By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

We are LIVE from couchside at McNeill Manor for WWE Extreme Rules 2012!

Michael Cole and Matt Stryker are there to host the preshow. Cole hypes the fact that Santino Marella is defending the United States title in a few moments. He forgets to mention Santino's opponent.

Yes, Santino Marella pinned The Miz with the cobra in a short match. Not only that, but Miz had to use his mic time to explain how WWE was burying him for losing his matches. Wow.

Michael Cole is in rare form tonight, telling us that Brock Lesnar has the edge in tonight's Extreme Rules match because of his UFC experience. Really? (Where's Miz when you need him?) Yes, I remember Brock Lesnar being undefeated in all his UFC gimmick matches.

Teddy Long, who is wearing the world's largest name tag, gets to spin the Wheel of Stipulations to determine the rules for the Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes match. The wheel stops on "Tables Match". Cody leaves to go look for a forklift.

In a pretaped video package, Chris Jericho explains that since C.M. Punk must be addicted to some sort of illegal substance, seeing as he was part of ECW. Okay, not really.

Tonight's couchside report is brought to you by Leonardo's Pizza of Richmond.

After our serious video package, tonight's show opens with Randy Orton taking on Kane in a Falls Count Anywhere match. The crowd goes mild. You can join in on the conversation on Twitter by using the hashtag #PleaseLordNoMoreKaneStorylines.

Your announcers are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Booker T. After watching Smackdown, I'm mildly disappointed that Teddy Long isn't part of the Spanish announce team. Booker says he can't ready Randy Orton's facial expression. Let me help you out, Book. Randy doesn't have any facial expressions.

Orton and Kane brawl around ringside, then into the crowd, then to the entranceway, and then backstage. The crowd seems down once the wrestlers go backstage. Then again, many of them are Chicago Bulls fans, and have therefore lost their will to live.

Backstage, Zack Ryder interferes to help Orton regain the advantage, but that's not the finish. The two men brawl back out to ringside, and then actually re-enter the ring. After some near falls, Orton RKO's Kane on a chair to get the victory. That wasn't so bad. Now, let's never do it again. You always want to leave on a high note.

John Laurinaitis has an important phone call from Triple H. Poor Johnny. Now he's going to miss the ring introductions for the next match, Brodus Clay vs. Dolph Ziggler. This is Extreme!

So far, the Chicago crowd is 1000% behind Dolph Ziggler, so you know what's about to happen. This match is already going longer than any previous Funkasaurus spectacular. Brodus kicks out of Dolph's finisher, drops Dolph on his face, then hits the headbutt and splash for the victory. Yes, this happened.

We go right to our Intercontinental Title bout. Big Show is fighting Cody Rhodes in a tables match. The announcers are mentioning how impossible it would be for Rhodes to put Show through a table. The crowd, naturally, is chanting for Daniel Bryan.

Big Show is trying to get back into the ring when Rhodes kicks Show, causing Show to momentary lose his footing and step through a table. What a knucklehead. Cody is the new Intercontinental Champion, to the delight of the Chicago fans. Show puts Rhodes through a table, then throws Cody through another table. Unfortunately for Show, we're not doing two out of three.

After an ad for the Edge DVD, Matt Stryker interviews Daniel Bryan. The crowd is cheering for Daniel, so Daniel insults the crowd. It works...for a few seconds. A.J. Lee is backstage, apparently stalking Daniel Bryan. Then we go back to ringside, where Lawler and Booker try to pretend that the crowd was chanting "No." Good luck with that.

Sheamus faces Daniel Bryan in a two out of three falls match for the Smackdown title. The crowd is about two to one in favor of the challenger. Good news. This match has already gone longer than eighteen seconds.

This is a really good match so far. It is also worth pointing out that, next to Sheamus, Daniel Bryan looks really tan. Sheamus misses a charge in the corner and rams his shoulder into the ringpost. Bryan works over Sheamus's arm and shoulder in the ropes, refusing to break until he gets disqualified. Then Bryan grabs a YesLock and Sheamus passes out. We're even at one fall each.

