Absurdity of it All ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw & TNA: Using The Recently-Dead For Storylines, Bully Ray King Of Da World, Swagger To Be Sold To N. Korea Post-WM29, And Raw Gets A Flat
Mar 12, 2013 - 12:01:24 PM
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By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist
"I am human debris
I am crashed and dead
I'm a catastrophe"
-"Damage" by Red
You know, when William Moody a/k/a Paul Bearer died, one of my first thoughts was, "They'll probably use his death in this Punk-Undertaker storyline."
It was automatic. Didn't hesitate. It's not that I consider myself a "Boy, I sure hate Mondays and every jerk living on this rock" type of cat. It's just that my experience watching WWE would lead me to believe, yeah, the WWE machine would do that.
And, indeed WWE did what I thought they would do. Right when Raw got out of the gate. Was it the evilest thing shown on TV today? No. Did it make you lose all hope for mankind during this month of crappy movies and single-player videogames that you can't play? No.
In wrestling they're looking to get to you to respond. And having C.M. Punk basically curb stomp more of your childhood makes great strides for his heel work. But, with the opening segment, it felt like WWE was curbstomping us with the use of the not-even-a-week-old news of Moody's death in a storyline.
When The Simpsons recently made that outdated joke that "wrestling fans are morons" (it's not like The Simpsons made many current jokes in their tenure), wrestling fans could shrug it off. Then, we watch that Miz-Jericho...bizzare attempt at something resembling a product created by human brains and we smell our fingers and then jam them up our noses. We are who they think we are.
Many people watched Monday Night Raw knowing that WWE would use Moody's death in the plotline, and the man was barely resting in his casket. I guess timing counts with everything. I didn't have a problem with Punk & Heyman making fun of Lawler's heart attack, because there was a period to accept the scary event that happened.
Sometimes it feels when watching a Raw segment is that the plan is not "What can we do here?" but "How much time will this kill?" The no. 1 goal, of course, is ratings. And that's why you get some Raws that don't have a soul. They feel cheaply produced. And from three hours, no one can remember a damn thing other than Brock Lesnar destroying the Voodoo Kin Mafia. Also around this time of the year, it's fun to play "Who's not going to be here in May?" when watching Raw. Quite a list I've have, you see.
"Maybe we shouldn't use somebody's death in a storyline? I mean, the fans can see right through it." "Nuts to them. Nuts to how they feel. Other people will make fun of them for being too sensitive. Now let's go drown this fat man in cement."
Elsewhere, I kinda like what TNA is doing with logic in their storylines. They just don't care anymore. And they're boasting about it. Vice President of Aces & Eights D'Lo Brown is found out by Kurt Angle, and yet Angle doesn't tell anyone for a week? That storyline logic deserves a gold medal. Bully Ray sets up a cutesy Aces & Eights run-in just to throw all you chumps off before revealing that he is the Aces & Eights President? Ha ha, losers.
I rather applaud it. Because when I heard of the actual match-up of Bully vs. Jeff Hardy in a cage, my face sort of melted and I went, "Ewww." TNA's got their big & fat Aces & Eights storyline that it only took 11 centuries to get. That storyline can only go up, because it has spent so much time in the stinking gutter. Pssh. Logic is over-rated. Who cares. It's not like people watch wrestling for the storylines.
Back to Raw. The sad thing about the last Raw is that a good chunk of it didn't need to be shown. People stayed away from this Raw. It sure doesn't help matters when Rock's away, Trips is away, and every week people are wondering, "Who showed up today? Oh look, it's the Bella Twins. Too bad there's not eight of them or WWE would actually have a Divas division."
You knew that the Zeb Colter angle was gonna get real loud and real stupid real fast. I've already become numb to it and am patiently waiting for the end, much like watching a pendulum coming down slowly. The good news is that at the end of it all, Jack Swagger gets sold to North Korea so that they don't blow up 'Murica. We the people, Jack. They'll strap you to a rocket and then you'll really get high. Try not to do more driving under the influence while lit up in the future.
Finally, I want to apologize to the late Paul Bearer. You see, I finally rented WWE '13 this week, and one of the challenges that I faced was to knock out video-game Paul Bearer in under a minute with The Undertaker. I felt kinda bad destroying video-game Paul Bearer since the news about his death, but I needed to unlock that bonus match, Paul. So I kept throwing those haymakers and doing powerbombs. Sorry, man. But, I think you'll understand since everyone says you would have wanted it that way.
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