WWE Velocity review
December 18, 2004
Aired on Spike TV
Report by Mike Roe, PWTorch.com's second favorite Velocity reviewer
'Twas the week before Christmas, and all through this house, every creature is stirring, 'cause it's time for Velocity!
Our intro graphic rolls, updated with an appearance by Carlito Caribbean Cool and not much else for the last several years, and once again, those cheap bastards don't show us any Veloci-pyro! Let's send it down to Josh Matthews and Bill DeM-- Wait a minute! That's not Bill DeMott! It's... Steve Romero?! But... but... who's going to Bill DeMott's Turning Point? Who's going to make veiled references to Hugh Morrus and Hugh G. Rection? More importantly, who's going to talk about metrosexuals?! The sun no longer shines in Velocityland.
(1) Charlie Haas & Hardcore Holly defeated Nick Sinn & Tony Cilantro when Hardcore Holly pinned Nick Sinn.
Pre-Match Analysis: Charlie Haas and Hardcore Holly kick things off, tagging together against... a tag team already in the ring, Velocity alumnus Nick "Carnival Freak" Sinn and Tony Cilantro. Of course, I'm totally guessing on those spellings since these guys didn't even get a graphic with their names. Steve Romero gets a graphic with his name and the two wrestlers don't? Sick. Hardcore starts things off against Nick Sinn. The announcing starts off a bit rough, but I have hope.
Match Analysis: Hardcore and Sinn locked up, and Hardcore took down Sinn with a shoulder block, followed by a hip toss from Sinn. Hardcore quickly took the advantage with two bodyslams and a big suplex into a cover for two. Haas tagged in and went to work on Sinn. Haas tried to slam Haas's head into the turnbuckle, but got countered by Sinn. Cilantro tagged in, and Haas hit two deep Ricky Steamboat style armdrags into an arm submission. Cilantro got a quick advantage, but Haas managed to regain control and toss Cilantro to the outside, where Hardcore hit a brutal clothesline. Haas hit a slam on Cilantro for a short cover in the ring. Cilantro hit a big clothesline for a short time on offense, but Haas countered and threw Haas over the top rope. Hardcore tagged back in while Sinn checked on Hardcore on the outside Sinn tagged in and Hardcore went to work, but Sinn managed to send Hardcore into the corner where he hit a couple of chops. Romero referred to the chops as "backhands," and I think that looks like a bad sign for the amount of wrestling knowledge we're going to get from our latest Velocity announcer. Hardcore got a counter and hit his own much more effective chops in the opposite corner, hitting three consecutive chops before pointing up and hitting one last chop. Haas tagged in and worked on the solar plexus of Sinn, taking him down and hitting more kicks to that gut. Sinn got back up and hit a chop to Haas's chest, but Haas slammed Sinn's head into the corner and took control once more. Haas hit a modified T-bone suplex where Haas stayed in a standing position the whole time, which he signaled for by also pointing up. Is that the signal for every move? Hardcore tagged in and hit the Alabama Crunch crotch shot in the ropes before going up top and hitting his top rope clothesline. He looked for the crowd's approval, raising his arms up and down, and then signaling that he wanted Sinn to get up. Hardcore hit the Alabama Slam for the 1, 2, 3 pinfall. During this match, Josh Matthews also noted that Funaki was given the week off as a reward for being the new Cruiserweight Champion. I think that's code for "creative has nothing for you and hates the cruiserweight division."
Match Grade: C. Meh. A squash. Not a bad one, but not a super duper good one either. The fans were insanely behind Hardcore Holly for some reason. The highlight was Haas's standing T-bone suplex. The Carnival Freak definitely had a lot of personality and a unique look, looking like he was wearing eye makeup, and having dark hair in the type of ponytail that Chris Jericho used to wear his hair in, with "Carnival Freak" on his tights. Cilantro was a little more generic, but not bad at all and it's clearly difficult to show that much range in this type of match.
Oh God. They're going to show us the entire Armageddon Cena/Jesus Street Fight again. I'm speechless.
Up next: Daniel Puder versus Mike Mizanin, who is our next Tough Enough champion? Find out what everyone else found out during Smackdown, up next!
Promo time: One, oh one, the only way is one. I have no idea what that means, but I don't know what Creed was talking about most of the time anyway. In any case, that song is letting us know, along with video, that WWE Smackdown is heading back to Iraq this Thursday for a holiday show for the troops.
Commercial break: "Tight bod. Hard bod. I want your bod." Once again, someone apparently thinks WWE's market is mildly retarded and will buy anything as long as there's a hot woman talking about it, but they're hedging their bets and going after the gay demographic by showing hot sweaty half-naked guys. Hot women + half-naked dudes, much like WWE's own show philosophy.
