TV REPORTS 8/4 WWE Raw review: Mahling's "Alt Perspective" review
Aug 4, 2003 - 11:09:00 PM
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By Mallory Mahling, Torch Team Contributor
WWE Raw "Alternative Perspective" Rundown
August 4, 2003
Live from Vancouver, B.C.
Aired on TNN
Top Five Items from the Program
(1) The SummerSlam main event will be Triple H vs. Goldberg, no DQ, for the World title as promised, but it has been expanded to include Chris Jericho, Kevin Nash, Randy Orton, and Shawn Michaels in an Elimination Chamber.
(2) Eric Bischoff pinned Shane McMahon -- thanks to his new best friend, the Next Red Thing.
(3) Jericho claimed he didn't get his proper respect from Kevin Nash and challenged Big Sexy to a Hair vs. Hair match. Now that's going to be a dream match. Get out the Breck Shampoo.
(4) It was announced that Jim Ross might be back as soon as next Monday night. (And not a moment too soon.)
(5) And finally, two words for Jonathan Coachman: SHUT UP!
Review of the Program
Quarter Hour 1
Last week Mister McMahon came out to avenge what Kane had done to Linda, except he ended up recruiting the Next Red Thing for his own nefarious deeds. Stone Cold, of course, had other plans and he tried his best to provoke Kane. But it was Shane McMahon who ultimately got the revenge.
Jonathan Coachman (heavy sigh) and Jerry "The King" Lawler welcomed viewers to Raw, live from the PNE Coliseum in Vancouver, British Columbia. (Coach had better watch his back; that new "interview guy" from Heat is available since Stevie Night Heat F-I-R-E-D him last night.)
Shane McMahon came out to a good pop from the Vancouver crowd. Shane said that he intended to finish what he'd started last week with Kane. He assured Kane he would make his life a living hell.
Eric Bischoff strolled out to his music and said he felt for Shane. If Linda hadn't given him the night off 2 weeks ago, Kane would never have been able to lay a hand on Shane's mother. There's nothing he'd rather see than Kane vs. Shane tonight ("YAY," went the crowd), but he can't do that ("BOO," went the crowd). The first thing out of Vince's mouth was that Kane vs. Rob Van Dam would happen at SummerSlam. The second thing out of his mouth was that Shane should be escorted from the building. Bischoff offered Shane the opportunity to leave on his own.
Shane reminded Eric that he thought he was nothing more than a parasite who disgusted him. He didn't give a damn what anyone said, he would not leave the ring. He challenged Eric to "make" him get out of the ring.
Eric said he was a co-General Manager because he can control his emotions (really?) -- and he has a black belt. He suggested that Shane get to stepping.
The other co-General Manager had something to say about that. He came out and told Shane to get out of the ring, too.
"What?" asked the crowd.
"He has a black belt; he'll kick your ass," continued the Rattlesnake. He said Eric really did care deeply about Linda McMahon. In fact, he'd said in the past that he likes big breasted, mature women like Shane's mother. Bischoff was getting flustered. Austin said he could take out his frustrations in a no holds barred match tonight.
Quarter Hour 2
Bischoff, the Karate Kid, was thinking fast. He remembered that the General Managers had been warned not to lay a hand on the superstars.
Austin determined that Shane was not a contracted superstar; therefore, there was no reason the match could not take place.
Bischoff just about wet his pants. Then suddenly he changed his mind and got very cooperative. "You're on." (I smell a rat.)
(Commercial break) (Looks like DDP found something to do; he was on the promo for SlamBall which would follow Raw.)
(1) Bubba Ray Dudley (w/D-Von) pinned Rene Dupree (w/Sylvan Grenier). This fight had started last week. It featured the expected interference, some missed spots and some sloppy work on the part of La Resistance. Fortunately, it was over quickly after a Bubba Bomb. Bubba Ray pinned Dupree, who'd been busted open when D-Von nailed him with the French flagpole. That'll teach them to bring international objects to the ring with them.
Triple H was lounging in the dressing room with Ric Flair and Randy Orton. Bischoff hurried in and said he had a proposition for Helmsley.
Quarter Hour 3
Last week's Ruthless Aggression tour in Australia had been well received by the fans Down Under.
