By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Our own Pat McNeill is liveblogging from scenic, beautiful, West Richmond, Virginia...

I'm at home tonight, under protest. I'll tell you about it later. The Royal Rumble Is On The Air!

We kick things off with Daniel Bryan vs. Big Show vs. Mark Henry for the Smackdown title inside a steel cage. Makes sense, since it's quicker to take a cage down than it is to put the cage up. Most of the crowd boos Daniel Bryan. At least some people get this.

Feel free to follow tonight's commentary on Twitter by using the hashtag #DieInAFireMichaelCole.

So far, this match is all Daniel Bryan. By which I mean, it's all Daniel Bryan getting the crap kicked out of him.

(Here's the story. Went to the bar, and they decided not to show the Rumble so they could show the NFL Pro Bowl. Nobody watches the Pro Bowl. The players in the Pro Bowl are barely watching the Pro Bowl. Went to the next bar, which IS showing the Rumble, and there's nowhere to park and nowhere to set. So I went home. It's not like I needed that $55 or anything.)

Where was I? Oh, yeah. For a moment, it looked like we were going to repeat the finish from the Danielson-Samoa Joe cage match from Ring of Honor some years back. Oh, wait, they DID rip off that finish. Bryan got over the top of the cage, Show was trying to pull Bryan back over, and Show dropped him. Daniel Bryan is still the champ! Well, that was...quick.

Sheamus stars in a commercial for WWE Elimination Chamber. As far as I know, the show isn't taking place in Ireland. The show IS taking place in three weeks. Oh, boy.

Michael Cole tells us that Rock vs. Cena is the biggest match in the history of sports entertainment. In case you're wondering, the biggest match in pro wrestling history was Jack Brisco vs. Dory Funk Jr. on October 11th, 1975. Ask Bruce Mitchell about it tomorrow night.

Next up is a video package telling us what a big star John Cena is. The video package was very well done, and it's not going to change anyone's mind.

Our second match is an eight-woman tag team battle as Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox, Eve Torrez & Tamina Snuka face Beth Phoenix, Natalya Neidhart & The Bella Twins. Let's hope this match lasts long enough for me to go to the refrigerator and grab some more iced tea.

Michael Cole informs us that Eve's standing moonsault is called "The Booty Pop." You're welcome, America. We have a brawl outside the ring, staged so Kelly could dive from the top turnbuckle onto the other seven divas. Beth is impatient with the Bellas, tags in and massacres Kelly for the win. Fantastic.

Up next, Cole throws to a recap of the past couple of weeks between Zack Ryder and Kane. I'd call it a snuff film, but snuff films have better acting. At least, that's what I hear.

Backstage, John Laurinaitis is setting the wheelchair-bound Zack Ryder up to watch the Rumble backstage in a private room with a catered dinner. Eve shows up to remind Laurinaitis that he's getting fired tomorrow night. John pretends his feelings are hurt.

John Cena vs. Kane is starting now. Cena comes to the ring, while Cole informs us that John Cena has more Twitter followers than Mitt Romney, Joe Paterno and Casey Anthony. I may be paraphrasing here. Kane comes down to the ring. Are we actually going to have a wrestling match?

The match starts and Kane is winning. Let's go, Ce-na. Ce-na sucks. Jerry Lawler wonders aloud why Kane would even care whether Cena embraces the hate. That's a great question.

The match continues. Kane tries to smother Cena, but Kane forgot to bring a pillow to the ring with him, and Cena almost counters into the STF. Kane's going up top. Oh, dear. Top rope clothesline. Kane wants the chokeslam. Cena escapes.

And they're fighting into the crowd. And they're backstage. Kane has a chair. Chair to the back of Cena. Second chair to the back of Cena. And...Kane breaks into Zack Ryder's private room to beat Zack up some more. Kane knocks Ryder out and wheels Zack to the ring. No one tries to stop Kane, of course. No, wait! There's Eve Torrez, begging for Zack's life.

Doesn't work. Kane Tombstones Zack. Cena runs in to make the save, and Kane beats him up too. Kane's the biggest babyface in WWE history, unless you're female or under the age of fifteen.

By the way, the match ended in a double countout. Zack gets wheeled on a stretcher. The crowd is so concerned that they're chanting "Cena sucks!" We immediately go to a Be A Star anti-bullying ad, where Cena tells us that he used to be made fun of for the way he dressed and the way he looked. I can't make this stuff up.

