Absurdity of it All ABSURDITY OF IT ALL: How Miz Plans To Make Cena Say "I Quit," Orton Steals Christian's Kazoo, Jericho To Return As Thor, If Steinbeck Booked Cole-Lawler
May 11, 2011 - 10:32:56 AM
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By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist
“Ill out the gate, I set it off
I suppose you're exposed, so get lost
You break off, cut all connections
Join the sucker emcee witness protection”
-“Here’s A Little Something For Ya” by The Beastie Boys
Did you know that it’s Charles Wright's (a/k/a The Godfather) birthday next Monday? It's true. Maybe WWE should throw him a birthday bash as well. Just think of all he’s done for the hoes around the world. Monday's Raw? The sucker wasn’t “live,” it was a re-run. Come on, mister Raw head writer Brian.
-The statement “Miz will make John Cena say ‘I Quit’ at Over The Limit” isn’t actually a statement; it’s a punchline. There should be a laugh track playing when the announcers hype up that Cena could say “I Quit” at the hands of Miz. Perhaps Mizzy and A-Ry can make Cena say those two words by pelting him with softballs. I believe Miz and A-Ry are the only few males on planet earth wearing those baseball tees in public. Nothing says, “I’m a cool badass,” like the boys section at Old Navy.
It is plausible that Miz could make Cheesy Cena give up, if a boatload of work was done for his character. WWE doesn’t have that time. Over The Limit is May 22.
Whenever a match has a concept to it, be it an “I Quit” match or a “Last Man Standing” match, the concept should in some way reflect the nature of the feud itself. WWE picked the “I Quit” match because they haven’t used it yet and because it made them chuckle. Has the Cena-Miz storyline focused on an intense hatred for each other and wanting to prove they’re the tougher man? Does this feud have a Cena injury angle so it’s not impossible to entertain the notion that Mr. Real World could make Cena give up? No, no, no. The main storyline for this feud so far? The on-again/off-again bromance of Miz and A-Ry.
I do see a scenario where Miz shoves a mic in Cena’s grill and growls, “Say I quit!” Cena would then respond in this heroic fashion: “I can never quit you, Rock!” Then, Cena gets up and tosses Miz through the roof of the arena.
WWE PPVs are marked nowadays by rushed and often lukewarm buildup, while the PPV content itself typically delivers. Cena vs. Miz at Over the Limit is fluff. And I’m guessing Cena is going to be involved in a lot of more fluff until Summerslam, where he’ll most likely face Del Rio.
-The one championship angle that has intrigued people is a probable Christian vs. Randy Orton feud. Although people are still wary about how much WWE love Christian has, it’s hard not to see that there isn’t a whole lot of top talent over on Smackdown. So, with The Peep vs. The Viper at Over the Limit for the World Title, what I’ll be looking for on the next Smackdown episodes is some sign of a possible heel turn for Christian. If Christian does go heel, it will most likely be a slow heel turn.
Randy Orton is a third-generation Superstar who came to WWE to trash hotel rooms and get owned by Triple H. Meanwhile, Christian had to drive on Canadian death-roads, learn how to play kazoo, risk his well-being in ladder matches, and lock lips with Trish Stratus. Christian’s had the tougher road. And here comes this jerk Orton to snatch away his dream away from him.
The character of Christian, if he does go heel, will have the edge by playing the smart twerp who knows how to outsmart Orton. Christian got a little taste of being champion and he needs it back in the worst way possible. I’m hoping it happens, because as their Smackdown match showed, these guys can put on a show.
I think the outrage over Christian not lasting very long as champion stemmed from some fans hardly being involved in Christian’s victory. When Jeff Hardy won the WWE Title, WWE wasn’t going to keep it on him for very long. But, they waited a while before they did the ol’ injury angle for Jeff to relinquish the gold. If Christian lost the title in order to quickly get into this heel Christian vs. Orton angle, then that makes the medicine go down better.
It was the combination of fans being privy to the “Kiss Rock’s Ass Club” on Monday and feeling like a 17-year veteran got chumped out on Friday. Although WWE played up the events of the last Smackdown as “anything might happen,” that notion only goes so far. For example, you could talk in glowing terms about how no one expected Hulk Hogan to win the championship at the end of WrestleMania 9, but in reality, older fans knew that Bret Hart just got screwed.
It’s important for older fans to come to the realization that WWE's product is not aimed at them, but if WWE is going to keep promoting Cena-Miz fluff, WWE needs to at least provide something meaty for viewers to sink their teeth into. And that’s why there's a call for a prolonged and substantial Christian-Orton feud. Or maybe Christian gets booted down the ladder and has to wear a toga. Because anything might happen.
-R-Truth’s heel character and shenanigans would land him a gig on a Tyler Perry show. I have no problems with him lacing goofy humor, but, of course, there are limits.
-You think Mason Ryan and Rob Terry call each other and boast about how much they sucked during their last match? "No, I suck way worse than you, dude!" It’s a contest where nobody wins, fellas.
-John Morrison’s hurt? That’s okay. He has great mic skills and an entertaining personality. (Laugh Track Plays) Also, Cena vs. Miz in an “I Quit” match! (Laugh Track Plays)
-The United States championship is being now defended on Raw. And now it's over. Just like that. Should I have hyped this up more in the article? Nah. I have a fat Michael Cole bit to devote space to.
-WWE’s been on the phone with former stars, as well as giving dark match tryouts to those they let slip through the cracks years ago. The one dude I hope WWE brings back is Chris Jericho. Raw has heels, but they’re not top heels (one day, Drew McIntyre, one day). Chris Jericho coming back as the new leader of Nexus to show them how to dance and play air guitar solos? I can dig that scene. Jericho says he doesn’t want to come back as a ragin’ metrosexual, nor as a stuffy suit. I hope he comes back as the God of Thunder.
-Read John Steinbeck’s “The Wayward Bus.” It was great during the start, stalled a bit in the middle, I thought the story was going one way and then it surprised me, hooked me back in, and then ended in a big, sleazy mess. As such, it’s up to wrestling writers to pay attention to fans and tweak and adjust storylines so that fans will want to see what happens to the very end.
But, I’m sure that if Mr. Steinbeck were alive and were asked to book the rest of the Michael Cole-Jerry Lawler feud, he’d throw up his hands and burn rubber in his RV getaway. This feud is deader than the notion of talking about dead family members to get heat. Again.
Let’s see: Possible Hall of Fame introduction for Cole, who’s been knighted and undefeated in his PPV matches. The whole HOF angle just reeks of desperation. There's a bad feud still going that has pretty much shown everything it has. What’s left? Perhaps a goofy gimmick for the hot announcer-on-announcer action. Can’t there be a PPV feud with, you know, some people-who-were-formerly-known-as-wrestlers?
WWE would say that people are still into this feud, and they are right. The Hendersons gather around their TV to watch Over the Limit and they laugh heartily when they see Michael Cole get beat up. Five other families at the Henderson house watching the PPV laugh as well. Then, they head outside to churn butter and wonder what else Michael Cole will do.
It probably doesn’t mean the end of Cole's ring time during Raws and PPVs. Yikes. And Cole going undefeated in three straight PPV matches? Did Lawler win all those championships on fluke wins and bribes? Oh well. I’m sure they don’t have any more incredulous plans for Mikey Cole. (Laugh Track Plays)
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