Mike Roe, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Smackdown review
March 10, 2005
Taped on 3/8/2005 in Roanoke, VA
Aired on UPN
Report by Mike Roe, Torch Team Contributor

In a nutshell: JBL cuts yet another five star promo, and John Cena isn't happy with Smackdown General Manager Theodore Long!

But first! Coming at you like an Italian convoy, it's time for Raw Is Trivial!

***

Taped in front of a Ticketmaster location, Raw Is Trivial!

Good evening wrestling fans and SmackDown watchers. I'm sure it's quite obvious why I'm standing here in front of some practically deserted mall. I'm going to set a record. I'm going to be the only person able to get WrestleMania 22 tickets at a Ticketmaster. Oh sure, you can have your high-tech on-line buying or your fancy touch-tone telephones, but I'm a gamer. My wife will understand; I'm doing this for her. I'm doing the wait. But, how did I get here?

When my wife and I were just going out, she picked up on the sad fact that I'm a wrestling fan - WWF/E in particular. Therefore, she would make sure to call every Saturday night when Shotgun was still in its heyday. (Monday Night Raw was a no-no when it came to phone calls.) She kinda got into it after awhile. She likes the Undertaker. Chris Jericho. Edge, when he had the bad teeth. She thinks Kurt Angle sucks. Never got into the Hardy Boys hype. She's a fan of Trish. Sort of likes Lita.

We moved to Greenville, Mississippi in 1998. We had no cable but her relatives did...and they liked WCW. Ugh. No WWF allowed in their home, "that show looks so fake". I didn't want to explain the whole "wrestling's no longer about smoky arenas" deal because they didn't want to hear anything about it. WWF "looked too fake".
Together, the Mrs. and I saw a grand total of one whole wrestling show. Power Pro Wrestling's first shot in town, about a mile from our house. One look at Lance Jade and she fell all over herself in lust. I was a Derrick King fan (picture old NWA jobber Rocky King doing WWF gimmicks like "Heartbreak Kid") and cheered him; she accused me of just booing guys she liked. This wasn't going to be easy.

I told her I went to WrestleMania 13, she thought that was pretty cool. She had me make a promise to her that anytime a Raw or SmackDown comes to Chicago, I had to take her. I went one better and said let's wait for a PPV; that way most of the action will be in the vicinity of the ring instead of behind the dressing room doors. (They don't bring the Titantron to Rosemont/Allstate Arena, so you're staring up into the upper reaches of the scoreboard to see backstage shenanigans.)

Back to 1999, our first opportunity for a live PPV. "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" was coming February 14th. No tickets, how disappointing. We made plans as she dropped me off for work Saturday night for a 12-hour shift; dinner and "Blast From The Past" at the movies the next night. (She may like the Undertaker, but she loves Brendan Frasier.) Oh, did I mention my wife was pregnant at the time? We made the plans anyway.
So did my daughter, who was born that Sunday afternoon. No PPV for us.

We moved back "home" in 2000. I took her to a Windy City show and she was one of the biggest Robby Dawber fans. I found out why; she literally bumped into him on the way from the bathroom. SmackDown house show later that month, where on every glimpse of the Undertaker, she grabbed my leg like she was trying to cripple me.

So, now you know why I'm here in line. So, while I wait, here's Raw Is Trivial!

Hulk Hogan, you heard of him, right? Some sort of champion in 1984. Well, after he won the WWF title from the Iron Sheik, he took a two-week tour of the New Japan promotion with a few WWF guys in tow. He wrestled a few non-title matches, but mainly stuck to tags. My question to you is: Who did Hogan team with for this tour? Was it...
a) SD "Special Delivery" Jones
b) "The Master of the Scorpion Clawhold" Rene Goulet
c) The Masked Superstar
d) Bob Backlund
e) "Iron" Mike Sharpe

***

"Iron" Mike Sharpe references? Love that! On to the show!

