TV REPORTS 9/26 WWE Raw Report: Mallory's "Virtual Time" Alternative Perspective Coverage
Sep 26, 2005 - 10:07:00 PM
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by Mallory Mahling, Torch Team Contributor
WWE Raw "Virtual Time" Alternative Perspective Coverage
September 26, 2005
Live from Waco, Texas
Aired on Spike TV
Report by Mallory Mahling, Torch Team Contributor
Ongoing Alternative Perspective Review of the Show
Raw was live tonight from the Heart O' Texas Coliseum in Waco, Texas.
Tonight would be the last Raw on Spike TV, the Network with Pop. Would Raw be thumbing its corporate nose at Spike tonight? And would Spike, in turn, be telling Raw not to let the door hit it in its collective ass on the way out? We found out soon enough.
Jim Ross, Jerry "The King" Lawler, and Jonathan Coachman welcomed viewers to the show.
Mister McMahon strutted out to the ring. It would be an historic night tonight, he said, as this would mark the last broadcast of Raw on Spike TV. McMahon said in their five years together, both Spike and Raw had done some growing up. He thanked Spike TV for their hospitality.
Enough of the pleasantries. McMahon got down to business, listing the wonderful things that would happen once they ditched Spike. (Either he said something deserving of being bleeped, or the sound system cut out, since his lips were moving but there was no sound. That occurred several times during the show.)
Kurt Angle's music hit and he came out to complain that Eric Bischoff had been given a match against the WWE Champion on the first show on USA. Angle thought he was more deserving.
Shawn Michaels also had a beef and he came out to discuss it with the boss. He wanted a title match, too.
Angle contended that the Master Lock had cut off the circulation to Michaels' brain.
McMahon was tired of their bickering. Next week it would be Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels in a rubber match. (Insert joke here.) But it wouldn't be just any match. It would be a 30-minute Iron Man Match.
Trish Stratus and Ashley Massaro were headed down the ramp as the show went to commercial.
Commercial number 1 for "Ultimate Fight Night 2" next Monday night in the time slot formerly occupied by you-know-who.
(1) Women's Championship Match: Trish Stratus (w/Ashley) over Victoria (w/the Slut Sisters and a poodle) via DQ. The two stood and traded to start things off. It wasn't long before the action spilled to the outside, and Victoria tossed Trish completely over the guard rail. Interference by Torrie and Candice, but Ashley took them both on. Victoria rolled Trish back into the ring for a near fall. Reverse Chin Lock from Hell by Victoria. Victoria got another near fall and was growing frustrated by her inability to pin Trish. Action at the top of the turnbuckle looked like it went awry, as both fell off and landed clumsily. Back in the ring, Trish got a near fall on Victoria. Trish was about to go for the Stratusfaction when Torrie and Candice interfered. The ref called for the bell, and the match turned into a brawl, which turned into a strip fest, which was probably the point of this match in the first place.
Victoria pitched a fit about being stripped to her bra and panties and being humiliated. Huh? She's purposely worn less than that out to the ring. Gimme a break.
Bottom line, next week will be a handicap bra and panties match featuring all five of the ladies.
Big Show was lumbering around backstage.
(Commercial break) Be sure to watch Raw on USA next Monday night when Mrs. Foley's little boy will come back home.
(2) Street Fight: Big Show over Snitsky. The Big Show and the Big Snit in a rematch of their rematch. Show used that "frying pan" sized hand on Snitsky as J.R. rattled off his laundry list of Big Show's gi-normous sizes. Street fights have nothing to do with streets these days; it seems to be code for "garbage can match." And that poor garbage can took a licking.
Big Show went under the ring for more plunder and got a twinkle in his eye. He came out with the proverbial kitchen sink, at which point, Snitsky's match went down the drain. Big Show took the win...and the kitchen sink as a souvenir.
Backstage, Maria was fussing over Ric Flair and the mouse over his eye that Carlito gave him last week.
Commercial number 2 for Ultimate Monday Night Live, right here on Spike once that fake rasslin' show vacates the premises.
Somebody call a mortician. That commercial for Ultimate Warrior's DVD was brutal.
Whoooooo! Ric Flair came out and spoke about getting even Carlito. Back in the day it was the Four Horsemen. These days, it takes only one, he said. Flair went behind the curtain and came out with a sledge hammer. The Nature Boy will get even with that Carlito kid next week when Triple H, the greatest wrestler on this or any other planet, returns.
Eric Bischoff was on the phone when John Cena came into his office and hung up the phone. Cena wanted to discuss their match next week. Well, not so much discuss as intimidate.
(3) Kerwin White (w/Caddy Nick Nemeth) pinned Shelton Benjamin. Chavo Blanco used his golf shirt to choke Benjamin while his enforcer...er...caddy distracted the referee. When the foolishness finally stopped, the match was pretty decent. Chavo Blanco pinned Benjamin for the win. Of course, there was also a post-match cheap shot with a golf club.
