THE SPECIALISTS ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw: Lesnar Ruins HBK's Favorite Shirt, What If Brock Didn't Attack Shawn?, Cena's New Color Scheme For Summerslam, Brock Doesn't Care About Ratings
Aug 15, 2012 - 10:07:02 AM
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By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist
Absurd Stream of Raw Tweets
Did JTG try to sabotage his segment or is he just really a bad actor? Actually, he deserves to be paid more than chump change at WrestleMania.
What is up with Ryback's music? The band that plays Ryback's song is the Pinkeye Pansies. Now I'm gonna get some pinkeye on you. Now I'm gonna get some pinkeye on you. Maybe Summerslam should feature Ryback versus a shark to see who's on top of the food chain.
Now, I have to watch the commerical for "A Touch Of Cloth." Quick, somebody, light the Titantron on fire. And, Michael Phelps promotes Wheaties and Head & Shoulders. I promote sugar water and fast food.
HBK apparently didn't change his shirt. I miss Piper's "FRATS" t-shirt. Also, shouldn't HBK stay...far...far away from Brock? As in not be in the same arena with him? Makes...sense. Wait, it's the ONE MANN BAWMNNNDDDDD who's facing...a current WWE wrestler! Whoa.
It looks like the real PPV build-up is later in the show...as in three hours and an over-run later. Raw's first hour is where you tweet to decide the rest of the show, because they don't know how to entertain you for the first hour.
Elsewhere in Raw Social Media World, nothing screams serious heel like sending a Tout. Can't Piper be like Clint Eastwood and bash social media like the cranky guy he is?
Back to Michaels. HBK: Let me hide in this darkened hallway, he won't attack me. Next skit we'll see HBK wearing a sign saying, "I hope Brock doesn't find me." Apparently the logic here is that HBK is looking for Trips. Yeah, not a great set-up.
Welcome to the second hour. Where's our gold medal for making it through the first hour? Thanks for recapping. So far, A.J.'s booking skills involve whoever appears in the ring at the time. Piper would be in, but he's busy babbling at a concession stand. And, a Tower of Doom spot: pretty much mandatory in any triple-threat match.
I don't find C.M. Punk talking trivial things like a sensitive wimp interesting. I'm guessing Punk's going to sic Aces & Eight on them (what?).
Is Wade Barrett Batman? Serious talking here. Life used to be very simple. I used to lead a group called Nexus. Then it disbanded. I fought Randy Orton. Then I got hurt in a stupid match.
Usually I have a crush on one diva, from your Sunny to your Stacy.. Nowadays...nope. Nothing here. At least this ref isn't biased. C'mon, ref, be like Earl Hebner and be biased. You can get a video package out of it!
Is there a PPV this Sunday? WWE has to know that fans are watching this show for another hour for... two bits. Trips hasn't arrived at Raw yet. He's staying far, far away. Raw: How to stretch four PPV hype bits over a three-hour show.
Cena: It's time... to think of my new color scheme for Summerslam. I'm thinking pretty in pink with white trim. Fact: C.M. Punk had to ask permission from Triple H and James Hetfeld before he could grow out those muttonchops. Now, Cena's going to hang out with Kevin Nash and Punk and gain some knowledge. And, Bryan loses again. They know how hot he is, but they're not having Show, Cena, or Punk eat a loss, so he's the fall guy. So, the thing we take away is that Bryan isn't quite "Summerslam Main Event Material," and has to fight Kane...who hasn't shown up. Also, so, C.M. Punk and Cena don't like each other. We... already knew that? From ... a year ago? It's not like Punk was super over as face. This Punk heelish route is gonna take forever and is a bore so far. It's just not really interesting to be a part of yet.
Shane McKinley's Raw diet: (2) bologna and cheese sandwiches with some cheese crackers. I'm interrupted by Damien Sandow vs. Christian. "Look at this ignormaus. CH isn't even a element!"
Um... why is HBK waiting for Trips again? You have got to be kidding me. That is a cheap ploy. Brock could have taken him out right there...but decided to wait? What? It looks like Brock, who doesn't care about entertaining or ratings, wants to make sure his beating of HBK gets high ratings. Meanwhile, HBK has been walking around for three hours waiting for Trips. He's almost as senile as Piper.
This is gonna last 30 more minutes? Dude, I'm having deja vu...of last week. Pretty much the definition of dragging a bit over two shows. Trips: Hold on, I don't know how to use a pen...urgh...uhhh...there we go. 20 more minutes. HBK: I guess I'll just mosey on over and stand under this anvil...derp dee derp.
C'mon, HBK, side with a country boy like Brock Lesnar. You never cared for the Greenwich prick anyways.
Here's Big Show walking down the ramp...is this a recap show? Oh wait, somebody is honking. HBK is in a Taurus and Heyman is blocking him. Guess who comes up from behind? It's Brocky.
And, we see none of it. Camera goes out. "I told ya I'm gonna get ya!" We just hear HBK's painful screams...which is actually better. Leave it to our imagination...and they cut to commerical. Better keep watching.
Kinda cheap. HBK might be choking on his blood, but I don't know anything. I guess I'll just have to sit through these happy go-lucky commercials before I get word.
Triple H is having deja vu of when he rammed Shawn's head into a car window.
I know it's kayfabe, but... what if Lesnar didn't attack Shawn? Would A.J. have booked herself to skip down the ramp to end the show?
HBK, writhing in pain: "... and this ... was my favorite shirt, too..."
Interesting bit is that Paul Heyman sold concern that Brock broke HBK's arm. Typically in that situation Heyman would be laughing like a madman. But, instead Heyman had his hands on his hips, aghast at what his client did.
That's it for me. Here's to hoping Lesnar-Trips is a happy go-lucky match.
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