Believe it or not, this is working. The crowd is into it, and the Sheamus fans are starting to get louder. The trainers check on Sheamus, and the champ can go for the third and final fall. The first Brogue Kick doesn't finish off the challenger, but the second one does. Sheamus keeps the title, but Daniel Bryan didn't come off any worse by losing.

On May 20th, Randy Orton is going Over The Limit. I have no idea what that means. Is Randy going Over The Limit the same way that Alistair Overeem went over the limit?

Speaking of Over The Limit, Ryback is heading to the ring to kill jobbers Aaron Relic and Jay Hatton. The crowd chants for Bill Goldberg as Skip Ryberg killifies his opponent.

Matt Striker interviews Punk, who says he's ready. The Street Fight match is next.

C.M. Punk vs. Chris Jericho for the WWE title. Punk busts out the Stone Cold Mudhole Stomp in the early going. We have chairs. We have a Singapore Cane. We have C.M. Punk's alleged sister, who looks like the token hot chick at the A.A. meeting. And we have more "ECW" chants in the first three minutes of the match than were heard at last night's Extreme Reunion show.

It's a wild Attitude-era brawl, as the fight continues around the ring. Jericho works over Punk in front of Sister Punk and gets in her face. Sister Punk slaps Jericho. Jericho makes a grab for Sister Punk, but the champ makes the save. The fight continues. Kendo sticks. Exposed turnbuckle. Pieces of the announcer table. Then Jericho pours out a beer on Punk. It's a domestic brew, which angers Punk so much that he begins his comeback.

You know, these matches are always toughest on the Spanish announce table.

The Chicago crowd is so enamored of the bout that they're chanting "This is awesome." You people just added five extra minutes of complaining to the post-show VIP Roundtables. Thanks a lot. Punk finally slingshots Jericho into the exposed turnbuckle and hits his finished to keep the title. That was great, and "great" limits my comic material here.

Beth Phoenix is limping, but wants to fight Nikki Bella anyway. Eve Torres comes by. Eve read on the internet that Beth's injury was a shoot, and therefore she can't wrestle. Eve promises Nikki she'll defend the Diva Title against someone who isn't Beth Phoenix or Kharma.

Eve's as good as her word. Nikki's opponent is...the returning Layla El. Cole reminds us that people are watching this all over the world, in Canada, Great Britain, Bosnia and UStream. The Bellas pull Twin Magic, but Layla hits the Rude Awakening on Brie Bella and pins her. We have a new Divas champion.

Matt Striker interviews John Laurinaitis, asking why Triple H called The Ace. Johnny tells Matt he'll find out tomorrow night on "Monday Night Raw starring Brock Lesnar" like everybody else.

John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar is your main event. The crowd is divided. There's a ton of signs. I didn't even know it was possible to misspell the word "couldn't" until just now. Cole points out that Lesnar held the WWE Title three times. Only three? What's wrong with this guy?

Either Cena got busted open in the first minute of this match, or he was hiding a ketchup bottle in his jean shorts. The trainer guy cleans up Cena's cut, but when the match restarts, Brock immediately goes to open the cut back up. Hmmmm. Ref bump. Hmmmm. Lesnar locks in the kimura. Unless you're Booker Huffman, in which case Lesnar locks in the "Gomorrah."

Lesnar ties up Cena with his own chain, and for the second time in a year, we have The Passion of The Cena. Cena fights back. Lesnar with the F-5 on Cena, accidentally knocking out the referee again.

And for the second straight year, Cena makes a miraculous comeback. We have both men busted open. Cena hits a chain shot, and gives Brock the Attitude Adjustment on the steel steps. Cena pins Brock Lesnar in Lesnar's return match. A wild and fun match. Unless you're Lesnar or Cena, of course. It sure looks like the PG Era is over.

John Cena then takes the mic and tells us he's going on vacation for a little while. This, of course, gets him a huge pop.

So why would WWE bring Brock Lesnar back and have Cena beat Lesnar clean in less than a month? I don't know. But you can call James Caldwell and Greg Parks in thirty minutes and ask them. The rest of us have some talking and writing to do. Good night, everybody!

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