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MCNEILL'S TAKE
Dark Horses: McNEILL Previews the 2012 WWE Royal Rumble pay-per-view!

Jan 29, 2012 - 6:00:13 PM
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By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of The Cerebral C.O.O., Stephanie "Business Woman" Levesque and WWE President "Cranky" Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because anything can happen in WWE, except for wrestlers getting over. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Flavor Ice. Remember, this is only an exhibition. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE.

It's bad enough that World Wrestling Entertainment continues to call Sunday's show "the 25th Anniversary of the Royal Rumble" instead of "the 25th Royal Rumble." (Yes, it's a big deal. Of all the things WWE lies about, this is a lie that doesn't help them in the least. Therefore, folks just assume WWE doesn't know how to count.) What's worse is that the promotion hasn't bothered to tell us which wrestlers will actually be in the thirty man Royal Rumble match. What does that mean? It's mean that not only do I have to project the booking of the Royal Rumble, I have to decide who's going to be IN the Rumble? While they're at it, why not fly me out to St. Louis so I can set up the ring for them?

Alright, enough whining. Let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson. We'll take you back to twenty years ago, for the fourth anniversary of the Royal Rumble. On January 19, 1992, the World Wrestling Federation held that year's Royal Rumble in Albany, New York. In the opening match, the world was watching as Mr. Fuji's Orient Express battled the New Foundation duo of Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart and the late Owen Hart.



If you're upset with the lack of Divas action at the Royal Rumble, check out this match from yesterday's episode of WWE Superstars, as Divas champion Beth Phoenix took on former champ Brie Bella.



What was Mick Foley doing fifteen years ago today? He was wrestling in the main event of Monday Night Raw, of course. Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler have the call. If you're feeling adventurous, watch this match and see if you can spot some of the reasons Raw was getting crushed in the Monday night wrestling war in early 1997.



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Booker T. Huffman should be announcing this show with the greatest of ease. On with the projections!

We might see some sort on in-ring segment involving William Regal, Brodus Clay and the Brodus Clay Dancers.

John Cena vs. Kane: Zach Ryder's broken back has been downgraded to a herniated disc. Tune in to Raw on Monday, where Michael Cole will further downgrade Ryder's injury to "anal bleeding." John Cena's facial expressions are great for playing to the back of the arena, but on Monday night, they were a bit too campy for the worldwide television audience. Projection? Cena takes a hellacious beating from the Big Red Monster, but survives and manages to pin Kane after hitting an Attitude Adjustment.

C.M. Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler (WWE Title Match - John Laurinaitis is your Special Guest Referee): Okay, so John Laurinaitis, Executive Vice President of Yadda Yadda Yadda, announced his plan to cheat C.M. Punk out of the WWE title. Now it turns out that Triple H is showing up on Raw to give John Laurinaitis his job evaluation. This makes Laurinaitis afraid to help Mr. Ziggles win the title. The idea of WWE building an episode of its flagship show around the on-air performance review of an authority figure sounds like the dumbest idea ever, which means it's definitely going to happen this Monday. Projection? You know what this match needs? A complicated finish. Johnny GM gets bumped. David Otunga comes down to ringside to try and revive his boss. Punk tries to kick Otunga in the head, but Otunga ducks and Punk kicks Laurinaitis instead. Referee Mike Chioda, who saw the whole thing, disqualifies Punk and awards the match to Ziggler.

Wait, there's more. Punk is taking a postmatch beating from Otunga, Ziggler & Swagger when Chris Jericho runs to the ring. The bad guys clear out and...Jericho hits Punk with the Codebreaker, then locks in the Walls of Jericho. Yes, Jericho is Laurinaitis's text buddy, and a favorite to become the new Corporate WWE Champion.

Daniel Bryan vs. Mark Henry vs. Big Show (Cage Match - Smackdown World Title): Somehow, this three way feud over the World Heavyweight Title hasn't done much to elevate any of these three gentlemen. So why start now? Projection? Daniel Bryan escapes the cage while Show and Big Mizark are beating the crap out of each other, and Bryan keeps the championship.

30 Man Royal Rumble Match: Here's my list of wrestlers in the Rumble this year: Mike Mizanin, Sheamus, Wade Barrett, Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, Jack Swagger, Chris Jericho, Primo, Epico, John Cena, R-Truth, The Big Show, Santino Marella, Hunico, Kofi Kingston, Mick Foley, Mason Ryan, Mark Henry, Hornswoggle, Christian, Goldust, Jinder Mahal, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel, Tyson Kidd, Drew McIntyre, Yoshi Tatsu, Alex Riley, Road Dogg, and the return of Montel Vontavious Porter. Did I get everybody? Good.

Projection? Order of Entry: 1- The Miz, 2- Mick Foley, 3- Heath Slater, 4- Primo, 5- Mason Ryan, 6- John Cena, 7- Yoshi Tatsu, 8- Epico, 9- Justin Gabriel, 10- Big Show, 11- Tyson Kidd, 12- Alex Riley, 13- Mark Henry, 14- Chris Jericho, 15- Santino, 16- Cody Rhodes, 17- Goldust, 18- Sheamus, 19- Jinder Mahal, 20- Hunico, 21- Hornswoggle, 22- Road Dogg, 23- Randy Orton, 24- Christian, 25- Kofi Kingston, 26- MVP, 27- Jack Swagger, 28- R-Truth, 29- Drew McIntyre, 30- Wade Barrett.

The match is simple. Foley gets his big pop, and Miz tosses him after a few minutes. Cena comes in at number six, and does his Superman style destruction of four or five guys before Kane emerges from under the ring and ambushes Cena, giving Cena the Tombstone on the steel steps. As security tries to remove Kane and Cena does his stretcher job, we go to Big Show, who runs into Mark Henry at thirteen. Jericho and David Otunga come out and help Show and Henry eliminate each other. The big men fight to the back. Then C.M. Punk runs in, knocks out Otunga and eliminates Jericho. Cody gets to eliminate Goldust. Sheamus goes on a tear, and Hornswoggle does some comedy before tossed. Your final four are Cody, Sheamus, Orton and Barrett. Barrett dumps Sheamus, Cody eliminates Orton, we get a few minutes of Orton vs. Barrett, and Randy finishes Barrett off to win the Rumble in his hometown.

Aftermath: We're set for Cena vs. Rock, Punk vs. Jericho, Triple H vs. Undertaker, and Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton. The devil is in the details.
***

Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He'd like to congratulate London Fletcher on being chosen for this year's NFL Pro Bowl game.


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