By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of The Cerebral C.O.O., Stephanie "Office Mom" Levesque and WWE President "Cranky" Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a selection of billfolds from the Amity Leather Products Company. Remember, if it's stamped "Amity", it's leather. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, unless it interferes with one of his punchlines.

After four full weeks of buildup for Sunday's main event match between Brock Lesnar and John Cena, we've learned that WWE is desperate to break out of its current ratings funk. So instead of spending four months setting up the big Cena-Lesnar bout for SummerSlam, we're getting it now, on April 29th.

But that's not the amazing part. The amazing part is that WWE managed to cram too much buildup for the Cena vs. Lesnar bout into those four weeks. Do you think that contract signing on Raw this past Monday actually made fans more excited about Sunday's show? Lesnar talked too much, and Cena backed down from Lesnar. That's not good.

More on that in a moment. Let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson. Twenty years ago, before Extreme Rules, the World Wrestling Federation held its big late April show in Sheffield, England. The date was April 19, 1992, and the show began with "Tatanka" Chris Chavis taking on the current head of Florida Championship Wrestling, Steve "Skinner" Keirn. Gorilla Monsoon & Bobby "The Brain" Heenan have the call.



If you're wondering what's happening with the talented young fellows, check out this match from Thursday's episode of Superstars, as The Uso Brothers battle Hunico & Camacho. Michael Cole & Matt Stryker have the call.



What was the main event of WWE Raw fifteen years ago? I'm so glad you asked! From April 28, 1997, it's champion versus champion, as WWF World Champion The Undertaker took on the WWF European Champion, the late Davey Boy Smith. Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler have the call.



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Booker T. Huffman will probably be announcing this show. On with the projections!

If necessary, WWE could add a bonus match of Dolph Ziggler defeating R-Truth.

Santino Marella vs. The Miz (WWE United States Title): This is the preshow, which you'll be able to catch for free at WWE.com and on YouTube. Projection? Santino accidentally cobras the referee, enabling Miz to hit a low blow without being seen. Miz wins the United States Title again, meaning that the championship belt goes to someone who isn't Santino.

Nikki Bella vs. Beth Phoenix (WWE Divas Title): Beth Phoenix's ankle injury on Raw was a work, and WWE is upset that word of the storyline leaked out to the wrestling media. Here's an idea. Instead of trying to fool us, maybe WWE could try, you know, planning ahead for a three-hour "go home" episode of Raw instead of writing it the afternoon of the show? Projection? Beth has Nikki in trouble, the Bellas go to the well of Twin Magic, and Brie rolls up Beth for the pinfall. Then Nikki can drop the title on Raw to Kharma, or whoever is going to take over as Head Diva.

Randy Orton vs. Kane (Falls Count Anywhere): Hey, remember when Randy Orton wasn't feuding with Kane? Those were good times. Projection? The two men fight all over the building. When they get backstage, Zack Ryder distracts The Big Red Monster, and Orton hits a RKO on a stack of wooden palettes for the victory. That's extreme enough for me.

Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes (WWE Intercontinental Title - Stipulation To Be Announced): Based on the last Big Show-Cody Rhodes interaction from Smackdown, I'll bet that Cody Rhodes spins the wheel, and the wheel lands on a Country Whipping Match, giving each man the opportunity to take a belt to his opponent. Projection? A lot of welts, and then Show knocks out Cody with the WMD punch. Show keeps the title, and WWE starts rebuilding Cody for an eventual feud with Sheamus.

Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan (Smackdown World Title - 2/3 Falls): It's almost certain that this match will last longer than the 18 seconds Sheamus and Daniel Bryan had at WrestleMania. This feud isn't doing Sheamus any favors, so it needs to end. Projection? Sheamus beats Bryan two falls to one in about fifteen minutes total. Bryan moves out to win the Intercontinental Title from Big Show, a feud where WWE could easily turn D. Bryan face without hurting a franchise player.

C.M. Punk vs. Chris Jericho (WWE Heavyweight Title - Street Fight Match): Punk and Jericho are battling for the richest prize in our sport, a championship that dates back almost fifty years and has become the most coveted title in the industry. Naturally, the feud has degenerated into Jericho ripping off the "Celebrity Jeopardy" sketches from Saturday Night Live and calling Punk's mother a whore. Projection? Punk gets to knock Jericho all around ringside at the Allstate Arena before putting Jericho to sleep and keeping the title.

John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar (Extreme Rules Match): Brock Lesnar is back. Brock can talk. Brock can project the sort of malevolence WWE wants in a bad guy. The only question left is whether Lesnar can wrestle as well as he did nine years ago. Fortunately, we don't have to find out. Projection? Remember back in 2002 when The Rock wrestled Brock Lesnar? That's your template. Lesnar takes the best shots Cena has, and then hits the F-5 and pins Cena after about twelve minutes. It's not a squash match, but it is a decisive victory.

Aftermath: The next pay-per-view, "Over The Limit," takes place in three weeks. That's right, three weeks. Whatever WWE has planned, they have to get moving. Let's go with Sheamus vs. Alberto del Rio, C.M. Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler and Randy Orton vs. Anybody Who Isn't Kane.

***

Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He's ready to see his niece, Paige, get baptized tomorrow.

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