TV REPORTS KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT 6/5: Ongoing "virtual time" coverage of live show
Jun 5, 2006 - 10:08:00 PM
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By Wade Keller, Torch editor
WWE RAW REPORT
JUNE 5, 2006
AIRED LIVE ON USA NETWORK
-The show opened with a close-up of a pensive Triple H backstage. Shane McMahon walked in and said he and Triple H have always been cool, and he knows he didn't mean to hit him with a sledgehammer. He said his father is another story. When Triple H asked about the Kiss My Ass Club, Shane said he doesn't like it either. "Do you think I like that for one second. It's embarrassing to see your father's flabby keister. It's mortifying when you're actually a member," he said. Triple H asked what "we're" going to do about it. Shane said it's what Hunter can do, "not we." He told him to go reason with him, or else it's going to get worse. Why do I think Shane has had similar talks about backstage issues over the years with wrestlers he's been close to?
-The Raw opening aired. Then Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler introduced and previewed the show. They went right to the contract signing for the John Cena vs. Triple H title match.
-Paul Heyman interrupted Coach's introduction and introduced Rob Van Dam himself. "He's already trying to run the show," said Lawler. Ross thanked viewers for joining them and said it should be a historical night. Coach then introduced Cena. "All of the ECW fans had to check with their parole officers to see if they could attend (the ECW PPV)," said Lawler. RVD and Cena sat at a table in mid-ring. There were mixed chants; some for Cena and fewer it seemed for RVD. Who would have thought three months ago that a babyface RVD would help turn anti-Cena fans into pro-Cena fans? RVD signed the contract and said he couldn't wait to rename the belt the ECW World Title. "How bad would that be, J.R.?" asked Lawler. RVD told Cena he hopes he's prepared for the hardcore action that brings out the best in him. He said the crowd can't wait to boo him right out the freakin' door. The Raw crowd booed. RVD said the Chain Gang won't be present at One Night Stand. Heyman told Cena he's walking into an environment unlike anything he's ever experienced. He said, "It doesn't matter if you can hear them or not, ethereally going to be in unison dying for the chance to rub it in your face the three letters that Rob Van Dam represents - E-C-W." A small "ECW" chant broke out.
Cena said he was an ECW fan. "I watched and respected every single thing that ECW did for this business," he said. Cena then turned to RVD and said just because he has to go to his house and have 2,500 of his fans boo him out of the Hammerstein Ballroom, "don't think I'm just going to lay down and hand you this WWE Championship." He said everyone knows he will fight for ECW, but he said RVD needs to realize that he has fought and led to hold onto the WWE Championship. "I fear nothing and regret less," he said. "Along the way, Rob, I've been booed out of a building or two, I know what that's like, but I've still got the nuts to stare the devil in the face and smile." He told him that this could be his one opportunity to "get a crack at this soldier." He said he was locked in, dialed on, and ready to strike. (Referring to himself as a "soldier" is a bit of foreshadowing of his role as "The Marine" in a WWE Film later this year. A small "Cena sucks" chant broke out. Cena and RVD shook hands.
Heyman said his first taste of ECW doesn't come on Sunday night. He said his first taste comes this Wednesday night on USA Network when ten wrestlers from Raw and Smackdown face ten ECW wrestlers in a battle royal. He said so he can sample the flavor from ECW, he brought a couple of participants from the battle royal with him tonight. Out from the stands walked Balls Mahoney, Tommy Dreamer, Sandman, and Terry Funk. They surrounded Cena in the ring. Lawler said this is the way ECW works. Cena told Heyman they must be there to get Cena autographs. He said if he's doing down, his ass is going down swinging. He punched Sandman and Balls. They quickly overwhelmed him, with Sandman bashing him repeatedly with the cane. Sabu then ran to the ring with a chair. He leaped off the top rope onto Cena's head and the table collapsed out from under him. It probably didn't go exactly as they wanted, but it looked passable. Big Show led a contingent of Raw wrestlers to the ring and the ECW wrestler fled (which is traditionally the role heels play, as heels gang-attack a single wrestler and then flee when a bunch make the save). Cena stood up and tried to regain his senses. Ross said you have to admit Cena showed a lot of guts, where you like him or not. Cena was bleeding a little from his forehead. Ross plugged the Wednesday special and Sunday PPV.
-They replayed clips from the previous segment. I don't get why they do that right after the segment rather than waiting until later when there's a greater chance viewers tuning in since didn't see it. It seems redundant and has potential to frustrate viewers. It's not a huge deal if only done for major segments like this one, but they do it often for mid-card segments, too.