Next is a video package for Rock, designed to show that The Rock is cooler than anyone wrestling tonight. It was working until The Rock talked about how he was trending on Twitter.

The bell rings for the next match, and Drew McIntyre makes his entrance. I defecate you not. They show us Ricardo Rodriguez doing commentary with the Spanish announce team. Drew's opponent? Brodus Clay. Awesome.

Well, that was quick. Guess who won? Guess who lost? Drew, you're fired. See you Friday.

Rey Mysterio wants you to eat a Slim Jim for the Troops. We then get an ad for tomorrow night's Raw. Sure, this show has a thirty man Royal Rumble, but tomorrow night's show has a live employee evaluation!

Punk vs. Ziggler is next. We get our prematch video package. John Laurinaitis, John Laurinaitis, John Laurinaitis.

The World Wrestling Entertainment title is on the line, and John Laurinaitis comes to ringside as your special guest party pooper. John takes the mic and tells us that he's changed his mind, and will now be the special enforcer at ringside.

The referee remembers that Vickie Guerrero isn't supposed to be at ringside, so she gets taken to the back. The match is on. This C.M. Punk guy seems to be pretty popular. The rest of this show needs to be something special after what we've had so far.

This is turning into a good match, and I have no talking points that cover this situation. Booker and Lawler both seem engaged here, and the crowd is really rooting for the champ. Punk gets a couple of convincing near falls, including one off the Randy Savage elbow.

And there's our ref bump. Punk locks the Anaconda Vice on Ziggler, and Laurinaitis misses it because he's checking on the referee. Punk calls out Johnny, but Lauriniaitis tries to get the first referee into the ring. Then Punk swings Ziggler up for the GTS and accidentally hits Laurinaitis. Laurinaitis thinks Punk did it on purpose, and won't make the count.

After some more near falls, Punk hits the GTS on Ziggler again. Laurinaitis comes into the ring and counts three next to the original ref. Punk keeps the title.

We get another ad for WrestleMania. WWE's new sponsored YouTube channel debuts on Wednesday. Santino gets his own online show. Time for the Royal Rumble match, and the same "it's all about the numbers" video package we get every year.

I'm going to make a prediction. The Miz is going to draw Number 1. I'm going to make another prediction. I don't think Zack Ryder's winning the Rumble this year.

The match is starting. New wrestlers will enter at ninety second intervals. And yes, The Miz is out at #1. He has the microphone, and he promises to win anyway, because he's awesome or something. Alex Riley is back from the side of the milk cartons, and is in at #2.

There's the bell. There's some punches. There's a clothesline. Boot from Riley. And there goes Riley. Who's next?

R-Truth is in at Number 3. Well, that will be a little more difficult. R-Truth almost eliminates Miz once, twice. And Cody Rhodes is out at #4. Sorry, Cody. Cody beats up R-Truth , and invites Miz to join in. Cody kicks Truth in the junk. Booker thinks Cody is going to betray Miz.

The Miz hits his Lethal Combination on R-Truth. Justin Gabriel is in at #5, with a crossbody from the top rope onto both heels. Justin's going a mile a minute until Cody cuts him off. Cody and Justin trade chops in a corner, and we're about to get the next entrant. #6 is Primo.

Miz eliminates R-Truth. Truth pulls Miz out under the bottom rope and gives him the Lie Detector. The roly-poly Mick Foley is Number 7, and gets a Hegstrand-like pop from the crowd. And Mick Foley eliminates Primo. How about that? Mick works over Cody in the corner and hits the Kobashi DDT.

Number 8 is Alberto Del Rio. Or is it? It's Ricardo Rodriguez making an entrance in and old Datsun 280-Z. That's wonderful. Ricardo and Mick actually form a partnership, and team up to eliminate Justin Gabriel. There are chants for Ricardo. Santino Marella is Number 9, and starts in on Double R.

Santino gives Ricardo a wedgie. Cole says "I know how that feels." Santino eliminates Ricardo. Santino and Mick face off. Socko vs. Cobra. It's interrupted by Epico entering at Number 10. Mick tosses Epico out, and Santino and Mick tease another standoff before Miz and Cody break it up. Cody eliminates Santino, and then eliminates Foley.

