TV REPORTS KELLER'S SMACKDOWN REPORT 5/12: Ongoing "virtual time" analysis of broadcast
May 12, 2005 - 9:00:00 PM
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By Wade Keller, Torch editor
MAY 12, 2005
TAPED TUESDAY IN READING, PA.
-After clips of last week's big angle with Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero, Michael Cole and Tazz introduced the show.
-Eddie Guerrero came out to new intro music, more heelish sounding to avoid getting pops. He sat down on a chair in mid-ring. He got emotional as he said he never touched Rey Mysterio and look at what he made him do. He said Rey had been stealing his energy, but now he has it all back and he likes it that way. "I like what I'm feeling, Rey," he said. He added that nobody will ever take away his Latino Heat again. He advised Rey against making his return at Judgment Day. "Remember, right now, I have your blood on my hands," he said. "At Judgment Day, if you come back, I'll have your life." Great heel promo. The lighting in the ring made everything seem even more sinister.
1 -- HEIDENREICH vs. SPIKE DUDLEY
Before the match he brought a boy into the ring and asked if he would be his friend. He beat Spike quickly, then celebrated with the boy inside the ring. The segment was a little creepy. It's sad that WWE writers have shifted Heidenreich from Michael Cole Rapist to Man Who Wants Little Boys As Friends without any character transition. How did he go from being attracted to dorky announcers (who lifts weight, by the way, in case you didn't see him in that Taxi Driver spoof) to 10 year old boys?
WINNER: Heidenreich at 0:45.
STAR RATING: 1/4* -- From Cruiserweight Champ to jobber for Heidenreich, not a great year for Spike. He should be saved for a role on the ECW PPV rather than wasted in a spot that could be reserved for any ROH main eventer instead.
-Booker T made out with Sharmell behind the scenes, and even spanked her while they made out. They were very randy and giggly. Get a room folks. Oh way, they were in their room. How about getting the voyeuristic cameraman out of there, then. Kind of a pointless segment.
-Chavo Guerrero talked to MNM backstage about the Eddie-Rey situation. Chavo said he was shocked by Eddie's viciousness last week. Mercury said Eddie is not to be messed with. They also talked about teaming together against Paul London and two partners of his choice later in the show.
-Cole and Tazz talked about the TV main event between Kurt Angle and Booker T. They went to clips of last week's angles between Angle, Booker T, and Mrs. T.
-Josh Matthews interviewed Angle backstage, asking him if his actions last week were unbecoming an Olympic Gold Medalist. Angle said she hit him first. He said everyone has their vices, and his is gutter sluts like Booker's wife. He said he may have a psychological disorder, but he wants to have sex with his wife. "I'm not just talking any kind of sex with your wife, I'm talking that kind of bestiality sex with your wife, perverted sex." Well, that's good to know.
-The ECW One Night Stand PPV commercial aired.
2 -- PAUL LONDON & HARDCORE HOLLY & CHARLIE HAAS vs. MNM (Mercury & Nitro w/Melina)
Cole and Tazz put over how tough Holly was to the point that fans had to be wondering why, if he's so tough, he doesn't win any titles. London worked some spots early. Haas took a beating during the body of the match. He hot tagged Holly at 4:00. London then tagged in and dove off the ropes onto two opponents. Chavo scored the pin on London with his feet on the second rope for leverage.
WINNERS: MNM at 5:50.
STAR RATING: *
-JBL entered the ring and announced the re-release of his book, "Have More Money Now." He said unbiased reviews have said his book is the best written book since the Bible. He talked about John Cena's 15 minutes of fame being about up. He talked about all of the beating he's taken over the past year, but never having said I Quit. He said he is incapable of saying that. He said when Cena says I Quit, it will mean he owns his soul. Cena ran to the ring and brawled with JBL. Orlando Jordan and The Bashams attacked Cena. A big pullapart brawl broke out with the undercard workers trying to pry everyone apart. The crowd chanted "Cena, Cena." Solid segment. JBL is always good on the mic. Cena showed great fighting spirit and determination.
