SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
Tonight, Paul Heyman brings Suplex City to Oakland. Although, really, what’s the difference? Raw tweets…at the top of the hour.
Charlotte comes out to confront Sasha, but she is interrupted by Lana. Charlotte says “I don’t remember asking for a white Russian”.
Rusev shouts down Charlotte and Sasha, in English. Those Rosetta Stone tapes really work.
So, judging by the opening segment, our main event is Charlotte & Sasha vs. Rusev & Lana in a mixed tag match? Makes sense.
Who was that getting booed out of the arena in Oakland? Aqib Talib? Mike Trout? LeBron? No. It’s Raw’s top babyface, Roman Re
igns.
Still to come tonight, Seth Rollins will wrestle Chris Jericho. Plus, we’ll have lots more talking. That much I guarantee.
If you guessed 18 minutes for how long it would take someone to reference Ken Bone on Raw, you’re a winner.
Tonight, Paul Heyman will answer the comments of Goldberg. Raw has 15 writers, and we still need to steal storylines from the video game.
Xavier Woods wants you to know that Sheamus is Travis Bryant’s catch phrase.
Bayley makes her way to the ring, and gets a good reaction. (She hasn’t been here long enough for Creative to screw her up yet.)
Did they just say Bayley’s opponent is Kim Fields? Because she looks different than…Oh. CAMMY Fields. Got it.
Dana Brooke hits Bayley with a sneak attack. Dana was disguised as a member of the New Jersey Devils, so she was easy to miss.
And now, it’s Chris Jericho and R-Truth for Payday candy bars.
BREAKING NEWS: Sin Cara is now a cruiserweight. But Adrian Neville still isn’t. Sounds legit.
Nese & Gulak fall short against Sin Cara & Lince Dorado, the Lucha Lynxes.
Can’t wait to pick up a new Mick Foley flannel suit at WWEShop.com
Mick Foley says that Charlotte and Sasha deserve to be inside the most dangerous structure known to man at Hell in A Cell. Yay?
Three Hell in A Cell matches? Can we go ahead and rename the show “WWE Lockdown”?
Kevin Owens says this Hell In A Cell match is the stupidest move of Mick Foley’s career. Dude, have you SEEN the flannel suit?
Backstage, Seth Rollins says he’s the best piece Stephanie McMahon ever had. (I may be taking that statement slightly out of context.)
Tonight, it’s Roman Reigns & Sasha Banks vs. Rusev & Charlotte. Because Sasha could use the rub. Stay tuned.
Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson just deprived us of the joy of seeing Enzo & Cass against Bo Dallas & Curtis Axel. That’s so wrong.
Gallows & Anderson announce “The games are over!” At which point the Sky TV feed launches into an ad for WWE 2K17.
The Outcasts’ new opponent are Sami Zayn and “The Man That Creative Forgot” Adrian Neville.
Is Lana threatening Charlotte? Oh, that’s so adorable.
“Pay attention, I’m about to mention/My old rap song/Has a jobber edition! I’m on Raw against Titus O’Neil. His act is as old as @RealPatMcNeill. What’s up? (What’s up!)”
TJ Perkins gives Brian Kendrick a pep talk using video game lingo. I don’t blame Kendrick for trying to sneak attack him after that.
Currently on Raw: Braun Strowman in a handicap match against…um…those guys New Day were talking about.
Corey Graves says the Raiders will be looking to sign Braun Strowman. Actually, I think the Panthers need him more.
Well, Sasha Banks thinks Roman Reigns is cool. So there! Reigns & Banks vs. Rusev & Charlotte is NEXT.
I feel obliged to explain, again, that the 30th Royal Rumble is not the same as the 30th Anniversary of the Royal Rumble. Sorry.
Jericho calls Tom Phillips’ comment a “stupid idiom”. And Bruce Mitchell makes fun of MY puns. Sheesh.
Your favorite superagent, Paul Heyman, is here to save this episode. Good luck, Paul. We’ll see you on the other side of the break.
Three Hell in a Cell matches are a lot, but you can’t have too much of a good thing. That’s why every year we have three Super Bowls.
On behalf of Brock Lesnar, Paul Heyman challenges Bill Goldberg to a fight. Well, we haven’t had any 50 year olds on top for a while.
If they’re really going to make Emma into Emmalina, she has to star in a few bad movies and ditch a loser husband.
I’m still impressed that TJ Perkins is on Raw, and WWE isn’t using him to put over Braun Strowman.
Arya Daivari is on Raw. This show is slowly turning into Bizzaro World.
Kendrick says if he loses his cruiserweight title match, it could be the end. I don’t know. I think Gabe would still book him in EVOLVE.
You know we’re coming up on the end of Raw when you see Chris Jericho wearing his main event scarf. Rollins vs. Jericho is NEXT.
And now, WWE celebrates Hispanic Heritage month by looking back at the legendary career of Pete Sanchez.
BREAKING NEWS: Bill Goldberg’s coming to Denver next Monday night, and the Broncos aren’t even playing. Uh, oh.
Rollins versus Jericho is in the ring, and the Universal champ is on his way to ringside. Well, this is awkward. Let’s go to a break.
Rollins pins Jericho. Owens comes in for the double team, but Rollins pedigrees Jericho and Owens skedaddles. Next week? Goldberg.
That was Raw. You get more McNeill goodness on PWTorchLivecast.com this Saturday when I’m in for Jim Valley. Good night, everybody!
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