1 -- CARLITO vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN -- Non-Title Match
Some newer Raw viewers probably thought Carlito was a guy who hung out backstage, he's wrestled so rarely on TV lately. Lawler took more digs at ECW during the match. "I wrestled Tommy Dreamer there. When you go into the locker room, in one room you think you're in an unemployment office; you got into another room you think you're in a rehab center; another room you think you're in a mental hospital." Carlito surprisingly finished Shelton clean with his back cracker.
WINNER: Carlito in 4:00.
STAR RATING: *1/4 -- Okay action.
-Ross said he's seen "See No Evil" twice and the second time, he saw things he didn't see the first time. They went to a vignette that also aired on Smackdown last week. Afterward, Ross said there were times in the movie it didn't seem Kane was acting at all. Ross said the movie isn't for the weak at heart.
-Backstage, Triple H walked into Vince McMahon's office. Coach said Mr. McMahon was expecting him. He said he is sure the boss won't make him wait very long. He looked at the wall and a photo hung with Shawn Michaels's face being shoved into Vince McMahon's ass by Shane McMahon.
-They showed 19 Pittsburgh Steelers in the front row showing off their Super Bowl rings.
-Back to Hunter in McMahon's office, he paced, then noticed the picture again. McMahon then walked out and clapped and said, "Tonight's the night." He said this past week when he went to the spa, he got something in addition to his usual routine. He said he had his private parts waxed. "It's where they shave and wax your private parts. They kind of sand-blasted my butt and quite frankly it felt pretty good. I did it all for you and I did it all tonight." Hunter said he heard enough about that, then said, "Let me clarify, if you think for one second that I'm going to go the ring and embarrass myself tonight, you can stick it up your ashell (sp?)." Hunter said he hates to disappoint him, but it ain't gonna happen. He said he'd need to come up with another plan. Vince said he has thought of a plan B. He said that would be Hunter facing Big Show one-on-one; he said Show was pissed for losing his no. 1 contender opportunity last week. Hunter asked if he wins, it's over? Vince said yes. Hunter said it's on. Vince said if that's the case, the match is now. Hunter's intro music played. Vince laughed, as if he knew Hunter had no chance to win.
2 -- TRIPLE H vs. THE BIG SHOW
A minute into the match, Hunter knocked Show to the floor. Spirit Squad ran out and attacked Show. That meant Hunter was disqualified.
WINNER: Show via DQ in 1:00.
STAR RATING: n/a
-Vince was lounging on his office couch chatting about stock prices with someone. Hunter stormed in and protested what happened. Vince denied knowing what happened. Vince said he was on the phone and has more important things to do. Vince said, "Wait a minute, what you're telling me is you lost? Then you have no alternative tonight but to kiss my ass." He said he hates to do it, but a deal is a deal, and if he's thinking of not kissing his ass, he'll never wrestle for a championship again. Hunter snorted in frustration.
3 -- EUGENE vs. MATT STRIKER
Striker said he annihilated him last time they wrestled, so what makes him think it will be different this time. Eugene said he has a tutor now. Striker said there is nobody on earth dumb enough to think they could teach him anything. Out walked Hacksaw Duggan. Striker should have said, "Check that." Lawler said, "This guy is stumped by anything childproof. How can he teach Eugene anything?" Striker DDT'd Eugene immediately and scored an early two count. Lawler said, "Don't worry about Eugene. He's impervious to brain damage." Duggan tried to start a "Eugene" chant. Eugene came back with an airplane spin on Striker. He followed up with a Duggan shoulder tackle for the win.
WINNER: Eugene in 2:00.
STAR RATING: 1/4*
-Striker threw Eugene into the ringside steps after the match. Duggan made the save. Umaga then attacked them both. Umaga dove onto Duggan at ringside with a splash. Then he gave him a Samoan Spike. Armando Alejandro Estrada said Duggan was the latest victim of Umaga. Okay segment. It added some steam to Striker-Duggan house show popcorn matches and gave Umaga a chance to get TV exposure as a killer heel without it being a squash.
