TV REPORTS KELLER'S SMACKDOWN REPORT 9/23: Ongoing "virtual time" analysis of broadcast
Sep 23, 2005 - 9:03:00 PM
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By Wade Keller, Torch editor
SEPTEMBER 23, 2005
TAPED TUESDAY IN LUBBOCK, TEXAS
-Michael Cole and Tazz introduced the program as Booker T's ring entrance took place. They plugged the TV main event of Eddie Guerrero & Batista vsd. MNM (w/Sharmell).
United Spirit Arena at Texas Tech University - Lubbock, Tex.
1 -- BOOKER T (w/Sharmell) vs. CHRISTIAN
Cole welcomed viewers to "the show that is changing TV on Friday nights." He said Smackdown has "all of your TV viewing experience wrapped up into one here: Action, drama, adventure, suspense, of course comedy." Nothing was done to set the stage for this match other than a few comments from Cole during Christian's ring intro. It felt really flat to just throw it out there without much context. Sharmell cheered on Booker for a comeback as Christian settled into dominating offense after an opening flurry by Booker. Tazz suggested Cole's wife come out and cheer him on to help him do a better job. Christian went for a pin with his feet on the middle rope. Sharmell alerted the referee. At 5:00 they collided mid-ring with a double clothesline. Booker made a comeback at 8:00 with a Book End, but when he made the cover, Sharmell was complaining to the ref about Christian's attempt a moment earlier to remove the turnbuckle pad. Booker did the Spinaroonie, but Christian grabbed the ref to block a wheel kick. Christian then thumbed Booker in the eye and threw him shoulder-first into the ringpost. Christian followed up with a backbreaker and a near fall at 9:00. Sharmell grabbed Christian's leg as he bounced into the ropes leading to Booker scoring the pin with a roll-up. Cole pointed out that neither the ref nor Booker saw what Sharmell did. Booker asked Sharmell what happened; she said it didn't matter because he won.
WINNER: Booker at 9:26.
STAR RATING: *3/4 -- Basic stuff. Not electric by any means, but not bad.
-Backstage Teddy Long and Palmer the Network Guy checked with Eddie Guerrero. Guerrero grabbed his abdomen and said he had intense cramps and didn't know if he could team with Batista later. Guerrero was over the top but entertaining. He then ran out of the room and made vomiting noises.
-Jillian Hall introduced JBL, saying he rides taller in the saddle than Sam Houston. Her tumor seemed more realistic this week than in the past. It felt less like a 59 cent Halloween glue-on out of a novelty store discount binge and more of a professional make-up job. JBL rode a horse to the ring, but looked nervous and off-balance. Someone led the horse for him. Cole said a real cowboy doesn't ride a horse with guidance from someone on the ground. He got off the horse, gained his confidence, and saluted the crowd. JBL cut a promo about how great New York is, then said Texas is great, too, because it is the birthplace of JBL. He called his cowboy get-up "Presidential Casual," then added anti-George Bush comments: "Although I am more decisive and speak fluent English." He added, "From MSG to Texas Tech, arenas still chant my name," as he went into his best (unintended?) Rock mannerisms. He said Texas does not like people who come into the country in the dark of night. There were some boos. He said he struck a nerve with some locals. He said those who wear masks are hiding from the immigration department. He said Texas is a place where fathers don't lie to sons. He pledged to do what he has to do because he is what he says he is, "and I am a Wrestling God." He went into orgasm face as he said that. Cole said Jillian Hall has solved his confidence problems.
-Cole and Tazz plugged Ken Kennedy vs. Rey Mysterio and an LOD match.
-A commercial aired for the Ultimate Warrior DVD.
2 -- ANIMAL & HEIDENREICH vs. JARRED STEELE & ANTHONY GALETTY
Heidrenich's make-up looked more like La Parka than Hawk this week. LOD won easily with a Doomsday Device. Tazz asked, "Where else on a Friday night can you see a guy get damn well decapitated." He said he used to hate Friday nights, but now he loves it because of Smackdown.
WINNERS: LOD at 1:01.
STAR RATING: 1/4*
-Sylvain scolded Christy Hemme and Stacy Keibler for trying to steal his thunder. He insulted their clothes. Hardcore Holly walked in and said he might be able to give him some fashion advice. He said he has the black boots, black knee pads, and black trunks, but he's missing something - a black eye. He said he'd give it to him in their match.
3 -- SYLVAIN vs. HARDCORE HOLLY
They showed photos of Sylvain in his younger days as a model. Sylvain dominated the first half of the match with aggressive offense. Holly came back with a high dropkick. They went back and forth until Holly punched Sylvain in the face, leading to Sylvain taking a powder and getting intentionally counted out. Christy and Stacy congratulated Holly.
WINNER: Holly at 4:28 via countout.
STAR RATING: *1/4 -- Good intensity throughout.
-They showed Batista doing arm curls. Long walked in and told him that his tag team partner is sick. He said he claimed he had food poisoning. Batista said not to worry because he had the best doctor in town on the way.
-They plugged a follow-up on last week's Undertaker-Randy Orton match and angle.
