TV REPORTS KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT 8/21: Ongoing "virtual time" coverage of show
Aug 21, 2006 - 11:41:00 PM
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By Wade Keller, Torch editor
WWE RAW REPORT
AUGUST 21, 2006
LIVE ON USA NETWORK
-They opened with Edge walking to the ring, without Lita. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler said Edge retained his title in a controversial match. Ross said if viewers watched Summerslam, "they know what we're talking about." Edge began by telling the crowd that they bought tickets thinking they'd be seeing him as a former champion. He said they were all wrong. He even went to the front row and asked a boy in the audience, who seemed quite bored, that he was wrong. He said people are probably wondering where his title belt is and where his girlfriend is.
They went to the big screen where Lita stood in front of the local harbor. Edge said, "Look, it's my title!" He then added that it's really Cena's title belt, and since he wiped out Cena from WWE, it's time to bury the last symbol of Cena with "a burial at sea." Lita kissed the title and then whipped it into the sea. Fog blew down onto Edge, and then as the fog stopped, he revealed his new title belt, which featured a spinning plate that said, "Rated R Superstar." The crowd chanted,
"You suck! You suck!" Edge asked any challengers to his title to step up. He said now he's going to go get his lady. Jeff Hardy's music started. He did his charismatic dance routine on the stage. Ross said we knew he was going to return to Raw this week, but we didn't know when or how.
Hardy quickly entered the ring and went face-to-face with Edge and trash-talked him. Edge seethed and said, "What the hell are doing here, Jeff Hardy? Didn't you die three years ago? Don't tell me you're going to make your comeback at my expense." He told him to learn a lesson from his older brother. He said he ruined his career. He said, "He's a no-talent loser, just like you." Hardy punched and kicked Edge, then went to the top rope. Edge bailed out. Keeping up with the tradition of Hardys in WWE, Jeff had no speaking lines.
-Ross and Lawler plugged Ric Flair vs. Randy Orton later and the movie trailer premiere for John Cena's "The Marine."
1 -- EUGENE & HACKSAW DUGGAN & THE HIGHLANDERS vs. SPIRIT SQUAD
A fan walked by in the background with a sign that said, "Umaga farted on me." Ross noted that Raw would air live next week on Sci-Fi and on delay late on USA Network. That takes away a big opportunity for Spike TV to ever give TNA (or UFC, for that matter) a night to capture some of Raw's viewership. The Sci-Fi relationship with ECW is already paying dividends. Spirit Squad beat on Robbie during the body of the match. The Highlanders eventually used an inverted springboard suplex to win. Ross noted that it was the seventh week in a row that Spirit Squad has lost. Duggan never tagged in officially.
WINNERS: Highlanders & Duggan & Eugene in 6:00.
STAR RATING: 1/2* -- I hope they're going somewhere with Spirit Squad, because they have too much talent to be relegated to this role.
-Backstage, Edge approached Coach who was working out on a Bowflex machine backstage. Edge said Jeff Hardy wasn't going to make a name at his expense, so he wanted Jeff in the ring one-on-one in a non-title match later. Coach said Vince McMahon wasn't there yet, so he had the power to decide, and he told Edge, "Consider it done." Coach went back to working out, and Vince and Shane McMahon walked in. Vince said he was in a fowl mood. He leaned in, sneered at Coach, and said he wanted him in his office right now. Vince said he feels gnarly tonight after losing to DX. He said it isn't over. Shane said the loss should be wiped from the record.
-An ECW commercial plugged that Sabu would challenge Big Show in a Summerslam rematch.
-Todd Grisham interviewed Randy Orton backstage. He asked him about his guarantee that he'd beat Hogan. Orton said he got screwed and he did pin Hogan. He said the ref was paid off. He said he'll let his aggression out on Ric Flair, "who happens to be a bigger legend than Hulk Hogan." Someone's upset at Hogan right now, huh? Carlito walked in. Orton asked who he was looking at. Carlito walked up and Grisham walked out. Carlito said watching Hogan get his hand raised after the match was cool. Orton said, "At least I was on Summerslam. Where were you? Watching from the back." He said he's a catch phrase, a t-shirt, and a haircut. He said the next time he decides to interrupt his interview, he demands a little more respect.