We started off with a recap of Cena talking about how sick he was of JBL, and how he was going to take on JBL's Chief of Staff, Orlando Jordan, defending his U.S. Title. We saw JBL telling Jordan to restore integrity to something around here, with the semi-racist comment JBL made in that promo nicely edited out. Jordan made use of the Cabinet and JBL to pick up the U.S. Title. The best part about this was JBL doing the "You can't see me!" motion on the ramp and spinning the title belt.

*** Back in the now, JBL came out with his Cabinet. Orlando Jordan had the U.S. Title, and JBL again spun the belt plate and did the "You can't see me!" motion in front of Jordan's face. One of the Bashams was also carrying a steel briefcase. We saw a graphic letting us know that, later tonight, JBL and Orlando Jordan will be challenging for Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero's tag title belts. The fans slowly started too boo as the Cabinet stood in the ring. JBL talking about how the Cabinet had done something "so freaking awesome" every week, that they always had to come out and let the fans relish in what they had done. JBL said that tonight they would celebrate a man who represented everything the Cabinet stands for: greatness, dignity, courage, and respect. He said that that man destroyed John Cena single-handedly last week, and that man is the U.S. Champion, Orlando Jordan! Orlando was actually sporting earrings this week. Blinging it up! Jordan smiled and held up the belt, spinning the title plate as the fans chanted for Cena. JBL said that Virginia was a little backward, and they were chanting for the loser, but instead they should be chanting "O.J.!" JBL continued to refer to Orlando Jordan as "O.J." and talked about how Jordan grew up in the inner city, and was tired of being one of the fans watching the action, so he turned his back on his friends and family to achieve greatness. JBL said that tonight the fans would see that greatness has no bounds, and they will see all the gold come to the Cabinet. JBL asserted that he is a wrestling god, and that gods must be adorned with gold. JBL mocked the pronunciation of Eddie Guerrero's name, taking a subtle jab at the Mexican tag champs, and talked about how JBL and Jordan would be challenging for the belts. JBL talked about how the people would learn the meaning of class tonight, and why "common people" don't stand there with championships. JBL asked Jordan what he was carrying, as Jordan continued to spin it. JBL called it a "bling bling sideshow" and talked about kids putting money into the hubcaps of their cars instead of their education. JBL said that he was disgusted, and that it went against the tradition of sports entertainment, and therefore must be destroyed. JBL sent the Bashams to get "the trash can and the stairs." As the Bashams did this, the fans once again chanted for Cena. JBL said that the fans would understand why it is sometimes best for the rich to keep the common man down. Reaganomics, baby! JBL said that the U.S. Title belt Jordan was holding represents everything he hates and finds reprehensible, and how it represents John Cena, and therefore must be destroyed. In a great line, JBL said "John Cena talks about street cred? I own the damn streeet!" JBL put the belt into the trash can to major boos. One of the Bashams held him a remote control, and when he activated both switches, the U.S. Title went up in a major display of pyro. JBL said that he had something flown in from WWE headquarters that was worthy of Orlando Jordan, and revealed, from inside the steel briefcase, the original U.S. Title, from before Cena blinged it out. Jordan held it up as JBL put him over. JBL and Jordan stood up on the steel steps and held their titles high, in a great visual. The Bashams stood at the side and applauded. We saw a replay of the Cena version of the belt going up in smoke.

Up next: A no disqualification match between... Booker T and Heidenreich! God, help me to accept the things I cannot change. Apparently, since they had each been disqualified in recent weeks, we have to watch them wrestle again.

(Commercial break.)

Promo time: We saw the excellent Eugene commercial parody of Forrest Gump for WrestleMania 21. I actually saw a WrestleMania commercial at the movie theater this weekend during Regal Cinemas' "the Twenty," a program which I must get to the theater in time for, despite the fact that it's a giant advertisement. Yes, I know I'm crazy.

*** We saw Josh Mathews standing outside, awaiting the arrival of John Cena. You could see his breath in the air due to the cold. That's just harsh. Get that man a scarf or something. I'm sure he has a pink one in his collection.

(1) Booker T defeated Heidenreich in a no disqualification match at 7:13. The finish came after a steel chair shot to the head from Booker T to Heidenreich.