3 -- EDDIE GUERRERO vs. JIMMY JACOBS
Guerrero brought Rey's ripped mask to the ring with him and left it on the ringpost. He was distracted by it, so he grabbed it and yelled, "Why! Why did you make me do this?" He put the mask on Jacobs and then viciously punched away at him. The ref begged Eddie to let the mask go. Guerrero refused and suplexed Jacobs onto a chair inside the ring. He screamed at the mask afterward that Rey better not show up at Judgment Day or his kids won't have a daddy.
WINNER: Jacobs at 3:00 via DQ.
STAR RATING: * -- The match did a good job getting across Guerrero's crazy state of mind. It's about time an ROH regular gets a win over a WWE wrestler, but who would have thought it'd be Jacobs?
-Cole and Tazz ran down the three matches announced thus far for Judgment Day: Rey Mysterio vs. Eddie Guerrero, Booker T vs. Kurt Angle, and JBL vs. John Cena.
-They replayed John Cena's "Bad, Bad Man" music video spoof on The A-Team series from the 1980s.
4 -- MATT MORGAN vs. FUNAKI
Morgan made fun of the way Funaki talks before the match. When Morgan asked him if he could "see what he was saying," Funaki poked him in the eye to jump-start the match. Morgan quickly took Funaki down with a boot to the face and eventually planted him with his finisher.
WINNER: Morgan at 1:15.
STAR RATING: 1/4* -- Just another squash on Morgan's route to eventually facing a formidable babyface opponent.
-Booker told Sharmell to stay backstage as he got revenge on Angle for talking about her in a vulgar manner earlier.
-Carlito's Cabana: Carlito said big things happen on his Cabana, so it's appropriate that the biggest wrestler is his guest. Big Show walked out. Carlito said he wanted to have back-up, and invited him to be his bodyguard. Show asked if he wanted him to play second banana to him. Carlito said, "We don't do bananas around here. We do applies." Carlito then made fun of photos of Show dressed up for the sumo match at WrestleMania. He told him having his ass hanging out isn't cool. He said together they'd be unstoppable. Show said he is right, they would be unstoppable together. He said along he has held every major championship there is. "But Carlito, I play seconds to no one," he said. "I need you like I need a bigger shoe size. So as far as your offer goes, it's definitely not cool." Carlito said he left him no other choice. He pulled an apple out and hesitated before taking a bite from it. Show then grabbed him by his throat and began eating it himself. He began cringing and then collapsed, as apparently Show the apple was poisonous. "Carlito knew you weren't smart enough to know what a good offer he was making you," Carlito said. "It takes one bad apple to spoil the bunch. It looks like you had that one bad apple. And that's cool." Carlito then began kicking Show. Then he dumped apples on him and left.
-After replaying the Carlito-Show angle, Cole said that Show had been taken to a hospital to have his stomach pumped.
5 -- KURT ANGLE vs. BOOKER T
Booker went after Angle fast to start the match. When it went to ringside, the ref stepped in and distracted Booker, giving Angle a chance to take control. Booker came back at 3:00 and hit Angle with a barrage of punches. Angle rolled out of the ring. At 4:30, when Angle had Booker down after an Angle Slam, rather than go for a pin, ran backstage to look for Booker's wife. Angle then found Booker's wife and went inside and closed the door. Sharmell began screaming. Booker ran in to save her. She was curled up in the corner of the room. Angle jumped Booker from behind as Sharmell continued to scream. Angle threw Booker into the lockers three times. Sharmell screamed, "Why?! Why?!" Angle left. The most painful element of that segment wasn't Booker's head hitting the lockers, it was Sharmell's blood curdling non-stop screaming.
WINNER: No contest at 5:00.
STAR RATING: * -- Fine start to a match, but it's main point was to give Angle a moment alone with Sharmell.
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