-They went to a taped segment of Triple H sitting in front of a panel of dozens of international flags. They showed Vince and Shane watching him on a monitor as he talked. Hunter said after overcoming cheerleaders, a leprechaun, a limey, a chubby giant, and a cannibal, and defeating Vince McMahon, they were on their way to Bridgeport and couldn't help but notice Vince's private plane flying overhead. Shawn Michaels held up a model airplane and mocked a plane crash. He rolled around on the desk and yelled, "Drop and roll. Yeahhh!" Hunter said they wanted to see his private plane for themselves in person, but unfortunately there was an incident. Michaels rolled through the scene screaming in pain some more. They went to a clip of Michaels accidentally scratching the paint of Vince's private jet. They stepped back and revealed "DX" spray painted on the side of the plane in bright green letters. Michaels told Hunter he did a nice job. They panned to the right to reveal "DX" painted on the back of the plane, too. Vince made William Regal faces as if he just had a lemon stuffed in his mouth and threw a tantrum. Oh good, another month at least of DX vs. The McMahons.
2 -- TRISH STRATUS vs. VICTORIA
Ross said he figures that this match would go a long way to determining the top contender for Lita's Women's Title. After a punch by Victoria to open the match, Trish went after Victoria aggressively. At ringside in the opening minute, she dove onto Victoria with a Thesz press and then rammed her into the ringpost. Trish scored a two count with a Victory Roll. Victoria reversed a Stratusfaction and scored a two count. Trish countered Victoria seconds later with a head scissors and clothesline for a two count. Victoria fired back with a kneelift. Trish escaped a Widow's Peak and hit the Stratusfaction for the win.
WINNER: Trish in 3:00.
STAR RATING: *1/4 -- They made the most of their three minutes with fast-paced, high-impact action.
-Vince and Shane McMahon came out immediately after Trish's pin, cutting her celebration short. Ross and Lawler continued to talk about how on edge Vince was today. Vince said he figures the fans enjoyed what DX did to his plane. "That's a 30 million dollar aircraft, and you people encourage that kind of degenerousy," he said. He added that he's called the police and they're going to watch DX get arrested. The crowd began chanting "asshole, asshole."
-Vince said they'd now show what's going on at the airport. Instead, though, Hunter and Shawn were standing on top of the WWE headquarters building. They talked about how much Vince has created. "He has literally stuck his flag in the ground and made his mark." Michaels compared him to Christopher Columbus. Vince yelled: "You're supposed to be at the airport, dammit!" Hunter and Michaels said they are going to leave their mark "loud and proud." A wide camera angle showed off "DX" painted on the wall of the headquarters in three-story tall lettering. Vince's jaw dropped. Shane looked concerned for his dad. Ross said Vince was visibly shaken, if not a broken man. Ross said DX has done irreparable damage to the boss.
-Ross plugged Flair vs. Orton and Edge vs. Hardy.
-The WWE 24/7 commercial highlighted the premier episode of Smackdown, including Stephanie McMahon saying yes to Test's wedding proposal and Triple H retaining the WWE Title against The Rock with Shawn Michaels as guest referee.
-Mick Foley walked up to Vince backstage and said, "Hi Vince." Vince didn't like that he called him Vince. He also pointed out that last week he told him to kiss his ass. Shane added that he called him a "son of a bitch." Foley said he isn't having such a great week himself. He showed off the taped up slashes on his left arm. Vince told Foley to stop calling him Vince. Vince said since DX is not there and they're putting him through hell. He said maybe tonight Mick can join a very special club - the Kiss My Ass Club. Foley smiled and said that's the most ridiculous offer he's ever heard. Shane told him to calm down. Vince added that if he doesn't kiss his ass, somebody's getting fired. Shane said, "Pucker up, Mick."