Pre-match analysis: Booker T made his entrance, and even the announcers didn't have much to say due to the fact that this match is going to suck. A lot. Cole said this would be "a very physical matchup," which is code for the fact that there aren't going to be many wrestling moves, because Heidenreich doesn't know any. We saw a clip of Smackdown last Thursday, where Booker grabbed the chair that Heidenreich brought into the match and DDT'd Heidenreich onto it, leading to a disqualification. Heidenreich marched out to his genius entrance music, pointing at Booker and making sure the ref kept him away while Heidenreich entered the ring.

Match analysis: Heidenreich and Booker got to work, and Heidenreich had the early advantage with a series of punches and kicks. Heidenreich hit a clubbing blow to the back of Booker T's neck. Heidenreich boxed Booker in the abdomen in the corner, then whipped him into the other corner. Heidenreich went in, but Booker caught him with a back elbow. Booker went to work on Heidenreich in another corner with a couple backhands and punches, but Heidenreich started to fight back and escape. Heidenreich hit a side slam and covered, but only a two count before Booker kicked out. As Booker tried to claw his way up in the corner, Booker punched him to try to keep him down, then choked him in the ropes. He yelled "I ain't stopping!" since this is a no DQ match. Heidenreich did stop, though, and started punching Booker on the mat and talking trash. Heidenreich stepped back and held his arms out to a chorus of boos. Heidenreich threw a couple punches here and there as Booker stood, but Booker started battling back with a mix of backhands and chops. Booker hit a low blow kick, sending Heidenreich down to the mat. Michael Cole compared it to a field goal kick. Booker went to the outside and hit a couple of big blows to Heidenreich's head from the outside. Booker tried to bounce Heidenreich's head off the announce table, but Heidenreich stopped Booker and slammed Booker's head into the table. Heidenreich grabbed a steel chair, but Booker kicked him before he could use the chair. Heidenreich threw Booker into the steel ringpost, then clotheslined him over the ring barrier into the crowd area. Heidenreich attacked him there, then knocked him back to the other side of the barrier as the fans started a "Booker T" chant. Heidenreich threw Booker into the ring and made the cover, but Booker kicked out. The announcers talked about Heidenreich's building frustration. Booker came back with a flying forearm off the ropes, followed by a clothesline and a spinebuster. For about the third time in the match, Cole declared it was "the turning point of the matchup." Heidenreich came back after some more Booker offense with a big clothesline, which Booker sold with a spin bump. Heidenreich left the ring and grabbed Tony Chimel's chair, holding it high over his head to a chorus of boos from the fans. He threw it into the ring under the bottom rope and began to stand over the chair, but before he could stand, Booker hit the scissors kick. This was much more natural than the usual way he hits that move. Booker hit a sidekick to Heidenreich's sternum and picked up the chair, yelling out a Paul London like primal scream. He slammed the chair against the mat, then hit Heidenreich upside the head with the steel chair and made the cover, hooking the leg to gain a three count.

Post-match analysis: Tazz put over Booker's physicality after the match. They played the steel chair shot in slow motion, and it made Booker's yell sound like a dinosaur roar. They played it again in real time so you could hear the crack of the steel chair against Heidenreich's head.

Match grade: B. Nothing special, but not bad, either. A solid TV stipulation match. Heidenreich was definitely meant to be a brawler. Still, it would have been nice if they'd done a little more to hype up this match other than just vaguely mentioning there were DQ's during their last two matches and showing about five seconds of footage from last week. Couldn't we at least get a Heidenreich poem?

Promo time: Speaking of dinosaur roars, we heard some more of those while they showed Batista posing in the first WrestleMania commercial to focus on a specific match. The commercial talked about the animal being unleashed, and had some of a Triple H promo on the audio track too, as well as highlights from their feud. WrestleMania's on the way baby, whoo!

(Commercial break: Trish Stratus supplements her diet with Stacker 2 XPLC. And Lita supplements her diet with... naaah, too easy.)