---BEGIN SECOND HOUR---
-Kurt Angle came out to his full ring intro. His hometown crowd chanted, "Angle, Angle." Lawler said it was a dark day when he was drafted to ECW. Angle said nothing was going to stop their Olympic hero from coming back to Pittsburgh, Pa. Mick Foley interrupted. He accused Angle of getting a blatant cheap pop. "Come on, that's my deal, Kurt," he said. He said ECW is nothing but a bunch of cheap, second-rate Mick Foley ripoffs. Angle stopped him there. "You want me to give you a nice cheap Mick Foley ripoff, like selling out to anyone who is willing to give the biggest amount of cash right in front of your face? How about losing every bit of my wrestling ability and becoming a bona fide stuntman? Everything Ric Flair said about you, it's true." Angle asked if he had a point coming out there. Foley said he did. He said he heard Heyman announce on Smackdown that he had an open challenge. "Since it was coming out of Heyman's mouth, I naturally assumed it was a lie," he said. Angle said, "It's true, it's damn true." He said he knows he has a tag match with Dreamer & Funk, but "now that Mrs. Foley's baby boy is now Mrs. Foley's giant hairy prostitute, after you lose that tag match this Sunday, won't you accept my open challenge and get yourself an extra paycheck so I can whip your ass and break your ankle in two."
Lita walked out and whispered to Foley. "Speaking of hairy prostitutes," said Angle. Foley said they have a special visitor for Angle, and it's almost like "This Is Your Life, Kurt Angle." He told Angle to say hello to the man who has more wins over him than anyone else in WWE - Edge." Edge came out with the Hardcore Title belt. Edge bragged about shaving Angle's "noggin'" bald. He compared Angle not to the almighty Pittsburgh Steelers, but to the lowly Pittsburgh Pirates. He said he's like Willy Stargell. He said not the baseball star, but the rotting corpse that's been dead several years. That's a bit tasteless, huh? Edge said Angle's hometown fans will never see him again because as soon as he was drafted by ECW, his career ended. He said he won't fit in. He said the first time he experienced ECW, he walked away in disgust. He asked him what makes him think it'll be different this time. The crowd interrupted Edge with an "asshole" chant. Angle said he agrees with the fans. Edge said he has a shot at the WWE Title at Vengeance, but what does he have? He said Angle went from the penthouse to the outhouse. He said he won't last two weeks in ECW.
Angle told Edge that growing up in Pittsburgh, he was told he couldn't do anything, but he always proves them wrong. Angle said the ECW of ten years ago won't be like the new ECW because he'll single-handedly change it. He asked Edge if there was anyone in ECW capable of this. He then took Edge down for an anklelock, but Foley attacked him from behind. Edge joined in. Angle fended off Foley and then put on an anklelock briefly before Edge slithered out of the ring. Randy Orton ran into the ring and gave Angle an RKO from behind. "What in the hell is Randy Orton doing here?" said Ross. Boy, WWE doesn't like below-average ratings too many weeks in a row. They're trying to pop a rating with a variety of non-Raw wrestlers tonight.
-They went to an interview Todd Grisham conducted with Orton backstage during the break for WWE.com Unlimited. Orton said Angle put him on the shelf for 60 days, and he wants revenge, so he accepts his challenge for this Sunday at One Night Stand. This is hardly going to feel like an ECW reunion show at this rate.
4 -- LANCE CADE (w/Trevor Murdoch) vs. KANE
Before the match, Trevor Murdoch said the band is back together and Kane wasn't going to be able to beat his partner, Lance, like he beat him. Kane dominated and chokeslammed Cade at 1:00. The mask began tormenting Kane again on the big screen. "I'm waaittting!" said the voice. The lights went out and Kane walked to the back and got counted out. Murdoch celebrated like they earned a win.
WINNER: Kane via countout in 2:00.
STAR RATING: 1/4*
-They went to Kane backstage. He said it's time for the games to end. The lights went out. Then they flashed on and showed the imposter Kane behind him in the background. "Stop playing games with me!" shouted Kane. The imposter Kane attacked the real Kane with a trash can, knocking Kane to the floor.
-A vignette aired for Roby and Rory Highlander did a video intro promo. They talked about how their families have inhabited the Scotland highlands for many years. He said they're ready to battle in the WWE so for the first time, The Highlanders have come to America. I always wondered what happened to Boris Zhukov. They wore a Statue of Liberty head piece as "beard warmers." They showed footage of them roaming the streets of New York interacting with Americans.
5 -- NITRO (w/Melina) vs. CHARLIE HAAS
Haas ran into the ring and wildly bounced into the ropes and inadvertently knocked Lilian hard to the floor before she could step to the floor. Officials ran to check on Lilian as the match began. Lawler said regarding Melina: "She's like a fine work of art in a museum. You can touch her with your eyes, but not your hands." Ross said he doesn't have to tell him because he's a happily married man. Jim Ross Fact: "I can eat my weight in Skittles," Ross revealed. Ross and Lawler said this was a very important match in these wrestlers' careers. As Lawler complained about ECW, Ross said he watched it all the time. He said it's a "different style of wrestling." Haas monkey flipped Nitro who did a 360 degree bump. Melina entered the ring to interfere, but feigned a sprained ankle. As Haas turned to her, Nitro schoolboyed Haas and scored the pin. Melina got up and celebrated. Ross said they outsmarted him.
