MCNEILL'S TAKE MCNEILL'S Late Night Blog - WWE Summerslam 2015: No shave 'til Brooklyn, lots of blood, Cesaro's warm-up match for Z.Z., more!
Aug 24, 2015 - 3:22:05 AM
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WWE Summerslam Late Night Blog 8/23
By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist
It's time for five hours, FIVE &%$#@ing hours of WWE Summerslam, which I will be watching from the Giant Corporation Worldwide IT Headquarters while trying to do my other job. I have green tea. I have the WWE Network. Everything else is gravy.
It's the kickoff show, and I'm watching on the off chance that there's a wrestling match. Two minutes into this, and I know I'm either going to have to fast forward a lot. But hey, that NXT show last night was pretty awesome, huh?
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Renee quotes The Beastie Boys. Byron quotes Marvin Gaye. Tom Phillips is in the Social Media Lounge, where he has to read your tweets and look at your fan art. Some people *do* have worse jobs than mine.
Jon Stewart is your host tonight. If Russo were booking, Stewart turns on Cena to help Rollins keep the title.
Video package for Reigns/Ambrose vs. Wyatt/Harper. Byron Saxton is the only person in the building who doesn't know what Bray Wyatt means when he says "Anyone but you." I'm muting this. Be back when something happens.
Backstage, John Cena meets Jon Stewart. The original Kings of Comedy, together again.
Kevin Owens staggers onto the set. Let me turn the volume up. Owens is out to complain about Booker saying he's jealous of Cesaro. He yells at Booker and steals Byron's energy drink. Kudos to Renee for acting scared of Owens. Okay, he's gone. Back to mute.
Rich Brennan drew the short straw and is interviewing Sheamus backstage. He plans to kick Randy Orton in the face several times. Decent plan. Jojo drew the shorter straw and is holding the microphone for Stephanie McMahon. She has nothing to say, so it only takes three minutes.
You can play "WWE 2K16" as The Terminator. That makes sense. Why wrestle against Seth Rollins when you can shoot him?
Arrow & Neville are ready to answer your Twitter questions. Yeah, I'm going to get some more tea. The video packages are grinding to completion, Lillian Garcia is in the ring, and we're about ready to go.
Summerslam kicks off with Jon Stewart in the ring. Glad Stewbeef took the trouble to shave and dress up for this. Jon tells us that WWE is better than politics. That's something we can all agree on. Preliminary indications show this will be a pro-Rollins crowd. Stewart wants his good friend Mick Foley to help him confront the evil Brock Lesnar. Foley, to his credit, is too smart to agree to this. Actually, Foley and Stewart work well together.
We get the usual great opening video. I like that Cena's new t-shirt is Mountain Dew green. Nothing like going that extra mile to pop the sponsor.
Randy Orton vs. Sheamus is your opener. You know we'll get some tables broken, because WWE has its Spanish, French, and Esperanto broadcast teams at ringside. The two former WWE Heavyweight champions batter each other with kicks and punches. The crowd, of course, chants for Sami Zayn.
Orton hits an exploder which dumps Sheamus over the top rope. I was shocked. Shocked that Michael Cole recognized the move. Orton gets his forehead busted open, and no one stops the match. The Attitude Era is back!
We get the obligatory RKO Out of Nowhere, but Sheamus rolls out of the ring. Curses. Orton misses the punt. Sheamus hits a pair of Brogue Kicks and gets the win. Great. Can we end this feud now?
Who's dorkier than WWE fans? Fantasy football players. Hey, I ought to know. The Four-Way Tag Match of Doom is next. The New Day adds on to their entrance by introducing the Brooklyn crowd to something called "hip-hop." It might catch on.
The New Day rocks as they do a three-on-one beat down of Darren Young. JBL compares Dr. Xavier Woods to Vince Lombardi. Well, Lombardi's in no position to object to that comparison. Titus O'Neil gets the hot tag and takes time out from his comeback to beat up all the masked lucha wrestlers. Sin Cara and Fernando get in and audition for the next episode of Botchamania. See spots. See spots run. Kofi pins un Matador and the Tag Titles are back where they belong.
Not only is Jon Stewart scared of Brock Lesnar, he's also scared of The Undertaker.
Up next, the next chapter of the epic feud between Rusev and Lana. We get the video package of Lana and Summer Rae warming up for the fall season of Apartment House Wrestling. Back to the match. Lana has been made over to look like Robin Sparkles. Dolph starts the match with a headbutt. That's not smart. Lawler says it's brains vs. brawn. JBL says this business is all about brawn. He ain't kidding, either. Cole says Ziggler has been having trouble breathing since Rusev injured his throat. Cole wonders if that could factor into the match. No, oxygen is over-rated.
