By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA Wrestling pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Eric Bischoff, Brother Love, Dave "I Want Wrestling" Lagana or anybody else in Carter Country. No TNA employees have been harmed in the writing of this column. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Contestants not appearing on stage will receive a set of Foster Grant sunglasses with polarized mirror and gradient lenses. Isn't that you behind those Foster Grants? Any rebroadcast or other use of this column without the express written consent of Pro Wrestling Torch, Wade Keller or the National Football League is strictly prohibited. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had control over Total Nonstop Action.

There's been a lack of buzz going into Sunday's show. We're not sure why. Maybe it's because the ratings have dropped off slightly, and the annual NCAA College Basketball tournament won't help next week's ratings either. Maybe it's because TNA is already looking past "Victory Road" to next month's all-cage "Lockdown" event. Maybe it's because there's not a fresh main event match to be had anywhere on the current TNA roster. Maybe it's because the weekly episodes of Impact are less awful, and therefore less newsworthy, without the video store clerk writing them. But things are quiet.

So, before we talk about the matches, let's go on to this week's Wrestling History Lesson. Fifteen years ago, on March 16, 1997, World Championship Wrestling held its "Uncensored" pay-per-view in North Charleston, South Carolina. Before WWE had "Extreme Rules," WCW Uncensored was the show that featured nothing but stipulation matches. The big event kicked off with the late Eddie Guerrero defending the United States title against "The Shooter" Dean Malenko in a no-disqualification bout. For the call of the action, let's go to Tony Schiavone, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan and Dusty Rhodes.



Also, as a special bonus, here's the main event of this week's episode of TNA Xplosion, as Velvet Sky battles Angelina Love. And if you're a fan of old-fashioned awkwardness, check out who the announcers are.



Five years ago, at Destination X 2007, we had a slightly different main event. It was Christian Cage defending the NWA World Title against Samoa Joe.





On with the projections!

Robbie E's Open Challenge (TNA Television Title): Apparently this gimmick will last a little while longer. But who will be the sacrificial victim this month? Projection? Young Anthony Neese is the bottom man on the TNA roster totem pole, so let's give him the assignment. Rob Terry rams Neese into a ring post and Mr. E gets the victory.

Gail Kim vs. Madison Rayne (TNA Knockouts Title): Feuding heel tag team partners are battling over the Knockouts belt. I suppose that's fine, as long as it only happens once per show. Projection? Somehow, Earl Hebner is the referee for this match. And somehow, Gail gives Madison a boot to the head and pins Rayne to retain her title.

Austin Aries vs. Zema Ion (TNA X Division Title Match): Feuding heel tag team partners are battling over the X Division belt. I suppose that's fine, as long as it only happens...oh, wait. No, technically Aries is a babyface now. Sort of. Where was I? Projection? Aries with the brainbuster to hang on to the championship.

Samoa Joe & Magnus vs. Matt Morgan & Crimson (TNA World Tag Team Titles): TNA has stopped teasing that Crimson is going to turn on Matt Morgan, and has just slid the big stiffs into the heel role against Joe and Magnus. Be sure to check out Wade Keller interviewing Magnus on the PWTorch Livecast, if you haven't already. Projection? There's a miscommunication where Morgan accidentally catches Crimson with the Carbon Footprint, and Magnus pins Crimson. Why on earth would TNA switch the titles back now?

James Storm vs. Bully Ray: This will be a good match. We've seen it a dozen times, but it will still be a good match. Projection? Storm wins a long match after catching Bully with Closing Time for the victory.

A.J. Styles & Mr. Anderson vs. Christopher Daniels & Frankie Kazarian: Mr. Anderson is back, he looks interested, but I still have no idea what he's doing as A.J. Styles' tag team partner. Whatever blackmail material Christopher Daniels had on Frankie Kazarian is locked away in an alternate universe, presumable the one where Thomas Wayne is Owlman. Projection? Styles ends up pinning Kazarian with the Styles Clash, and TNA looks for a heel Ken Anderson hasn't feuded with before. He can always fight Bully Ray...nope, did that. Kurt Angle? Nope. Gunner?

Jeff Hardy vs. Kurt Angle: Jeff Hardy managed to pin the Olympic Hero on Impact a couple of weeks back. Angle failed to beat Garett Bischoff on Thursday. Somebody needs some credibility. Projection? Angle wins with a Greco-Roman shot to the doodads and beats the Painted Enigma.

Robert Roode vs. Joker Sting (No Disqualification): This is a non-title match, because someone figured out how silly it would look to have Sting win the title again. This is a no-disqualification match because the Stinger will need some extra gimmicks in his basket to make this watchable. Projection? Roode knocks out Sting with Sting's own baseball bat for the win. Storm chases off Roode after the match.

Aftermath: Next month is Lockdown 2012, and a whole bunch of cage matches. Let's go with Robert Roode defending the title against James Storm, since it's already been announced. You might be surprised to hear this, but I would not do Hulk Hogan & Garett Bischoff vs. Ric Flair & Eric Bischoff. The only thing worse than a bad cage match is a bad cage match that exposes three of your highest paid employees, and your no-talent...I mean, next rising star.

So let's have a Lethal Lockdown, with Hogan and Flair in the respective corners, and do Jeff Hardy, Ken Anderson, Abyss, Brother Devon & Garett Bischoff against Kurt Angle, Bully Ray, Gunner, Jeff Jarrett and Eric "Marinovich" Bischoff. It's easier to hide The Fabulous Bischoff Boys in a Lethal Lockdown than in the Tag Team Match For The Ages. It would be even easier to hide Garett Bischoff in the Davis Arena in Louisville, Kentucky, but this is TNA Wrestling, and logic has no place here.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He had Missouri winning the NCAA Basketball tournament. That's right, Missouri. He doesn't want to talk about it. Drop him a line at patmcneill@live.com

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