.

The Highlanders tell Regal they turned down the match he suggested with Kendrick & London because "it would suck." Regal thanks them for their foresight and continues on to look for Hornswoggle.

A very respectable commercial airs, plugging Lillian Garcia's new album. She's talented. I hope this things sells and she gets the hell out of here.

Cody Runnels has challenged Hardcore Holly again after he got beat by him last week. This is how young Tommy Rich got over in Georgia back in the '70s. First week on TV, Rich faces the monster Abdullah the Butcher and gets squashed flat. The next week he tries again and gets beat, only this week after he reaches out and grabs him by leg. Abdullah shakes him off. The next week he gets beat again but pulls himself up by the rope. The crowd starts to respect the plucky youngster. He makes a speech that Abdullah may beat his brains out, but "by Gawd his Mamma and Daddy didn't raise a quitter!" The next night at the Omni, Tommy Rich gets "Farred up!" and runs Abby out of the ring. He's the People's Champ from then on...

Hardcore beats Rhodes flat again. Rhodes grabs the rope with determination as Holly looks on in disgust. This ought to work like a charm, except Holly is nowhere near the killer "the Madman from the Sudan" was, no one cares about underdogs in today's society, and Jerry Lawler openly mocked Rhodes's effort. Beside from that, it's great.

Beth Phoenix comes out and demands that Lillian Garcia, who has a an album coming out next week, introduces her as the new Women's Champion before her match Sunday for the title. Garcia does it, then adds "If..." Phoenix threatens to rip her throat out and starts strangling her, and the WWE's most serious champion, Candice Michelle, makes the save.

Mr. McMahon airs highlights of Triple H crushing Umaga's skulls, presumably to get Umaga "farred up" for his run-in in their match.

Mr. McMahon faces Triple H. McMahon cuts "Triple H's showboating crap" off. He calls for a referee. Carlito come out to do the job (one way or another). Oh god, not more Stone Cold. Several dozen fans chant "Triple H."

McMahon slaps Triple H, who looks depressed.

The stalling begins.

The ref backcracks Triple H, who gets up, slugs him, then beats up Mr. McMahon. Carlito calls for the DQ, so the McMahon's guarantee stands, even if I wouldn't exactly say Triple H put his father-in-law over two weeks in a row.

Umaga runs down and attacks Triple H but the Game makes a comeback. Umaga makes his own comeback and beats up Triple H, butting him in the face and knocking him out of the ring.

Carlito accidentally got in the way so Umaga runs him off. That gives Triple H time to pull out his magic sledgehammer. The Game is "farred up" so Umaga understandably backs off, seeing as how that hammer crushed his skull 26 days ago and all.

I wouldn't exactly say Triple H put his pay-per-view opponent over, either.

Marella at the Movies is next. He bitches about "The Condemmed" again. Maria likes the movie. You'd think the crowd would realize sooner or later that Steve Austin will show up to get this guy. Instead, they look bored.

Hey, didn't Dewayne Johnson, star of the weekend's number one box office hit "Game Plan," once work in WWE?

Well, a bald-headed veteran does comes out. Too bad it's Val Venis. He leers at Maria and offers her a part in his sequel to "Mr. Woodcock." ("Woodcock", get it? Yawn.)

Marella cheap-shots Val's knee. For those of you on the fence as to whether or not you should buy the No Mercy pay-per-view, that means Santino now faces Val Venis on the show.

John Cena gives a speech about how "they" are saying they've Cena 'Nuff (funny, I think I herd that one twenty years ago...) and it's now Randy Orton's time. This serious part of this promo is pretty good.

Melina faces Mickie James. Hornswoggle scares her at ringside and Melina gets pinned. She runs under the ring and Hornswoggle pulls her panties and top off. She screams from under the ring at him to give them back but he runs away up the ramp.

Either Melina is sleeping with someone so they're humiliating her or she's not sleeping with someone and they're humiliating her.

I wonder if Ross and Lawler explain how she gets from under to the ring to the back without her clothes when we get back from the break.

Steve O shows up to watch Reagal and Hornswoggle yell at each other. The crowd chants "Steve O." Ugh.

No Melina explanation.

Steve O runs into Ron Simmons and calls him "pretty badass," then offers to toughen him up. Simmons tosses O through the door. Yay!

John Cena is out for his first ever match with Mr. Kennedy. Maybe we'll get an idea how pissed they still are at Kennedy for making a fool of himself and the company and getting suspended, ruining the bastard son angle. Ross reminds everyone that Orton is in Chicago before the commercial break, which means he's running in for the Go Home beatdown.

It's Boys vs. Girls again and the chants are better than the match. Cena makes Kennedy mad, so they are still mad at him. In a shocking development, "Orton is here!" and he RKOs Cena, then lays him out and clonks him between the eyes with the steel steps. He then puts Cena on the announce table and RKOs him on it. Thee table doesn't collapse but Jim Ross "Good God Almighty's it anyway.

Orton then grabs a mic and counts to ten, counting Cena out. He stares at him. Ross sells the Last Man Standing stipulations of their No Mercy match.

Ron Simmons asks Steve O, who is back, "Don't you have somewhere to go?" then throws him through the door again. He doesn't even say "Damn."

Score 5.0

This was a nothing-special go home show for No Mercy. They cut down on the Hornswoggle silliness but kept the Stone Cold Triple H stuff. The stunt bumps that were supposed to propel the John Cena/Randy Orton match didn't quite come off. I still want to know how Melina ggot from under the ring to the back without her clothes. Kind of interesting there was no mention of Dewayne Johnson's box office triumph this weekend...

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