Kofi Kingston is Number 11. Cole explains to Booker that Kofi really isn't a Jamaican. Double boom drop. Miz is almost eliminated, but does his best Shawn Michaels impression. Number 12 is Jerry Lawler. Surprise!

Lawler gets to drop the strap and hit a second rope elbow before Cody eliminates Lawler. Number 13 is Ezekiel Jackson. Slam, slam, slam, slam. Spinning side slam on Kofi. Booker thinks Zeke is wasting his time by not eliminating anyone. Number 14 is Tiger Ali Jinder Mahal. Lawler delivers a one-liner Jay Leno would be ashamed of.

The crowd chants USA at Jinder. We have five wrestlers in, and Great Khali is out at Number 15. He looks...ambulatory. And Khali is coming after Jinder...very...slowly. Chop, chop, Khali eliminates Jinder. Chop and Khali eliminates Ezekiel Jackson. Number 16 is up, and it's Hunico!

The pace has slowed appreciably, thanks to Khali, and Number 17 is Booker T! Outstanding. Cole is having a fit. The crowd loves it. The crowd chants for Booker. Miz almost eliminates Kofi, but Kofi does a handstand(!) and gets over to the steps to save himself. That was almost worth the purchase price. Dolph Ziggler is Number 18.

Everybody grabs a corner and nothing happens. Number 19 is Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Well, there you go. Duggan stands there and the heels attack him, black ninja style. The crowd loves him. And Cody eliminates Duggan. Oh, well. Cody and Dolph team up to eliminate Booker, and then Khali!

Michael Cole is Number 20. I should quit now. Cole stops to put his headgear on. Cole then points to the WrestleMania sign. Number 21 is...Kharma! This could be good. Cole is panicking. Kharma runs Cole over like a freight train. Cole tries to escape over the top rope. Booker and Lawler pull Cole off the apron and eliminate Cole. Kharma eliminates Hunico, but Dolph eliminates Kharma.

Sheamus is Number 22. Booker picks Sheamus to win. Sheamus starts backdropping people. Sheamus throws out Kingston. Cole crows over lasting longer than Jerry Lawler. Miz and Cody are still in it, as is Dolph. Number 23 is Road Dogg. You'd better call somebody.

Road Dogg hits a boogie-woogie kneedrop and a pumphandle slam, which means he can be eliminated any second now. Jey Uso is Number 24. Jimmy Uso is wearing street clothes and walking with Jey. We have six wrestlers in. The crowd loves Road Dogg. Number 25 is Jack Swagger.

Swagger cleans house as everyone else grabs a corner. The anticipation builds as Wade Barrett and his new entrance comes out at Number 26. Barrett tosses out Road Dogg, and gets pretty good distance on the throw. Ziggler has Jey Uso in trouble. And Number 27 is...David Otunga.

The crowd is dead until Randy Orton enters at Number 28. You know who we haven't seen tonight? Chris Jericho. Just saying. Orton is on fire until Cody catches Orton from behind. Orton sets up Cody and Ziggler for the double hanging DDT, and hits it.

Orton eliminates Jey Uso, hits an RKO on Barrett, and eliminates Barrett. Number 29 is...Chris Jericho and his amazing technicolor dreamcoat. Jericho starts clearing the ring. Jericho tosses David Otunga over and out. Okay, you have to wonder who drew Number 30. Cody and Miz still look strong. Sheamus and Swagger are fighting in a corner. Number 30 is Big Show.

Show goes wild, eliminating Jack Swagger, then leaving the ring to knock Swagger out. Show eliminates The Miz. Show eliminates Cody Rhodes. Show eliminates Dolph Ziggler. Holy crap. Orton hits an RKO on Big Show, then somehow lifts Show up and over the top rope. Orton eliminates Big Show! Jericho eliminates Orton. It's Jericho and Sheamus left. The crowd is booing Jericho. Jericho does the Shawn Michaels trick whem he get tossed, one foot touches the ground, and he skins the cat back up. Then Jericho has to do it again. Then Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick to send Jericho to the floor. Sheamus wins the Royal Rumble. Wow. I did not see that coming. Booker T actually picked the winner.

There you have it. The last two matches were really good, but the finishes looked like they were thrown together at the last minute. Maybe tyhey were. But that's someone else's problem. Go listen to James Caldwell and Greg Parks on the post-show Livecast, and then the VIP's can hear the rest of us on the Roundtable. Good night!

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