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See that concussion piece on "60 Minutes" last night? Good thing WWE isn't the NFL, huh?
Chris Jericho has been named Team Captain of Smackdown for the big seven-on-seven match-up at the next pay-per-view Bragging Rights. Raw co-host Nancy O'Dell reminds him this is the DX show, so they go to the DX ring.
Who is Nancy O'Dell, you ask? She's the one who's not the one with the legs on "Entertainment Tonight" (does she still do that?). Triple H does the "Are You Ready?" Shawn Michaels stayed home. Triple H calls him on the phone.
No really.
(Please god, don't answer.)
He doesn't, but it's a skit. He finally picks up.
So if Shawn Michaels gets Monday off because his daughter's sick (the viruses going around this fall are no joke), does Jim Ross get Tuesday off for his family engagement?
Where's Tully Blanchard and J.J. Dillon to kick doting father Ole Anderson out of the Horsemen?
Where's Eric Bischoff to kick doting father Ric Flair out of WCW and then sue him?
JeriShow comes out. Triple H asks who's the pitcher and who's the catcher between the two, because he's obsessed with gay sex. Jericho and Big Show bicker (I'm rubber, you're glue while Triple H stands by thinking about gay sex. I'm standing by thinking about watching the football game.
Big Show's feelings are hurt, so he wants to be on Raw's team. Triple H says they don't have a spot, Show has to earn it by winning a qualifying match. His opponent is Chris Jericho. The match is now.
I watch this every day on the playground.
JeriShow shakes hands with itself. First they're friends, then they fight. What makes them work as a team, (they're opposites who complement each other), works against them in a match. Show wins by countout, so he's on Team Raw. Adjust your bets accordingly.
Maria Menounos interviews "Hey Look, It's Legacy!" Do they deserve to a part of Team Raw? (I have to say, I've seen more compelling issues.) Legacy have to wrestle and... John Cena... in a Triple Threat match. Instead of thinking they can double-team and beat up Cena, they make the Homer Simpson D'oh face.
Hey look, there's Tyler Hanstravel! Oops, a whistle blew and Tyler's off to the foul line.
Mickie James defends against Jillian Hall. It's a shocker (well, it would be if anyone cared) as James wins the Diva Championship in, like, a minute and a half. She sings Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" song until Nancy O'Dell comes out to stop her. O'Dell has made a major Divas trade and Hall has to defend right now against Raw's newest acquisition, Melina.
Hall pitches a star-fit before the match. They botch the first move, which is supposed to be the finish, then just do it again. Melina is your new champ.
Snoop Dog is up next week. Hope he's got twenty-five hundred bucks.
Triple H talks on the phone to Shawn Michaels and looks at a Michaels's life-size cardboard cutout.. Hornswoggle does an HBK imitation. Triple H accuses him of gimmick infringement. That was funny ten years ago. HS superkicks the HBK cut-out.
Santino Morella does his now-clichéd audition for the celebrities, then Beth Phoenix bullies our co-host. Morella somehow gets Maria Menounos to reluctantly agree to participate in a Divas match on the other side of Phoenix.
I need a new hobby.
Ted DiBiase faces Cody Rhodes faces John Cena. I'm John Cena, I'm tanking this since I've got a sixty-minute Iron Man match for the World Title the same night, and you get nothing for winning this Bragging Rights 14 man match thing.
Speaking of gimmick infringement, I like how they trick little kids who think they're buying Jeff Hardy arm stockings into buying the green John Cena ones.
Cena is a fat-head so Rhodes and DiBiase beat him up. Hey, Legacy does the double dropkick, and it's better than Ricky and Robert's (which isn't saying much). I think that's the first time in wrestling history that heels ever used that move. Nobody much buys that either Legacy member could pin Cena.
Cena is about to make DiBiase tap when Randy Orton distracts him. Rhodes pins DiBiase to get the slot on the Raw team, and save Cena some trouble.
Nancy O'Dell takes advantage of the discord in Legacy by booking a Legacy versus John Cena & (wait for it) Randy Orton match.
This could tear Legacy apart!
Or they could just all three beat the ever-loving hell out of John Cena, like they just did three weeks ago.
Jack Swagger puts his one-week winning streak up against MVP for a spot on Team Raw. Jerry Lawler says Swagger is "deceptively big." Swagger wins, which I'd say means they're not going by star power in this one.
Legacy yells at itself. Orton says he won't tag himself in, leaving Legacy to tear into Cena again. You know, I watched John Fox give away his strategy on camera yesterday, too. Good thing his team was playing the Redskins.
Kofi Kingston faces Evan Bourne for this tiresome team thing. Kingston wins.
Triple H helps train Maria, who kicks a whining Chavo. There's more to it than that, but it doesn't deserve typing.
Maria teams with Kelly Kelly & Gail (Pop! Ouch!) Kim against Alicia Fox & Beth Phoenix & Rios.
Miz announces he's putting the U.S. belt up versus his former partner John Morrison's I.C. belt. The crowd seems underwhelmed at this announcement.
Randy Orton says next week John Cena "will compete in one of the biggest matches of his career." Please God, don't let it be yet another match with Big Show.
Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase face John Cena & Randy Orton. I honestly can't remember a match with this type of star power starting with this little heat.
Cena tricks Orton into tagging in against his pals. Rhodes tries to pin Orton. So does Ted DiBiase. Everyone chuckles. Well, Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler do. Orton tags in Cena.
Cena is about to pin Rhodes when his partner Orton attacks him. Shock follows shock, though, when DiBiase pins a distracted Randy Orton from behind. Does this mean DiBiase gets the title shot against Orton at Bragging Rights instead of John Cena, since he did something Cena couldn't do last month, pin Randy Orton? Could he be added to match to make it the first ever Three-Way Iron Man Match?
Good thing wins and losses don't count, huh?
Shock actually does follow shock when John Cena's (Sure It Is) Potential Final Opponent on Raw next week is revealed to be the fading Triple H. Wonder if that will bump the ratings?
Score 3.0: Look, you don't book one tag team dissension angle, then book the exact same thing in the second hour. You also don't book a new gimmick without explaining why it's important, or even giving it a reason to be important. Why not just let them all split a million dollars? Hell, Vince gave that away to some no-account fans once. "Raw" isn't a team, it's barely a brand. No one much bragged about their team affiliation before, so why should they (or we) care now? Triple H was so laid back without Shawn Michaels there he was just about asleep. Nancy O'Dell seems like too nice a person to be hanging around with this lot.
I like this "John Cena wrestles every hour on the hour" stuff, though. How about just have him wrestle in every match on every show? How sophisticated is that? Hell, Bruce Springsteen & E Street go three hours straight, why not Cena? Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
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