WWE Body Slam of the Week: We saw a couple seconds of the Daniel Puder versus Josh Matthews... um, I mean, Mike Mizanin, Dixie Dog Fight boxing match at Armageddon, where Puder won a close fight via crowd response.
Smackdown last Thursday: We cut to the Tough Enough guys in the ring, where Al Snow announced Daniel Puder as the winner. Mizanin was clearly disappointed as Puder showed more enthusiasm than he has this entire contest. They let Puder talk on the mic, which is usually a bad idea, but he made it through with only mildly embarassing himself with comments that will probably ensure more poop in his bag in the locker room. Al Snow also informed Puder that he would be entered in the Royal Rumble match.
Up next: John Cena versus Jesus, with Carlito, from Armageddon. Which they also replayed on Smackdown. They really want you to know this sucked major ass.
Promo time: We saw interviews with the stars of Blade: Trinity from the red carpet, as well as quotes from director David Goyer. Triple H also talked himself up to the maximum. Wade Keller was right when he said that these stars must have been Christians who were asked to talk about Jesus and then had their quotes taken out of context to make it sound like they were about Triple H.
Commercial break: I have no idea what the phrase "Go ask Alice" has to do with the new Resident Evil movie on DVD, but the geniuses in marketing apparently thought it was super duper relevant.
WWE Rewind: Spike Dudley defended his Cruiserweight Championship against Funaki at Armageddon on Sunday. We saw some brief clips, including Funaki's sweet stomp onto Spike's chest when he was hung up in the corner backwards. Funaki picked up the victory, and we've got a new Cruiserweight Champion! You know, the one who the announcers on Smackdown didn't think was important enough to talk about and explain why he wasn't on the show this week. Great.
Armageddon last Sunday: John Cena has a new shirt that says "Ruck Fules." Ha ha, changing the spelling of a word so that you can make it sound like you're using swear words! Um, great. So, does he want to F rules and fools, and just can't spell "fools?" Cena also has a new personalized U.S. Championship with a faceplate that says "U.S." and spins like it's the latest record at the club. It would be kind of cool for a midcarder to wear, but this reeks of "not main event level." Carlito and his associate Jesus, who is rumored to be getting sent back to OVW, came out next. It's ironic that they were selling Cena's "stabbing" and "chain punching" injury in the kidney, while he was the only one of these three not injured. This was basically a glorified squash match. A long, long, glorified squash match. Cena started off on some strong offense, but Jesus got a quick advantage with a rake to the eyes. Carlito tried passing in a kendo stick and threw it to Jesus. Jesus went after Cena's kidney, but Cena quickly reversed and went after Jesus with that same kendo stick, yelling at Jesus "You're a dead man!" and pretty much breaking the kendo stick due to the force he was using in his blows. The fans were behind Cena in a huge way here, despite his goofy t-shirt which he was still wearing at this point in the match. Cena went after Carlito at one point, but Carlito ran to the stage as Cena yelled "You're next!" So now Cena is the new Goldberg. Cena threw a couple quick awful, awful looking jabs at Jesus as Jesus was behind the ring barrier. Cena left Jesus to go over to Carlito and challenge him to come down and face him. Cena took off his shirt and the teenage girls wearing braces went crazy! And... we're getting the rest of this match after the break. Un-freaking-believable. Two segments of this? Somebody shoot me. Please. No, better yet, shoot whoever thought this was a good idea.
Commercial break: Are you a pothead, focker? I'm telling you, always funny. The Meet the Parents sequel, Meet the Fockers, is out this week. Nothing says "Christmas" like a movie about a dude named Gaylord Focker and his family.