-They replayed last week's angle with the duplicate Undertaker in the casket. In mid-ring, Bob Orton Jr. introduced Randy Orton. They opened a casket inside the ring and there was Undertaker. He said when you achieve the status he's achieved in WWE, you start to realize that physically everyone is pretty much equal. Everybody's big and strong and fat. "But what separates the good from the great? I'll tell you what. The ability to play mind games," he said. Orton said Taker may have gotten the 1-2-3 on him last week, but he beat Taker mentally. Tazz said that was a very life-like mannequin. Taker opened his eyes, revealing it was really him in the casket. Orton bragged that he saw the look in Taker's eyes last week and "that look was fear." Orton bragged some more, then leaned in to look at the Taker "mannequin." Taker reached up and grabbed Orton by the throat. He got out of the casket and threw him into the casket, which tipped over. Bob Orton yanked Randy out of the ring and pulled him to safety.
4 -- KEN KENNEDY vs. REY MYSTERIO
Kennedy messed with the ring announcer, made him bow, and then gave him a low blow. A mic lowered from the ceiling "old arena style" and he introduced himself underneath a spotlight in the darkened arena. He said the Simon System has worked because he's gained another pound of muscle this week. Cole said he has Rey Mysterio's new entrance song on his iPod. Apple Corp. just shuddered that their Cool Quotient just took a big dip that could affect sales. Kennedy controlled the early minutes including a twisting uranage at 2:30. Rey came back and went for a 619 at 4:30. Kennedy side-stepped it. Rey went to the top rope instead. JBL then came out on his horse again. That distracted Rey long enough for Kennedy to get up and gave Rey his finisher.
WINNER: Kennedy at 5:20.
STAR RATING: *1/2 -- Decent five minute match. Kennedy's getting a big push. No matter how tainted, a win over Rey in five minutes is an indication management believes in you.
-Cole plugged yet another Benoit vs. Jordan rematch was up next.
-A commercial aired for the Raw Homecoming. Palmer asked what Long is going to do to counter that. Long said he had an idea.
-Sharmell said she wants to celebrate tonight. Booker said it's not worth celebrating that kind of win. She said she only did a little something, then said he should have some gold around his waist. She said she was talking to Kennedy and he said Benoit should be giving him a U.S. Title match. "You just beat Christian, and Christian beat Benoit. It's your time to shine," she said, then encouraged him to take what the powers won't give him. It's nice to have wins and losses referred to in such a local manner.
-Guerrero freaked out backstage at a trainer trying to help him. He said he might have appendicitis. A cute nurse walked up to him and began rubbing his abdomen. He encouraged more exploration.
5 -- SIMON DEAN vs. BOBBY LASHLEY
A cocky Simon said, "Give me anybody!" The ring announcer introduced his opponent as a three-time amateur national champion, four-time all-American, a two-time Armed Forces Champion, and a 2002 Silver Medalist at the Military World Championship, Bobby Lashley!" Simon looked nervous as the credentials were read. Lashley came out to little response. Cole said he has been looking forward to his debut. Lashley outpowered Simon easily. Simon took a swig of the Simon System to try to gain Popeye Spinach strength. It didn't work, as Lashley dominated. When Simon pounded on Lashley on the mat from behind. Lashley did push-ups and then stood up and threw Simon into the corner. Lashley finished off Simon with a cool suplex and a body vice into a powerslam.
WINNER: Lashley at 2:46.
STAR RATING: 1/2* -- Good debut squash match. With Kennedy and Lashley, they're introducing some new people with potential to develop into valuable contributors or at least intrigue fans in the mean time with new acts.
6 -- CHRIS BENOIT vs. ORLANDO JORDAN -- U.S. Title match
Sharmell has a point. Jordan certainly doesn't deserve another title shot ahead of Booker T. Jordan did celebrate once he got past 23 seconds, but that left an opening for Benoit to score an easy win with another Crossface.
WINNER: Benoit at 0:49.8 via tapout to retain the U.S. Title.
STAR RATING: 1/4* -- Short, but it fit the storyline and made its point - which is they're going to play this out as long as they can and then some.
-Guerrero was in ecstasy as the nurse worked on him. Batista secretly stepped in. Guerrero said, "Not so hard!" Then he opened his eyes and freaked out. He continued to clutch his abdomen. Batista said he got him the best doctor in town. He introduced a Dr. Barnett, who talked with a lisp. The doctor's name is based on the late promoter Jim Barnett who died last year but was openly gay. The doctor bent Guerrero over and did something to him from behind that caused Guerrero to make silly noises and facial expressions. Hi-lar-ee-us!!! That's the "comedy" Cole referenced in the opening match.
7 -- EDDIE GUERRERO & BATISTA vs. MNM (w/Mercury & Nitro w/Melina)
Cole asked Tazz if he knew what the doctor was doing to Guerrero. Tazz said no. Cole asked, "Haven't you ever been examined before." Just what we needed - that image. Guerrero slowly made his way to the ring as the bell rang to start the match. He clutched his abdomen. MNM gained the advantage after Melina distracted Batista. Batista eventually made a comeback and gave the Batista Bomb to Mercury. Guerrero then suddenly felt well enough to tag himself in for the first time and leap off the top rope with a frog splash to score the pin. Guerrero then went back into pretending to have a stomach ache as he celebrated the win. Batista looked on suspiciously.
WINNERS: Guerrero & Batista at 6:02.
STAR RATING: *1/4
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