Back from break, we got the usual shot of outside the arena, and then we saw a recap of Randy Orton's challenge on Raw. The Legend Killer is back, and he's going after the legend of the Undertaker and his WrestleMania streak! Tazz talked about the Legend Killer versus the Legend, and Cole talked about how excited he was for the Undertaker's response.

*** Smackdown General Manager Theodore Long was on his cell phone in his office, talking about how he didn't know what would happen when John Cena showed up. Carlito knocked on Long's door and came in and Long hung up his call. Carlito complained about being sick all week after Long made him shovel snow last week, but Long said that was Carlito's fault. Long talked to Carlito about Orton's challenge, and when Carlito asked what that had to do with Carlito, Long said that he was sending Carlito to get the Undertaker's response. Carlito reacted in outrage, but Long said that, if Carlito didn't find the Undertaker, he'll have to find a new job, because he won't have one with Smackdown. Carlito grudgingly accepted his fate and stormed off.

*** Backstage, Rey Mysterio filmed Eddie Guerrero's new License to Steal shirt, a parody of Grand Theft Auto. Chavo came in and wished them luck, since JBL said the Cabinet was going after all the gold. Chavo said that he didn't want that to happen, or else he would be the only Guerrero with gold. He seemed somewhat disingenuous as he rubbed his Cruiserweight Title. Chavo said that isn't what grandma would want, and in a funny line, Eddie said "That isn't what our grandma wants, that isn't what your (pointing to Rey) grandma wants, that isn't what anybody's grandma wants!" After Chavo left, Eddie and Rey briefly talked in Spanish and called Chavo "loco." Eddie asked what was up with Chavo, and Rey said that Chavo was Eddie's nephew, but Eddie said that wasn't his fault. Good point.

*** Josh Mathews was still on the parking ramp, waiting for John Cena. I swear, once you become a main eventer, does it just become impossible to arrive at an arena on time? Unless you're Triple H and need to cut a twenty minute promo, of course.

(Commercial break.)

*** Carlito was shown with his apple, wandering backstage in a dark hallway looking for the Undertaking and calling for him. "Undertaker? Undertaker? D-Dead Man?" When the lights went out, Carlito screamed like a girl. It was great, and the crowd erupted in laughter. The janitor turned the lights back on and apologized. Carlito let out a string of angry Spanish.

(2) Mark Jindrak defeated Luther Reigns at 2:30. The finish came after a left hook from Mark Jindrak.

Pre-match analysis: Luther Reigns was shown walking down to the ring, but in a nice spot, you saw Mark Jindrak run up behind Reigns while he was still on the ramp and attacking. Jindrak went after Reigns in the ring, but Reigns knocked Jindrak off the apron.

Match analysis: Jindrak got up and crawled in the ring to officially start the match. This one was off like a shot, with both men going at each other aggressively. Reigns hit a back bodydrop and stole a page from Jindrak's book with a pair of elbow drops. He made a cover, but Jindrak kicked out. Reigns stood over Jindrak and hit several crossfaces to Jindrak. Reigns applied a submission to Jindrak's left arm, a reverse armbar, tweaking the rotator cuff. Jindrak tried pushing off the mat to turn it around, which he did, getting to a vertical base and getting out of the cold. Reigns hit a shot to Jindrak's kidneys, but Jindrak fired back with a flying clothesline. He followed up with a cuople shots to Reigns' gut, but Reigns came back with a kick to the gut. Jindrak hit a kick to the midsection, followed by a back elbow, a clothesline, and a standing dropkick. Jindrak hit a flying crossbody to Reigns in the corner. Jindrak flew off the top rope with a flying crossbody into a cover, but Reigns kicked out. Reigns hit a high elbow out of the corner, but Jindrak hit his big left hand to knock out Reigns. Worst... finisher... ever.

Post-match analysis: Jindrak sold the impact on his left hand. Tazz put over Jindrak's left hook, which I still think is pretty sucktastic.