Armageddon last Sunday (continued): I think being forced to watch this match again is causing me physical my pain. My back. Ow, my back. We got Velocity promo copy read coming back from break. I'm sure this is the exact spot in the show that the sponsors want their promos read, when everyone watching is feeling deep, seething anger. Back from break, we didn't even get to see what happened with Cena and Carlito. You know, Carlito, the most entertaining one of these three. Cena went back to Jesus behind the ring barrier and hit a big kick, breaking open Jesus's head. Well, it was actually broken open by referee Nick Patrick blading him, but comme ci, comme ca. Due to the blood, we faded to black and white as Cena kept up the relentless assault on Jesus. The relentless... never ending... sleep inducing assault. Cena fought Jesus up into the stands and tried throwing Jesus over the railing to the cement below, which would have made this match at least a little noteworthy if Jesus took that bump, but Carlito attacked Cena from behind before running away. Cena dumped a garbage can full of stuff onto Jesus's head. Great, garbage for a garbage wrestling match. Carlito ran back over for some double team offense with Jesus on Cena, but Cena quickly did away with Carlito as they fought back over to the ring barrier. Cena got up on the ring barrier and jumped down to hit a bulldog on Jesus. Tazz and Cole pointed out that the only real offensive move Jesus has had this whole match was the shot with the kendo stick. Cena pulled out a trash can lid and a piece of metal from underneath the ring. Cole tried saying the sheet of metal was "steel" at first, before realizing how ridiculous that was and retracting the statement. Cena went to work with a shot from each of his weapons on Jesus. Cena pumped up his shoes and did the "You can't see me!" hand sign. Cena took up Jesus for the F.U. and turned over to Carlito as if to say "this is what I'm going to do to you." Cena hit the move and made the cover to pick up the victory. Thank God. It's over. Carlito went to grab the chain that Jesus and Carlito had stolen from Cena, but Cena stopped him. Carlito begged for mercy as Cena wrapped the steel chain around his chest and punched Carlito in the head. Cena spun his cutesy title plate on his belt and got bleeped for yelling something the FCC wouldn't approve of.
Up next: Good wrestling! Highlights from JBL versus Kurt freakin' Angle baby, whoooooo!
Promo time: Smackdown is coming soon to a town near you! Well, after the holidays. Hey, you aren't going to begrudge them some time to go eat turkey, play video games, watch football, and spend time with their families, are you? You are? Well, so be it.
Commercial break: We saw footage of Tara Cunningham, female Olympic weight lifter. Who's actually pretty hot. Nice. Um, well, the promo was for the United States Anti-Doping Agency. Wow, WWE running anti-steroid ads? If that's not irony, I don't know what is. OK, fine, I don't know what irony is, but that's still interesting. Spike TV is also apparently putting on an awards show for cars called "AutoRox." What? This sounds pretty unwatchable, but who knows. Also, the same guy who does voiceover work for WWE's Pay-Per-Views did a voiceover for Spike TV's Video Game Awards, and that's just confusing me.
Promo time: Go to WWEShop.com and WWE Auction to go piss away your money this holiday season!
Smackdown last Thursday: We joined JBL versus Kurt Angle. JBL had Angle up for a JBL Bomb, but Angle countered into a sunset flip, rolling through into an ankle lock. Orlando Jordan ran in, but Angle managed to angle his body to send Jordan over the top rope while keeping the hold locked in. The Bashams tried to run in for JBL, but Angle's entourage, Luther Reigns and Mark Jindrak, prevented their run-in. JBL was tapping out, but the referee had his back turned. Jordan came back, though, and hit Angle upside the head with the WWE Title belt. JBL made a cover for one, two, th-- but no! Angle kicked out and locked in the ankle lock again, taking it down into the lying down position. JBL was about to tap, but Orlando Jordan ran in for the intentional DQ. Chaos broke out as Reigns and Jindrak were taken down by the Bashams and Jordan, but then the Big Show's music hit for some reason. Yes, Big Show hates Kurt Angle for what seems like his entire career, and Show runs down and cleans house on JBL's cabinet and Angle's entourage. Big Show took Jordan into the F-5 position, hitting his version of said move, which Tazz refers to as "the F-500." Show made the international symbol around the waist to let the champ know he wants the belt.
(2) Paul London defeated Shannon Moore.
Pre-Match Analysis: Paul London! Thank God. Thank you for making this week's Velocity worth watching. London ran down to the ring and did a backflip off the bottom rope to show how hyped he was. Apparently we'll get this match after the break.
Promo time: This Monday night on Raw, the Best of Raw 2004! You'll even get the chance to see the main event of WrestleMania 20, which, believe me, was a sight to behold. I was watching this at the bar, and when Benoit won the belt as Triple H tapped out, the place came unglued. People were high fiving and screaming in joy and disbelief. Not so much at Benoit winning, I think, but at Triple H losing to anyone. Shock!
Commercial break: Too bad that Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events isn't supposed to be very loyal to the books or that good. Still, I hear that Jim Carrey managed to be marvelous, and the ubiquitous Jude Law provides droll, pessimistic narration. I would be remiss not to mention this ad for swords. Because, you know, everyone needs Xena's sword. I always knew Xena had a sword. What? She did!
Promo time: We saw the clip with the old Air Force dude talking about last year's WWE Christmas in Baghdad. Despite all the jokes I've made, this is truly an amazing thing that WWE is doing for the troops, and I can't wait to see how the show turns out this year. God bless the troops, and God bless America this holiday season.
Pre-Match Analysis (continued): Back from the break, Shannon Moore was finishing his entrance. Gee, I wonder who's going to win this match.
