By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of The Cerebral C.O.O., Stephanie "Triple Mom" Levesque and WWE President "Cranky" Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because anything can happen in WWE, except for wrestlers who debuted after the year 2000 getting over. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of JR's Original Bar-B-Q Sauce. This sweet, succulent sauce is great for grilling, on ribs, or even on burgers. Not approved as a floor wax or as a cure for male pattern baldness. Visit JRsbarbq.com for details. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for the part where Michael Cole is sent to FCW for re-education.

Many of you are anxious to discuss the last half-hour of Raw, where John Cena and Eve Torres broke poor Zack Ryder's heart by kissing in front of the Long Island Iced Z. The kiss capped off one of the dumbest segments on Raw in years. Most everyone thinks that Cena came off as the bad guy in that deal. Well, everyone except Batpoop Crazy WWE Booker Vince McMahon. ("No, women throw themselves at me like that all the time!") With any luck, Zack Ryder will return after WrestleMania to feud with John Cena, picking up the slack left when The Rock leaves.

The other big issue for the week is that WWE and/or DirecTV raised the price for bars to show WWE pay-per-views, and a couple of sports bar chains (including one here in central Virginia) have decided to stop hosting WWE Blast Areas. So if you were planning to catch the Elimination Chamber at your favorite watering hole Sunday night, you might want to call ahead. Thanks for ruining my gimmick, y'all.

Alright, enough whining. Let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson. We saw Shawn Michaels on WWE Raw a few days ago. Twenty years ago, before WWE Raw began, Shawn Michaels was still fine-tuning that Heartbreak Kid persona. On February 15, 1992, the World Wrestling Federation aired its weekly episode of its flagship show, WWF Superstars (taped 1/28/92 in Amarillo, Texas). Shawn Michaels had a new manager, and the world was watching as he battled Rudy Boy Gonzalez. Vince McMahon and the late Curt Hennig have the call.



If you're wondering what's happening with the WWE United States Title, check out this match from yesterday's episode of Superstars, as Jack Swagger (w/ Vickie Guerrero) takes on Mason Ryan in a non-title bout. Scott Stanford executes the worst pun ever before the match starts.



What was Bret Hart doing fifteen years ago today? He was wrestling in the main event of Monday Night Raw, of course. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler have the call as Bret Hart defends the WWF Heavyweight Title against former champion Sycho Sid on February 17, 1997 in Nashville, Tennessee. A couple of other wrestlers show up in this segment too.



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Booker T. Huffman should be announcing this show with the greatest of ease. On with the projections!

We'll probably get a fifth match added to this show. If I had to make a guess, I'd go with WWE Tag Team Champions Primo & Epico Colon (w/ Rosa Mendes) defeating the makeshift team of Tyson Kidd & Ted DiBiase.

Beth Phoenix vs. Tamina Snuka (WWE Divas Title Match): Beth has held the Divas Title for months now, and Ms. Snuka is the most formidable threat she's faced in a while. A lot depends on whether Kharma will be ready to take on Ms. Phoenix at WrestleMania. I'm guessing she will be. Projection? Tamina hits the Super Splash and captures the Divas title. There's enough time for Beth to win it back before April, and we're going to need at least one more happy ending tonight.

Daniel Bryan vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Wade Barrett vs. Big Show vs. The Great Khali vs. Santino Marella (Smackdown World Heavyweight Title - Elimination Chamber): One theory is that Santino will get knocked out before the match and replaced by someone else. There's a problem with that theory. Who does WWE have ready to replace Santino? Not so easy, is it? Projection? Daniel Bryan makes Santino tap with the LeBell Lock. Big Show pins Rhodes after hitting the WMD. Big Show pins Barrett after a chokeslam. Mark Henry breaks into the Chamber to come after Big Show. Daniel Bryan uses the distraction to choke out Big Show with one of the chains inside the Chamber, then pins Show (again). Henry beats up Khali before security hauls Henry out. Bryan pins the unconscious Khali for the victory, and keeps the Smackdown title.

C.M. Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. R-Truth vs. Mike Mizanin vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Chris Jericho (Elimination Chamber Match for the WWE Title): Do the other four wrestlers need to be there? Projection? Miz pins Kofi with the Skull Crushing Finale. Truth pins Miz (again) with the Lie Detector. Ziggler eliminates Truth with the Zig Zag. Punk beats Dolph with the Go To Sleep. Jericho surprises Punk with the Codebreaker and wins the WWE title (again.)

John Cena vs. Kane (Ambulance Match): No, really. This is the main event. The trick, though, is to find a finish that Cena fans can enjoy and Cena haters can loathe. Fortunately, there is such a finish. Projection? The two men brawl all over the building (naturally). Cena survives everything Kane can throw at him, then hits the Attitude Adjustment on Kane on the stage. Cena then duct tapes Kane to a handy nearby stretcher, enabling him to roll the Big Red Duct-Taped Monster into the ambulance for the victory. That seems very PG to me.

Aftermath: WrestleMania's on, with Rock vs. Cena, Triple H vs. Undertaker, Punk vs. Jericho, Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus, Shaq vs. Big Show, and maybe a few other items.
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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He's hoping Clemson can beat North Carolina in college basketball tomorrow.

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