-Back at ringside, Ross said this could be the worst night of Foley's life."
[End Hour One]
3 -- EDGE (w/Lita) vs. JEFF HARDY
Hardy didn't paint himself. Hardy dropkicked Edge off the apron as he began to enter the ring. Hardy bodypressed over the top rope onto Edge and scored a two count in the ring. The crowd chanted, "Hardy, Hardy." Edge sidestepped a Hardy charge and tossed him to ringside. "He will crash and burn sometimes as often as he will hit," said Ross. Edge threw Hardy into the ringside steps. Edge dominated offense for a few minutes. Hardy caught a charging Edge with his boots at 3:00, then jumped off the top rope. Edge moved. Hardy DDT'd him. Edge came back with a DDT of his own seconds later leading to a two count. Hardy hit a twisting corkscrew dive onto Edge for a two count. Hardy hit a Twist of Fate at 5:00 and hit the Swanton Bomb (backflip splash off the top rope) for a near fall, ending when Lita yanked his leg under the bottom rope. Lita then pulled Edge out of the ring. Cena then ran to the ring and went after Edge. Edge tried to escape through the crowd, but Cena caught up to him and threw him into the entrance set. Edge ran to the back area, but Cena caught him again. John Laurenaitis made a cameo during an attempt to break them up. Edge finally escaped out the back door as they cut to a break.
WINNER: No contest in 5:00.
STAR RATING: *1/2 -- Good, fast-paced action. Hardy didn't seem as spectacular or charismatic now as he did as recently as TNA. Maybe a little heavier, and a little toned down by WWE. But there's still something that stands out about him.
-They showed a replay of Hardy hitting the Swanton Bomb on Edge. Then they replayed the Cena-Edge brawl. Then they went back live to Cena brawling with Edge in the harbor area and to the dock. Cena punched Laurenaitis, and then tossed Edge into the water. Good brawl. Good finish.
-Melina told Mick Foley backstage not to get fired. She thanked Foley for saving her at the PPV. Foley said he didn't know what Flair was going to do, but he couldn't take a chance. Foley said he's not sure he can look himself in the mirror knowing he joined Vince McMahon's Kiss My Ass Club. She said: "I've learned so much from you. You're my mentor, my best friend. I don't know what I'm gonna do if you aren't around. She said she's support him 100 percent no matter what he decided. She walked away and Foley smiled at her kind words.
4 -- JOHNNY NITRO (w/Melina) vs. KANE -- Intercontinental Title match
Ross announced that the harbor patrol had rescued Edge out of the Long Island Sound. Lawler said, "Where else are you going to find a show like this, huh?" Kane overpowered Nitro early. Nitro flipped out of a side slam attempt, then punched Kane several times in the corner. Kane swatted away Nitro's dropkick attempt. Kane then hit a clothesline off the top rope. Umaga then ran into the ring and attacked Kane for the DQ. He drove Kane face-first into the mat. Then he gave Kane the Samoan Spike. Then he dove off the second rope and gave Kane a flying spike to the throat. Kane grabbed at his throat and bled from the mouth. Ross said something may have been ruptured in Kane's throat.
WINNER: Kane via DQ in 2:00 so Nitro retained the IC Title.
STAR RATING: n/a -- Good start, but not really enough of a match to rate.
-Highlights aired of Summerslam promoting the replays.
-Clips aired of the Diva Finales from last Wednesday on USA Network.
-Ross and Lawler plugged the Kiss My Ass Club segment with Vince and Foley. Ross said he's been there, and he can be sure that Foley is in for the most humiliating moments of his career.
-The trailer for "The Marine" then aired. Lots of explosions and fist-fights.
