By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul "The Authority" Levesque, Vice President in Charge of Filling Three Hours Every Monday Night Stephanie McMahon and WWE President "Vanishing" Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. (By the way, don't think I forgot for a second about JBL butchering that Funk and Wagnall's line on WWE Main Event this past Tuesday. That's why you don't try this stuff at home, kids.) This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Closed captioning provided by Nestlé Crunch, a unique combination of smooth Nestlé chocolate and crisped rice. Pat McNeill's wardrobe is supplied by Botany 500. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for the part where he pushes Dolph Ziggler, causing Triple H's head to explode like that guy in "Scanners."

("Scanners." It was a horror movie. You see, back in 198...oh, screw it.)

In case you missed it, we've now had two weeks of somewhat serious professional wrestling on Monday nights. Has this led to a ratings turnaround? Nope.

Before we get down to business, let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that's why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on October 24, 1994, the World Wrestling Federation presented Monday Night Raw (pretaped) from Burlington, Vermont. Your main event? Razor Ramon defended the WWF Intercontinental Title against Yokozuna. That's right. Vince McMahon and Randy Savage had the call.



What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I'm glad you asked! On October 25, 1999, the World Wrestling Federation presented an episode of Sunday Night Heat taped in Louisville, Kentucky. We had a slobberknocker in our opening match as former WWF Tag Team Champions The Headbangers took on X-Pac & Kane. Michael Cole and Kevin Kelly had the call.


WWF Heat 10/25/1999by SomeDong

Did you catch the main event of WWE Friday Night Smackdown? No? Watch it now. The Usos team with Mark Henry against Goldust, Stardust & Bo Dallas. Michael Cole, Tom Phillips & John Layfield have the call. (If you want to see it, hurry, because WWE will have it down in about fifteen minutes. Or less.)



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and John B. Layfield will probably be announcing on this show while arguing amongst themselves. Clearly that's how announcing major events is supposed to work. That's why you hear Joe Buck, Harold Reynolds & Tom Verducci bicker as they broadcast the World Series. On with the program!

Your exciting pregame show: I'm mildly curious about "Mizdow TV," but I'm guessing this will be a fine time to catch the fourth quarter of the Steelers game. Because WWE pregame shows suck donkeys. If it were me, I'd at least give the viewers the courtesy of an awful match, like Los Matadores defeating Heath Slater & Titus O'Neil.

Brie Bella vs. Nikki Bella (Loser becomes the winner's administrative assistant for 30 days): I started to break this down, then realized none of our readers care about the outcome of this match. Projection? Brie knocks out Nikki with the running knee and gets the victory. Nikki becomes Brie's personal assistant for thirty days. If you want to see all the hilarity that ensues, you'll have to watch "Total Divas" on E! But that's only if I'm booking it. In reality, we will be subjected to every excruciating skit on our regular WWE programming, first on Raw, then replayed on Smackdown.

Sheamus vs. The Miz (WWE United States Title): I have a hunch we're going to need another big-time heel in WWE, and that the best man for the job has flaming red hair, an Irish brogue and an endless collection of horrible stories that lead to nowhere. Projection? Sheamus goes to hit the Brogue Kick, Mizdow takes the bullet for his boss, and Miz rolls Sheamus up in all the confusion. Mike Mizanin becomes a three-time United States champion, the first wrestler to accomplish that feat since...Kofi Kingston. In an unrelated story, I've wasted my life.

Don't worry, kids. It's all leading to the Age of Sandow.

AJ Lee vs. Paige Knight (WWE Divas Title): Oh, yeah. This is still a thing, isn't it? Projection? We get several minutes of perfectly acceptable wrestling before the Geek Goddess locks in the Black Widow submission for the victory. It all leads up to the sequel to last year's god-awful Ten Divas Classic Tag Match at the Survivor Series.

Big Show vs. Alexander Rusev (w/ Renata Zellweggakova): The top wrestling promotion in the world has a seven-foot, 430 pound authentic Big Nasty Giant, and THIS is his storyline? Nice work. Maybe you guys ought to loan him out to indy promotions for five grand a pop. Every little bit helps. Projection? Rusev wins under tainted circumstances when the ref misses Show's gigantic foot on the bottom rope. Show takes some time off from television until the Royal Rumble comes around. Please just have Cena kill Rusev at Survivor Series. I'm begging you, in the name of storylines that do not suck.

John Cena vs. Randy Orton (Hell in a Cell): On the one hand, John Cena's the hardest-working guy in this business, and he deserves this shot at redemption. On the other hand, who'd rather see Brock Lesnar fight Randy Orton? Show of hands? Okay, we have a quorum. Projection? This'll be tricky. Have Cena and Orton beat the hell out of each other. Then Orton rams Cena's head into the steel steps and gets busted open. Orton refuses to let the cut man into the Cell to tend to Cena, and opens Cena up some more. The ref orders a stoppage due to Cena's bleeding. Orton wins, and Cena gets over as a tough guy. Don't show the footage of Cena's bleeding on the main television shows, and tell the parents...I mean, fans, that the images are too graphic for their kids to see.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Antonio Cesaro (WWE Intercontinental Title - 2/3 Falls): These two guys are going to have a tremendous match, and they're likely to end up in the exact same positions after the match that they're in now. Projection? Ziggler takes it two falls to one. Just give them enough time for this bout. I feel we've all earned it.

The Weirdos (Goldust & Stardust) vs. The Usos (WWE World Tag Team Titles): I don't understand the purpose of the "game show" that aired during Main Event on Tuesday. Did someone run across a pack of unused scripts from Season 3 of NXT? Projection? Jey Uso misses a dive to the outside, Goldust catches Jimmy Uso with the Final Cut, and the tag titles stay with the Two Legged Freaks.

Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins (Hell in a Cell): You just know the former Shield members have something big planned for the main event. So it's time to reach into the ol' bag of tricks. Projection? Ambrose gets the advantage, and that's when we learn that Kane's been hiding under the ring all night. Kane and Rollins give Orton another signature two-on-one beatdown. John Cena fights his way into the Cell to help Dean Ambrose by running Kane off. The cell door is left wide open, allowing Randy Orton to run in, hit Seth Rollins with an RKO and run out. This gives Dean Ambrose time to get out some cinderblocks and curbstomp Rollins through each individual block. Dean Ambrose is your winner.

Aftermath: Randy Orton takes on Seth Rollins at Survivor Series. Team Cena faces Team Rusev in a traditional Survivor Series matchup, and The Authority puts a bounty on Dean Ambrose. Or WWE can bring Lesnar back. Either way.


***
Pat McNeill has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001 He lives in Greenville, South Carolina. He'd take the Packers over the Saints tonight in Sunday Night Football. You know, if gambling were legal.

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