(2) Randy Orton pinned Scott Steiner (w/Stacy Keibler). Orton's new entrance music was reminiscent of Raven's old ECW entrance music. Orton said he could feel the tension in the arena. He figured it was because more people had come to see his nipples than had come to see Stacy's. He really said that.
Steiner had heard enough and started the match whether Randy was ready or not.
Coach updated the audience on Jim Ross's condition and said he may be back as early as next week. (Pretty please, with whipped cream and a cherry on top!)
Orton used Stacy as a shield as he and Orton circled on the outside. Back in the ring, Steiner did some push ups and more or less showed Orton who was the boss. A belly-to-belly suplex off the ropes saw Orton land a little roughly, and he stayed on the mat while Test (big surprise) came down and interfered.
With an RKO on Steiner, Orton took the win. Test was proud of himself, as was Orton.
Triple H and Flair were watching the match in their dressing room. Bischoff burst in and wanted an answer to his offer. Trips accepted the deal.
Backstage, Rosey assured Hurricane that he was ready to be a superhero tonight, but Hurricane wasn't so sure. Christian walked up and asked if Rosey's superpower was eating a stack of cheeseburgers in a single bound. Since he'd left Booker in Australia, Christian said he was ready to take on Hurricane tonight. "Go ahead, beeatch," taunted Hurricane.
Rosey walked up with a box in his hands which had "SHIT" printed on it. "Holy shit," mouthed Hurricane. He asked where Rosey got the SHIT kit, and was told he'd made it. "You're not ready yet," said Hurricane, shaking his heat in disbelief.
Shane was pacing on the loading dock.
Eric Bischoff was deep in conversation with Rodney Mack when Austin came in and demanded to know what was up.
Bischoff said he had a foolproof plan for his match with Shane. Somehow, the conversation turned to SummerSlam and Bischoff said it would be Goldberg vs. Triple H as the main event at SummerSlam, no disqualifications. And there was nothing Austin could do about it. He should know better than to say that to Austin; you could almost see the wheels turning in Stone Cold's head.
Quarter Hour 4
(3) Christian pinned Hurricane. Good match, although it was a rather short one. Hurricane's shining wizard was countered by Christian, who rolled Hurricane up for the pin. Hurricane complained to the ref, but Christian jumped back into the ring and started to stomp a mud hole in Hurricane.
Suddenly Hurricane 's music hit, and out came Rosey wearing a purple mask, purple shorts, and a bed sheet for a cape. He saved the day (Mighty Mouse style). Hurricane could hardly believe his eyes, but in the end he figured he'd go with the flow and accepted Rosey as a trainee superhero.
Quarter Hour 5
A police van pulled into the garage with guess who inside.
(4) Goldberg vs. Ric Flair (w/Triple H) ended in a brawl. Triple H joined Lawler and Coach on commentary. Flair got a good reaction from the crowd, but Goldberg got a tremendous reaction.
Coach asked Triple H about the "altercation" he'd had with Goldberg after last week's Raw, and Triple H acknowledged he'd injured his groin.
Goldberg picked up Flair and slammed him. Flair backed Goldberg into the ropes and dished out some big chops, then focused on Goldberg's knee. More Flair chops, but Goldberg no sold them like they were love taps. Goldberg threw Flair around like a rag doll. Flair got to the top rope, but Goldberg pulled him off.
Randy Orton ran out with a steel chair and waffled Goldberg. The bell rang. End of match. But not the end of the action. Flair low-blowed Goldberg, then Triple H got out his trusty sledgehammer. Flair and Orton held Goldberg so Triple H could drive the hammer into his midsection. Just when it was looking grim for Goldberg, Shawn Michaels came out to clean house. But Jericho was hot on Shawn's heels, followed by Kevin Nash.
Austin came out to elaborate on the SummerSlam main event. It would be Triple H vs. Goldberg, no DQ, for the World title. While he couldn't change the match, he could add to it, and the main event would be Triple H vs. Goldberg, no DQ. It would also include Chris Jericho, Kevin Nash, Randy Orton, and Shawn Michaels. The main event and the title would be defended at SummerSlam in an Elimination Chamber.
In the ring, Goldberg speared Flair, and Triple H's blood began to boil.
(Commercial break) (Watch SlamBall, it has a lot of "aerialisticness." Say what?)
Quarter Hour 6
"Sexy Boy" was playing and Nash and HBK were celebrating in the ring and lapping up the adulation.