Match Analysis: Moore and London circled one another as London clapped to try to get the crowd into it, though they didn't offer much response. They locked up, and Moore took London into the corner. We got a clean break. London got a hammerlock, but Moore countered into his own hammerlock. London rolled through into a wristlock, but Moore manged to roll out and messed up a kip up, but gracefully recovered and applied a side headlock. London rolled sideways to slam Moore to the match, but Moore re-applied a side headlock. Moore hit a shoulder block, but London grabbed "the Prince of Punk's" ankle to take him down. They had another back and forth series of headlock exchanges. Romero talked on commentary about Moore's "2 B Me" philosophy. London and Moore went for a test of strength before trading stiff kicks to one another. London got the advantage and took Moore down to the mat. Moore kept kicking out. Moore held onto the test of knucklelock and jumped up to the top rope, jumping off and tossing London in a sweet exchange. Moore and London locked up. London tried attacking, but Moore flipped over London's prone body. London hit a nice heel kick, prompting Moore to roll to the outside. Moore hit a clothesline on the outside and rammed London's body into the side of the ring. Moore sent London back into the ring. Moore slammed London and made a cover for a kickout at two. Moore applied a rear naked choke, but London tried standing up. He sold this beautifully, stumbling while trying to stand to show that his strength was being sapped by this hold. He waved his right arm to try to get the fans into it, but the fans were slow to respond before finally giving some quietly grudging approval. Moore hit a chop to London's chest, but London sent Moore into the corner. London hopped over Moore and tried climbing the ropes, but Moore hit London before he could make it to the top, leading to London getting hung up on that top rope and putting London in the Tree of Woe. Moore hit a boot to the chest and Moore tried climbing the ropes to take london down, but London hit a reverse German suplex from the Tree of Woe position! Freaking sweet! We got a double ten count, but London got to his feet first as Moore was trying to climb up using the ropes. London attacked with forearms, and Matthews said it was as if the match was restarting. London hung up Moore on the ropes, hitting stiff kicks to Moore's body hanging from the top rope. London finished up with a dropsault. Moore got off the ropes and London attacked in the middle of the ring for a two and a half count. Moore got some offense and hit a modified running Mooregasm into a cover for two. Moore whipped London into the corner. London jumped over Moore, but Moore was able to trip London up. Moore seemed to be in control, but London got a small package out of nowhere for a three count victory.
Match Grade: B+. A solid match, particularly in the latter half, but not enough to save this show. The way the match started off, with restholds galore, it felt like a parody of WWE "New Style." It was like someone had been watching Paul London's great recent matches and told him that he needed to "slow it down" and "tell a story" and other buzzwords for "stop showing up the heavyweights, jerk." The commentary was marginally better here than earlier in the show, but only marginally, and that was largely thanks to Josh, although I appreciated Romero's discussion of the whole "2 B Me" Shannon Moore thing, as well as being the one to use the term "Prince of Punk." As the match progressed, we got one of those Ring of Honor style kick exchanges, and a few other sweet spots, most notably London's modified German suplex from the tree of woe position, as well as Moore's nice mini-Mooregasm.
Show Grade: C. Blah. That last match was good, but this whole show was lacking much energy. It's like everyone went on vacation early. It was even worse knowing that there was a Nunzio versus Chad Collyer dark match that they could have shown from the Smackdown tapings, but they'd rather show us the John Cena versus Jesus match for the third time. And only two matches? Miserable. Absolutely miserable. Wait, the match they've already shown twice gets two segments? My mind boggles at what happened on this show. However, I think that a lot of the blame for this show not turning the corner despite having a solid main event has to do with the subpar announcing. Josh was off his game, and Steve Romero just isn't there yet, and he isn't showing any reason to believe he'll get there. Bill DeMott and Josh Matthews had a natural chemistry, like the best of Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler from a few years back, and that chemistry just wasn't there with Matthews and Romero. Here's hoping that they ship Romero off to AfterBurn or the Bottom Line and bring back Bill DeMott ASAP.
Thanks for tuning in this week. I'm sorry for this show. Tune in next week as we take a shortened look at the second annual Smackdown in Iraq show. Until next time, do good works, remember to smile, and MERRY CHRISTMAS~!
Mike Roe is the junior WWE Velocity reviewer for PWTorch.com. He's also a Gumgod Pledge and the president of the Dusty Giebink fan club, Dusty's Finishers. He also writes regularly on all sorts of fun stuff on his blog, Tap Out. If you have questions, comments, complaints, or just want a warm body to talk to, drop me a line at email@example.com or find me on the Torch VIP forum.
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