A ladder was being set up in the ring.
Whatcha gonna do when the Real American runs wild on you? Coming up next week on USA once Raw blows this pop stand.
TNA Wrestling--a wrestling organization with real action--is coming to Spike soon.
Lita and Edge came out and looked at the ladder that stood ominously in the center of the ring. Lita was wearing a neck brace and wished Matt well when he lost next week's match and left town as the loser he is.
"Slut, slut, slut," chanted the crowd.
Edge said that next week he and Matt were coming home and would tear the place down with a ladder match, just as they'd done five years ago during the debut of Raw on Spike. Edge climbed to the top of the ladder and bad-mouthed Matt.
A roar from the crowd signaled another player in this game. Matt slipped into the ring and tried to knock Edge off the ladder. He finally succeeded, and the result made quite an impact. With Edge out cold on the floor, Lita and Matt shared a hostile pantomime.
Bischoff was watching on a monitor in his office when Teddy Long walked in. Teddy wanted to talk business about Smackdown participating on next week's homecoming show, but Bischoff wasn't buying it and ordered him out.
Mister McMahon walked in and Teddy made his sales pitch to McMahon, who loved it. Bischoff suddenly loved the idea, too, and took credit for thinking of it.
McMahon told Teddy to put a match together and make the announcement on Smackdown this Friday.
While he was at it, Bischoff tried to weasel his way out of the match with Cena next week. All McMahon gave him was grief about his role in running WCW into the ground. For some reason, Bischoff came away from the encounter yearning for the title belt. Go figure.
Next Monday night tune into the USA Network to see Stone Cold Steve Austin. Neener, neener, Spike.
And Spike countered with:
If you tune in to watch Stone Cold, you'll miss "Ultimate Fight Night 2."
Back from commercial, Viscera and Val Venis were in the ring waiting for the Tag Team Champs.
(4) Viscera & Val Venis over Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch via DQ. We've seen this match before, and we'll probably see it again. It ended in a DQ and Viscera and Venis took the win.
In the dressing room, Chris Masters was trying to understand what Carlito was saying and kept telling him to speak English. Even speaking another language, Carlito is way better on the mic than Masters.
Triple H will be back next Monday night. On USA. And he's that damn good, too. He's a real tough guy. Not a pansy like those shoot fighters that Spike is pushing.
(5) Rob Conway over Eugene. Eugene bit Conway in the butt and appropriated his sunglasses. Apparently Conway loves his sunglasses as much as he loves his pythons. Eugene was channeling The Rock tonight and nearly won it with some of the most electrifying moves in sports entertainment. Then when Eugene was about to do his Jim Duggan impression, Conway ripped the head off Eugene's HBK teddy bear, breaking Eugene's heart and robbing him of the victory.
October 3 is Ultimate Monday Night on Spike TV. It's UFC at its best--enjoy!
Of course, there's that rasslin' show on that other network if you're so inclined.
With two whole entrances out of the way, the show went to commercial again.
Not to be outdone, TNT put its two cents in. TNT has drama...and NASCAR.
(6) Tag Team Tables Match: Carlito & Chris Masters over Shawn Michaels & John Cena. The match started with the usual back and forth tag team action. D-von Carlito, get the table! The table was set up by Carlito, but HBK accidentally superkicked the referee through the table. Whoops! Technically, that would make the ref the winner according to the rules set out for this match. Instead, it just mean that the show went to...
See "Ultimate Fight Night Live" next Monday night on Spike TV. No need to go elsewhere for your sporting entertainment.
A new referee had assumed the officiating duties, and Chris Masters put Cena in the Master Lock. HBK broke the hold. Masters slammed Cena into the ring steps, then turned his attention to HBK.
Carlito set up another table, but Cena turned it over. Masters set a table up in the corner of the ring. Lots of stalling. Suddenly, business picked up. Ten counts by HBK and Cena in their respective corners on their respective opponent's head. They mimicked each other's moves, then Cena with an FU on Masters.
But don't forget the table, guys.
More stalling as Cena placed the table in the center of the ring. With Masters laid out on the table, HBK was poised to come off the top onto Masters. Angle ran out, pushed HBK off and caused him to fall into the table on the outside, thus losing the match. Bischoff was out there, too, and lusting after Cena's title belt while Angle put the bad mouth on Michaels.
Remember, Raw will be on the USA Network next Monday night with more stars than you can shake a stick at. Please remember to mark your calendars. Please, we're begging you.
Buh bye, Raw, Spike seemed to be saying. Now scram.
I love feedback and you can reach me at email@example.com. See you in The Lounge on Saturday.
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