Meanwhile, Terri was in the crowd interviewing someone about the second season of SlamBall.
Jericho jumped into the ring and attacked Kevin Nash, but all he got for his trouble was a big boot and a face full of mat. (Nash, who'd fainted in Australia, did not look well.)
Bischoff was in a panic backstage, as he watched the members of Evolution tend to the speared Ric Flair. Eric wanted to know if the deal was still on for his match with Shane. Triple H asked Eric to change the match at SummerSlam, but Bischoff admitted he couldn't do anything about it. "Then you're on your own," said Triple H.
(5) Women's Title Match: Trish Stratus over Molly Holly via DQ. Good acrobatic action from Trish, with many roll-ups and near pins. Trish ducked and Molly went sailing through the ropes. Victoria ran down to the ring and took out a little left-over Ruthless Aggression on Trish, then she and Molly double-teamed Trish. Gail Kim came out and chased the heels away. Gail helped Trish up . . . then clotheslined her. The fur is going to be flying in coming weeks.
Quarter Hour 7
In a frenzy, Shane ran up to the van with Kane inside, but the police chased him away.
In the locker room, Lance Storm admitted he was boring and asked for Goldust's help. Goldust was delighted to be of service. "We'll have a b-b-b-ball," he said.
A distressed Bischoff ran up and told the police that Shane was raising hell. They all ran off (and disappeared, never to be seen again) and Eric smiled one of his Sleazy E smiles and pulled out a key. The plot thickens.
(6) Rob Van Dam pinned Chris Jericho.
Lawler wasn't cutting Coach any slack tonight. He berated him for his "leap kick" call and his constant use of "whatever" as an answer to most any question.
Slow start to this match, and Coach explained it as RVD still feeling the effects of his encounter with Kane a few weeks ago. Jericho suplexed RVD to the outside, and he had enough left in him to drop kick Van Dam once they go back into the ring.
Quarter Hour 8
Lawler said he hoped J.R. wouldn't be back next week, because he wanted to hear some more "rubber legs galore" and "110%" from the Coach.
Jericho started to go for the Walls, but RVD rolled him up for a 2 count.
RVD made a comeback, but his Rolling Thunder was met with Jericho's feet in the air. Jericho made a quick cover, but RVD kicked out.
Nobody home for Jericho's Lionsault. RVD went up to for a Five Star Frog Splash, but missed. Jericho went for another pin, but RVD escaped. Jericho put RVD in the Walls of Jericho, but the ref made him break the hold because RVD had reached the ropes. Rob Van Dam was up and in short order, surprised Jericho with the winning pin.
"This is a conspiracy against me. The only reason I lost that match is because of Kevin Nash." Jericho said he was Mr. Canada and Nash didn't respect that. It would be his quest to face Nash in a Hair vs. Hair match.
Eric Bischoff was walking down a hallway, smiling to himself . . . and the paddy wagon was empty.
Bischoff was being Mr. Cool. He came out with a big pad and called a crew member into the ring. The point was apparently to demonstrate his martial arts abilities. It didn't scare Shane away. (Actually, it wouldn't have scared a mosquito away it was such a lame demonstration of power kicks.)
(7) Eric Bischoff pinned Shane McMahon. Both were in their street clothes and street shoes, but that didn't stop Shane from pummeling Bischoff.
Kane's music hit and Shane walked up the ramp to greet him. Shane wrapped some wires abound Kane's neck, but Kane retaliated with a boot to the face. Kane slammed Shane into the ring post and then the guardrail. Loud "Shane-o Mac" chant.
"Where are the cops when ya need them?" asked Lawler. Good question.
Kane tombstoned Shane on the steel ring steps and rolled him into the ring. Shane looked totally wiped out, and Eric covered Shane to get the win. Bischoff managed to acquire a bloody nose somewhere along the way.
A crowing Bischoff came over to celebrate with Coach and Lawler as the show went off the air.
The Wrap Up This jet-lagged episode of Raw was fair to middlin'. The main event for SummerSlam is getting interesting, but I'm more interested in the Hair vs. Hair match between Jericho and Kevin Nash, both of whom are famous for their tresses. The Women's Division seems to be lacking in babyfaces and Trish will have her hands full if she wants to recapture the title.
Comments? You can reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org. See you in The Lounge on Saturday.
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