WINNER: Nitro in 4:00.
STAR RATING: *1/4
-They showed footage of Lilian Garcia being helped out of the ring by the trainer and team doctor.
6 -- VICTORIA (w/Mickey James) vs. BETH PHOENIX (w/Trish Stratus)
Lawler noted that the 2006 Diva Search is beginning. Mickey distracted the ref as Beth had Victoria pinned. Trish yanked Mickey off the apron. Victoria rolled up Beth and yanked on her tights, revealing a thong. "I love thongs!" said Lawler. Beth then hit a sitdown slam for the win.
WINNER: Phoenix in 2:00.
STAR RATING: 3/4*
-Another "See No Evil" vignette aired focused on the special effects.
-Vince and Shane admired the photo of Michaels having his face shoved into Vince's butt. Vince told Shane he wants to be sure the job is done. Vince told Shane to let him know when that bit of business is over. Vince asked if he'd like to see a preview of someone who's actually had a butt wax. He told Shane to try it sometime. The Shane and Vince dynamic continues to be fun to see develop on-air.
-A promo aired for The Dusty Rhodes Story DVD set. It includes commentary from Rhodes, some of his best promos, and a selection of matches. It's released tomorrow.
-Another ECW PPV commercial aired.
-Ross and Lawler threw to footage of the Cena-RVD contract signing. They showed Sabu legdropping a chair over Cena's skull in slo-mo twice. Ross then asked Lawler about Tazz's Smackdown challenge of him. Lawler said there is nothing funny about what he's about to say to Tazz. He said for the last ten years, he's heard Tazz brag about how bad he is, but the only bad thing about him are his announcing skills. He said Tazz may have choked out a number of wrestlers, but in wrestling choking is illegal. Lawler said, "There have to be rules in life, not just wrestling. You can't bring guns to school, you have to be at least this tall to get on the rides at Disney World. Oh, that hits a little close to home, doesn't it Tazz," he said. In response to the challenge, Lawler accepted. He promised at One Night Stand he'll be sure it's Tazz's last stand. Ross plugged the line-up, which now includes Rey Mysterio vs. Sabu, Randy Orton vs. Kurt Angle, Jerry Lawler vs. Tazz, Tommy Dreamer & Terry Funk vs. Mick Foley & Edge, and John Cena vs. Rob Van Dam. It's amazing they've done nothing at all to give any depth of character to Dreamer whose one-quarter of one of the top matches on the show.
-Backstage, Hunter cornered Shane. Shane told him to relax. Hunter threw stuff around. Shane then drugged Hunter's bottle of water with some powder. Shane said Vince is just playing with him, he's not going to actually make him kiss his ass. Shane asked if he was cool. Shane asked for a little credit. Shane took a swig of water. Hunter took a swig, too. Shane told Hunter he had nothing to worry about and to trust him. Shane then called Vince right in front of Hunter. As Shane told Vince things went as planned, Hunter spit out his water and switched bottles with Shane. Hunter swigged water from Shane's bottle. Shane told Vince that Hunter will "take his medicine." Shane then swigged the poisoned water.
-Another ECW PPV commercial aired.
-Vince and Shane McMahon walked to the ring. Vince talked about the Kiss My Ass Club. He said Jim Ross is a charter member. He said Shane has "inadvertently joined the club." Vince then introduced Hunter as "The Game, The Cerebral Assassin, The King of Kings." Hunter walked to the ring. Vince said he isn't doing this for self-agrandizement. He said he is doing it so Hunter can set an example as a leader. Vince asked Hunter what was wrong with his eyes, as they seemed glossy. Vince asked Hunter had a few drinks before he walked out there and popped a few anti-anxiety pills. Hunter stuttered and stammered and then fainted. Vince asked what was wrong with Hunter. Vince said, "I know what's wrong with him! He needs to kiss my ass. Who do you think you are? Do you think you're better than me? You think you're different than every other superstar who came along the way? I made you! I made you, I can break you. Nobody is bigger than Mr. McMahon." He said with that in mind, it was time. He then dropped his pants. Shane then began to lose consciousness. He smiled, then collapsed. Hunter then got up. Vince turned around and saw Hunter. As Vince tried to pull up his pants, Hunter shook his finger "no." Hunter kicked Vince in the gut and gave him a Pedigree. Vince lay face-first on the mat with his thonged ass exposed. Ross said Hunter turned the tables on Shane and Vince McMahon. Ross closed the show by saying, "What will the repurcussions me? I shudder to think."
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