By Sean Radican, Torch columnist

RADICAN’S “NO HOLDS BARRED” DVD REVIEW
JULY 2, 2012
DIGITALLY REMASTERED BY WWE IN WIDESCREEN

Are there words that describe how bad this movie is? I’ll give it a shot. This movie is horrible. Grunting men, cliché storylines, and testosterone all wrapped together make for a horrifying mixture in Hulk Hogan’s signature movie role.

When this movie came out in the late ‘80s, it wasn’t very good. The thing that will generate sales for this movie is the memories it burned into the minds of thousands of young WWE fans. There was Hulk Hogan playing Rip Rodgers, who is running high in the WWF, I suppose, as we see the WWE Championship, the WWE ring, and WWE announcers Jesse Ventura, Mean Gene Okerlund, and heck even Howard Finkle is doing the ring announcing.

What makes Rip Rodgers so great as a character is he has a conscience. Ever the ladies man, Hogan manages to put the woman from a rival network under his spell. She doesn’t fall for him at first. You see, it takes time for Rip to get into her heart. The romance escalates as the rival network finds out she’s fallen for the Ripster. Armed with Zeus in their back pocket to combat Rip in the ratings by having him win tough man competitions on live television, they want Zeus to fight Rip, but he won’t do it. I won’t spoil why he won’t fight Zeus, but the reason is awesome (as in not awesome, but still I won’t spoil it).

There are horrible action scenes aplenty in this movie, including Rip combating a bunch of robbers in a small diner with pies to the face. Later, Rip rescues his lady friend from the network from being raped in the missionary positions by one of the goons sent by the rival network. It’s all wonderfully bad, unlike the current crop of WWE movies which are just plain bad.

The boss of the rival network reminded me in some ways of Vince McMahon’s on-air character that didn’t blossom until nearly a decade after this opus was released. He’s going two stooges that play the Briscoe and Patterson role to perfection. They are bad evil personified.

So what makes Rip’s finally get into the ring with Zeus? If you guessed beating the living tar out of Rip’s little brother, you win! After that, Rip has no choice but to take on Zeus in the ring. It’s unclear whether their match is supposed to be under tough man or regular WWE rules at first, but we’ll get to that later.

Rip in search of revenge, goes to Zeus’s gym and tears it apart in one of the more epically bad scenes in cinematic history. When Zeus appears as a reflection in a room of mirrors, Rip destroying the entire place to get to holographic Zeus had me rolling on the floor. Perhaps this was a sign of things to come with the recent Tupac hologram performing with Snoop.

The final scene with Hogan finally taking on Zeus in a wrestling ring can only be described as epic. There’s a lot of grunting, heavy breathing, and over-exaggerated facial expressions from everyone involved from Hogan’s flame to little brother Randy sitting on ringside, the bad drama unfolds like a dying flower blossom.

The network boss tells Hogan to take a dive in the match, hence the major drama in the final minutes ratchets up several notches. I won’t spoil the ending, but it’s ridiculously funny even though it’s not supposed to be. Heck, even what happens to the network boss in the end is hilariously bad.

If you’re going to pick this movie up, be warned that it’s awful. If you remembered this as being a highlight of your childhood, cherish the memories and don’t watch this again. At the very least, if you decide to purchase this, you’re guaranteed some laughs. Thumbs way down.

No Holds Barred can be purchased at most retail stores on July 3, 2012.

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