SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
TOTAL DIVAS, EPISODE 5
DECEMBER 14 , 2016
AIRED ON E!
The show opens with Renee Young and Paige backstage somewhere. They’re discussing bowel movements. Thanks, I just ate dinner. Paige is lactose intolerant and afraid to poop in the presence of Alberto Del Rio – as the two have just moved in together.
The open for the show airs, and this week we don’t get a recap. Brie & Bryan are in a restaurant (surprise surprise, because literally half the scenes on this show always happen in a restaurant). They discuss buying some art that’s for sale there because they’re going to go visit Renee & Dean in Vegas.
Cut to Lana & Rusev’s home in Tennessee. Lana’s parents and brother live with them. If you haven’t read Lana’s wikipedia page, then here you are introduced to the fact that Lana’s parents are Christian missionaries and she grew up in Russia. The parents and Lana & Rusev are going to look at wedding dresses. Here we are introduced to the plot point that Rusev (or rather Rusev’s mom) wants them to have a Bulgarian wedding (presumably in Bulgaria) and Lana wants a beach wedding in Malibu. Meanwhile, backstage at Smackdown, Maryse gets a call from her Mom who’s staying at her house. There’s an intruder trying to break into the house. Miz and Maryse end up yelling at her to call 911. Back from break, the intruder ran off and the cops are at Chateau MarMiz. Technically everything is fine, but Maryse is shaken.
Paige and Eva are having a match. Meanwhile Rusev and Lana discuss the wedding backstage, mainly Lana wants her beach wedding, not the Bulgarian wedding that Rusev’s mom wants. We cut to Miz and Maryse having dinner at a restaurant with Paige and two other women (who look familiar, but I can’t identify them). They discuss the intruder. Maryse suggests getting a gun. Miz thinks it’s a bad idea. “A gun is a last resort,” he says. In the next scene, Lana and Rusev need to take down the stripper pole before Rusev’s mom arrives. Lana and her dad both take a whirl on it. Of course, Mom arrives just as they’re taking it down.
Meanwhile, Renee and Dean get ready for the house guests. Their dog has peed in the entry way. Brie announces that she invited Nikki – cuz they’re twins. Renee freaks out a bit because she didn’t prepare anything special for unexpected guest Nikki. Shortly after Nikki arrives, Renee leaves to get her something because the whiskey and whatever other alcohol they have at their home bar isn’t posh enough for Nikki Bella.
In Tennessee, Lana & Rusev are having a BBQ for Rusev’s mom. Rusev makes Lana talk about the wedding, since he doesn’t want to tell his mom that Lana wants the wedding of her dreams, not the wedding that the mom wants. I wonder who’s paying for the wedding, since that seems like it should be a determining factor. Rusev’s Mom discusses Bulgarian wedding traditions. It’s something about the groom having to find the bride’s shoe and put money in it. Cut to commercial.
Maryse is back home, and she has Eva over because she’s nervous about the intruder. They sort of booby trap the house based on gimmicks that occurred in “Home Alone.” Eva stresses that Maryse needs a gun. This doesn’t make Eva seem like a rocket scientist to me, but I’m not a gun nut, and also not a gun owner; I also don’t live in a mansion that’s filled with nice things… We like to joke that a burglar would break in, take one look at the living room, maybe wander into our kitchen filled with beige appliances from the 1980s, and walk right back out. Yeah.
Anyhoo, Lana, Rusev, and Rusev’s mom go to an Eastern European market. Rusev and Mom discuss the Bulgarian wedding in Bulgarian. Lana, who speaks Russian, only understands some words in Bulgarian. They pretend that they’re talking about food, she knows they’re lying.
Meanwhile in Nevada, Renee, Dean, the Bellas, and Bryan are doing some “fun” outdoors stuff. They’re going to drive ATVs through the dessert and ride in a monster truck. Of course, poor frail Nikki can’t – because of her neck surgery – so like the third wheel that she is – she sits at the bar and demonstrates an inability to entertain herself. She has a beer and calls her mom and complains about being the third wheel. Remember how Brie invited her, not Renee? Oh, whoops. Back in Tennessee, Rusev tries to get Lana’s dad to warm up to the idea of a Bulgarian wedding, which irritates Lana. They have the argument in the bedroom from the clip that was on YouTube.
Back from break, Eva takes Maryse to a gun range. Shhh, don’t tell Mike. They take a selfie. Maryse shoots a paper target in the head. Meanwhile, Renee & Dean are having a BBQ. Nikki decides she’s going to a hotel because she feels like the third wheel that she is. Renee stresses over her uninvited guest leaving. Renee stresses over the whole concept of having guests. She wants everything to be perfect. She needs to stop trying to impress people. This is basically the plot of a Berenstein Bears book. Anyway, while Renee is trying to be perfect hostess, the moment ends with her dropping a plate of shrimp kabobs. Here we get the Dean Ambrose “party foul” line. Dean appears to make no effort to pick up the broken plate or spilled food… Renee learns the Berenstein Bears lesson. She tried too hard to make things nice. So, she and Brie agree to do girl stuff.
Next scene: At Raw, Nattie and Emma have a match. Backstage Maryse is with Eva and Paige. Maryse got a gun. Paige teases her about scenarios where she’s in a part of the house with an intruder, but not the room where she keeps the gun. This, kids, is why people have big heavy lamps and ceramic vases and fireplace pokers. Meanwhile, Lana, Rusev, and her Dad are in a restaurant. Rusev has something to ask Dad. Lana is suspicious that he’s still pushing this whole Bulgarian wedding thing… Back from break, Rusev asks Lana’s Dad for permission to marry Lana (you know, well after the actual proposal). Lana’s dad says yes, mind you a bemused yes, since they’re already engaged.
Brie and Renee go to the hotel that third wheel Nikki exiled herself at. They put on bathing suits and have champagne at the pool. Change of scene, Maryse and Miz are face-timing. Maryse tells Miz she bought a gun. Miz is fine with it. Back with Lana and Rusev, they agree to have two weddings – Lana’s dream wedding on the beach and Rusev’s mom’s desired Bulgarian wedding. There, everyone should be happy.
Next week’s episode: How Naomi’s movie shoot is going, Brie and Nikki take IQ tests (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha), and Nattie’s sister Jenny has some sort of freak out.
NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 12/7 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW (ep. 4): Reaction Paige dating Del Rio, Nikki wonders if birds sleep, Paige is late, Road Dogg cameo, Bryan & Brie
This show is atrocious, and Sara deserves some sort if medal for having to sit through this mess. The only thing entertaining about this is her review. Can’t believe Dean and Rusev are part of this crap.