By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA Wrestling pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Eric Bischoff, Brother Love, Dave "I Want Wrestling" Lagana or anybody else in Carter Country. No TNA employees have been harmed in the writing of this column. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Contestants not appearing on stage will receive the Seel-A-Meal II from Dazey. Seel-A-Meel your cooking with airtight bags that go from freezer to hot water. No mess, no bother! Any republication or other use of this preview without the express written consent of Pro Wrestling Torch, Wade Keller or Major League Baseball is strictly prohibited. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had control over Total Nonstop Action.

Here's the story. This Sunday, TNA Lockdown is airing in select movie theaters in the United States. One of those select movie theaters is thirty minutes from the house. Obviously, I'm going to watch it on the (really) big screen. The last time TNA did a closed-circuit theater broadcast like this, it was at "Bound For Glory" six months ago. According to published reports, BFG drew 2,000 patrons in 120 theaters, for an average of 17 people per screen. That's almost as bad as "The Chaperone" did in its theatrical release. But I'll be there.

So, before we talk about the matches, let's go on to this week's Wrestling History Lesson. Fifteen years ago, on April 6, 1997, World Championship Wrestling held its "Spring Stampede" pay-per-view in Tupelo, Mississippi. Back then, WCW had great high-flying talent in their cruiserweight division, which is the predecessor The big event kicked off with Rey Mysterio taking on Ultimo Dragon in a battle of future WWE wrestlers. For the call of the action, let's go to Tony Schiavone, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, Mike Tenay and Dusty Rhodes.




Here's this week's episode of TNA Xplosion. Eric Young takes on the undefeated Crimson. Yes, it's Borash and Bischoff on commentary.


Five years ago, at Lockdown 2007, the show kicked off with a big X Divsion Xscape Cage Match. Chris Sabin vs. Alex Shelley vs. Jay Lethal vs. Sharkboy vs. Sonjay Dutt. This match is courtesy of TNA Wrestling on Youtube.



On with the projections! But first, here's a prayer:

Dear Lord, I try to avoid requesting work-related favors of this nature, but could you please make sure we don't get a honeymoon video from Eric Young and O.D.B. Young during the show? I ask for this in your name. Amen.

Matt Morgan vs. Crimson (Cage Match): Matt Morgan made news yesterday on the PWTorch Livecast by telling Wade Keller that his TNA contract is up later this year and he might be heading back to WWE. Maybe we can start a rumor that he'll be facing The Undertaker at WrestleMania 29. Projection? Morgan with the Carbon Footprint to give Crimson his first loss. It's long overdue.

Brother Devon vs. Robbie E w/ Robby T (TNA Television Title - Cage Match): There's no reason for Brother Devon to hold the TNA Television Title. Then again, there's no reason for him not to hold it. Projection? Big Rob can't interfere due to the cage, so Devon ends it with a spinebuster.

Gail Kim vs. Velvet Sky (TNA Knockouts Title - Cage Match): The most well-rounded knockout wrestler in TNA takes on Velvet Sky, who, um, looks nice in a pair of fishnet stockings. Projection? Somehow, Earl Hebner is the referee for this match. Oh, you want more? Velvet kicks out of Eat Defeat, but is unable to kick out of the Happy Ending. Gail stays on top.

Samoa Joe & Magnus vs. Motor City Machine Guns (TNA World Tag Team Titles - Cage Match): The Motor City Machine Guns made their triumphant return to Total Nonstop Action on Thursday, and the fans love them. But Joe and Magnus haven't held the tag team titles for very long. Projection? Joe and Magnus act as the subtle heels in this one, because they're better at it. Joe attacks the injured knee of Sabin and Magnus hits the Tormentum for the win. The Guns should have to fight their way back to the titles.

Jeff Hardy vs. Kurt Angle (in a cage): Kurt Angle is too injured to wrestle in the United States Olympic trials. Tune in this Sunday night to watch Kurt Angle in a grueling pro wrestling cage match. Projection? Hardy eventually wears down the injured Olympic Hero and hits the swanton bomb to keep the Jeff Hardy fans happy.

Garett Bischoff, Mr. Anderson, A.J. Styles, Austin Aries & Rob Van Dam vs. Eric Bischoff, Bully Ray, Christopher Daniels, Gunner & Kazarian (Lethal Lockdown Match - Losing Bischoff Leaves TNA - in a cage.): Not only must the losing captain leave TNA, but either Garett or Eric must renounce the right to the Bischoff name. This would be intriguing if TNA ever adhered to the stipulations in its styipulation matches. Projection? During the match, Ric Flair slips Gunner brass nucs. In the melee, Gunner knocks out Garett Bischoff and Team Eric gets the win. Garett Bischoff is gone from TNA forever. Two weeks from now, Sting brings in a new tag team partner, who is Garett Bischoff under a mask as Dark Scorpion. The Scorpion carries a baseball bat with him and sets his sights on Gunner and Papa Bischoff. (The best part of this idea? Since Dark Scorpion is a masked character, you can have Garett cut the promos, and some guy who can actually wrestle can do the matches. Everybody wins. Sort of.)

Robert Roode vs. James Storm (TNA Heavyweight Title. In A Cage.): For the past six months, TNA has been building anticipation for the eventual rematch between Robert Roode and James Storm. Well, except for they had Storm and Roode wrestle on the London episode of Impact. Seriously, this should be the best TNA main event in months. Projection? After a lengthy match, Storm hits the Last Call and recaptures the TNA World Heavyweight Title.

Aftermath: Next month is Sacrifice 2012, a chance to move into some exciting new programs. But I expect to see Storm vs. Roode again, plus Rob Van Dam against Kurt Angle and The Dark Scorpion against Gunner.

***
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He's enjoying the early-season success of the Washington Nationals. Drop him a line at patmcneill@live.com

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