Match grade: C+. Super short, but Jindrak seems to be a more natural fit as an energetic young babyface. It wasn't long enough to be much of anything, but it wasn't bad while it lasted. It wasn't encouraging to see Reigns getting absolutely buried like that, though, losing clean to someone who previously seemed to be at the same level on the card. It's things like this that make fans lose faith in wrestling, because they don't believe there's anything to stop their favorite wrestler from suddenly getting made to look like a joke.

*** Backstage, Josh Mathews ran after Cena and tried interviewing him. Cena was wearing his blurred "Ruck Fules!" hat and a "Chain Gang Soldier" jersey, and he was carrying a lead pipe. Mathews asked Cena about what JBL said in the ring earlier tonight, but Cena said he would deliver his message for JBL in the ring. Mathews slammed the pipe into the door of the arena as he walked inside.

(Commercial break.)

*** As Cena came to the ring, he slammed his steel pipe into the ring steps repeatedly. He had a shorter haircut, reminiscent of his days as the Prototype in OVW. He looked far more intense than he usually does as well. He told the sound guys to "kill the noise," so they cut his music. Cena said that it has been brought to his attention that he has something in common with JBL: "We both like to break things." Cena said it seems like JBL likes to break titles, but Cena likes to break faces. Cena yelled at JBL and the Cabinet to get their "asses" (bleeped, of course) to come out, so they could "handle this" right now. Cena was on fire here, and was truly carrying himself as a main eventer. Cena said that JBL was probably in the back hiding behind their rent-a-cops. Cena told them to leave the cops with their coffee and donuts and to come to the ring because they had some "business." Cean said that he knew what it is: "It's about the title, isn't it?" Cena told JBL not to worry about the title. Cena talked about how JBL had destroyed the United States Title, but at WrestleMania, Cena is going to get JBL's "shine." Yay for learning new lingo! Cena once again told JBL and the Cabinet to come out and held up his pipe in a batter's up position, but Theodore Long's music hit instead and our GM made his way to the ring.

Long told him to hold on, and that while he understood Cena was a little "razzle dazzled" (Cena reacted with the confusion that this phrase deserves), Long said he couldn't have Cena destroy JBL and the Cabinet because he has a main event tag title match. However, he said he was willing to sign a rematch for the U.S. Title between Orlando Jordan and John Cena. The fans reacted happily, but Cena wasn't having it. Long said that he couldn't have Cena destroying his WrestleMania main event. Long said that Cena has a right to avenge himself, but not until WrestleMania. Cena accused Long of taking JBL's aside and not letting him handle his business "like a man." Long said he isn't taking anyone's side. Cena dismissively called Long "playa" in a sing song voice, and asked if Long was going to let him get a shot at the four members of JBL's Cabinet. Cena put down his pipe and said that you're either part of the problem or part of the solution. Cena told Long that he was part of the problem and picked him up and hit the FU. Cena did the "You can't see me!" and headed to the back with his pipe.

(Commercial break.)

***

Raw Is Trivial: Answer Time!

Time to put the chalk down and step away from the blackboard. We're going to see how you did.
If you picked a). You're kinda close but kinda wrong.
If you picked b), you need some serious help. That clawhold doesn't make a legend.
Did you choose c)? He was Hogan's first title defense and would have won if he wasn't caught slipping a foreign object into his mask.
The letter d) is way off, as Backlund was forced from the promotion by then.
Which means the only correct answer is e) "Iron" Mike Sharpe. Hogan and Sharpe stormed New Japan and beat everybody in their path.
Another fun fact, in a six-man match overseas, they teamed with some kid named Bret Hart.

That's it for Trivial this week. Tune in this and every Thursday for more of the same. Now, back to Mike and the exciting conclusion of SmackDown! (Click to switch pages.)

***

As my main man, the "Supreme" Seth Berger, so concisely pointed out, you can either click on the link down below or go back to click on the link on the main page for more of that sweet, succulent Express taste! It's as good as chocolate, without the calories!

*** Mike Roe now does the Smackdown Express reviews each and every week for PWTorch.com. He does this for all the readers who would rather watch something coherent like a new episode of the O.C. and then read the recap later. Bastards! He can be contacted at mikeroe@gmail.com if you have something to say.

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