5 -- RANDY ORTON vs. RIC FLAIR
Ross said he had a long talk with Flair earlier and he paid a big price to beat Foley. Ross pointed out the obvious - that Flair had no business in the ring tonight. It's a real shame that WWE rushed Flair into the ring rather than selling the effects of the I Quit match. The fact that Flair walked right into the ring and went to work on Orton at the start undercuts the brutality of the match the night before. It's the equivalent of no-selling during a match. Orton tried to clothesline Flair over the top rope, but Flair didn't lift far, so he got a running start and took Flair to the floor. He then battered on Flair at ringside, suplexing him on the floor. Flair bled from the forehead. Back in the ring, as Orton gloated, Flair struggled to his feet and threw some chops at Orton. Orton kicked Flair in the chest. Flair let out an "Oh God!" He fired back with some chops. Orton raked his eyes and hit an RKO for the win. Orton continued to beat on Flair, so the ref reversed the decision. Orton crawled toward Flair, but Carlito made the save. He attacked Orton and knocked him to the floor with an elbow off the ropes.
WINNER: Flair in 4:00 via reversed decision.
STAR RATING: ** -- Short, but good, intense, relentless attack by Orton, with Flair doing a good job putting up a fight despite being beaten down from the night before. There needed to be more of a story of why Flair took this match.
-Another commercial aired for the release of the McMahon DVD tomorrow.
-Vince and Shane McMahon waited for Mick Foley in the ring. Melina accompanied Foley. Vince said, "Mick, you're the first candidate to actually bring a date with you to kiss my ass." Foley said he wasn't going to do it. "Don't get me wrong, Vince, I love this job," he said. "I love the WWE, but I do not need it!" He said he has saved a fortune over the years on his apparel. He said he hasn't paid for a haircut in ten years and he drives a used minivan. He said Vince cannot threaten him with a firing. Vince said he didn't say he was going to fire him. He said, "I said if you don't kiss my ass, "somebody's getting fired. That's what I said." He said if Foley turns him down, he's going to fire his friend Melina. Foley said nobody is worth kissing your ass for. Melina looked sad in the background. Foley added, "Except her." Vince handed his jacket to Shane. Melina begged Foley not to do it. She said she can find something else to do. Foley said he's done things he never imagined in his career, but she's on the verge of being a star in WWE for a long time. He said he had only spoken to her three times before he asked his wife to let her be the godmother of his youngest son, Huey. She cried as he said he is about to experience the lowest point of his career. He said after he kisses Vince's ass, they're going to buy a big bottle of mouthwash together and a bigger bottle of hard alcohol "and I'm going to forget this night ever existed, but right now I've got something to do." Foley turned and ordered Vince to take his pants down, "you miserable, greedy, son of a bitch." Vince dropped his pants and bent over. Foley kissed it.
Vince smiled and celebrated. Melina hugged Foley. As Foley turned to trash-talk McMahon, Melina gave Foley a low-blow from behind. Foley fell to the mat, looking like a wounded puppy. McMahon said, "Just like DX, we've got two words for you, Mick." Melina then shouted, "You're fired!" Vince asked, "How about that!" Ross said he was in shock. He said the young woman who Foley mentored and befriended just was a party to the most humiliating moment of Foley's life. Vince said he likes when people kiss his ass. "This is how a night is supposed to end," he said. Vince walked backstage, yapping on the mic about how much he enjoyed people kissing his ass. He said tomorrow he's going to have himself another asscial. Melina and Nitro embraced. Vince slapped Torrie on her ass as he walked past. He said they were going to have a great night and make up for all that crap DX put them through.
Once they got outside, Vince's demeanor totally changed and he took a deep breath. He said, "I can't even breath. I didn't want to say it out there, but I think DX has broken me. I'll never be the same." As he got into his limo, he told the driver to wear a tie next time or he'll fire him. He said he wanted to go check on his airplane at the airport. A chain was attached to the back of the limo, and as it drove off, it left the rear wheels and axle behind. Shane crawled out of the limo, followed by Vince. Vince shoved the driver, blaming him for what happened at first. He then turned and noticed "DX" spray painted on the side of his limo. He screamed in agony and kicked the limo. Lawler said he thinks DX has indeed broken Mr. McMahon.
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