Rusev gets frustrated by his inability to put Zigglepuss. He climbs the ropes so DZ can catch him with a top rope X Factor. Rusev comes back and hits a senton. Somehow, Dolph survived. They both escape each other's finishers. Lana slaps Summer at ringside, and that leads to both men leaving the ring while their respective ladies fight. Yes, it's a double count-out. Who could have predicted that finish? Oh, right. I did. The two couples brawl afterwards. This feud must continue.
Up next, it's Crisis On Infinite Rings. I'm guessing the actual match won't be as good as the video package.
Green Arrow & Red Arrow vs. The Cosmic Kings. For a superhero, Stephen Amell sure has boring ring gear. Lawler thinks Amell is a better athlete than Andy Kaufman, especially since Andy's been dead for so long. Amell gets face-to-face with Stardust. They're about the same size. Arrow's no Lawrence Taylor, but he looks okay in there. Amell has to sell, and JBL gets to suggest that Amell use a stunt double.
If Amell rolls under the ring and Damien Sandow rolls out the other side, I promise to laugh.
Neville gets the hot tag. Amell dives from the top rope onto the heels at ringside. Neville finishes Barrett with the Red Arrow. It's a happy ending.
Those Tough Enough kids are still in Brooklyn. You'd think they'd be getting ready for Tuesday.
Hey, we're WWE and we're here in New York. Pay attention to us!
Ryback vs. Show vs. Miz. Everyone plays his role. Cole references Jason Albert winning the IC Title in New York in 2001. That actually happened, by the way. The fans chant for Ryback. Ryback almost beats Show with the Shellshock. "Miz is following the script" screams Cole. More silly three-way spots. Show punches Miz and Ryback pins Miz. Okay comedy match. "Classic triple threat match" says Cole. Sure, if by "classic" you mean "short."
Jon Stewart gets to play off Paul Heyman, and it's hard to tell who enjoyed that more. Heyman gets the final punchline. Somehow, I don't think we'll get Stewart vs. Lesnar at Night of Champions.
This feed has more bufferin' than a bottle of coated aspirin.
Your next match is Not The Shield taking on Not The Wyatt Family. Roman throws Luke around. I have no problem with that. Harper rallies on Reigns. Ambrose dives onto the heels. Roman takes a nap by the French announce table. Ambrose takes a beating before Roman recovers and cleans house. Ambrose hits Bray with Dirty Deeds and Reigns hits the spear for the win. They sent up the finish to such a ridiculous extent I was half-expecting Ambrose to turn on Reigns before the spear. Didn't happen.
It's time for Rollins vs. Cena. And why not? We've only got two hours left.
I know some people don't like him, but I'd like to thank Seth Rollins for wearing white pants before Labor Day. That's old school. The three planchas in a row bit is new school.
Cena knew the double stomp was coming, and there was nothing he could do about it except maybe LETTING GO OF THE TOP ROPE, YOU BIG DUMMY! I was dubious about Rollins getting his own statue on Titan Tower, until I realized they could use Seth's statue to replace the statue of Hulk Hogan.
The two men trade deadlift into Attitude Adjustment spots. Cena locks on the STF. Rollins begs Cena to beat him with a real move instead, so Cena goes to the figure-four. Seth reverses. We make a trip to downtown Ref Bump City, and Rollins kicks Cena in the nose.
It's Jon Stewart! Holy crap! Russo is back! And he turned on Cena! Pedigree on Cena's nose! The crowd goes ape. I knew it. I knew you couldn't trust a progressive.
Actually, that's not even the highlight here. The highlight was Cole calling the replay and explaining that Rollins "hit Cena in the nose, temporary blinding Cena." That's funny stuff.
MSG house show, live on the Network on October 3. That's awesome, and it explains why Brock's been advertised for the event.
It's time for the finals of the Divas Team Challenge Series. 25 points for the winners. Team B.A.D. gets eliminated by the Scooby Doobies, and we're down to Paige fighting off all three gals by herself. Hot tag to Charlotte, who almost wins with the figure eight. Brie comically misses her Brie Mode dropkick and Becky beats a Bella. Team PCB are your WWE Six-Woman Tag Team Champions.
This was an okay match. The NXT women's match was a lot better.
The Terminator has Dean Ambrose listed as United States Champion. He has bad intel.
Antonio Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens. Cesaro is out first. He's wrestling ZZ on Tough Enough Tuesday, and this is his warm-up match. "It's been a rough few weeks for Kevin Owens," says Cole. You don't say. Kevin's so determined to stay heel that he hits a resthold in here. Chinlock, Owens, chinlock. Nope, we get a bunch of big spots.
Cesaro has the advantage. Cole and JBL think somebody's gonna get Gotched. (Yeah, that was awful, but you should hear some of the jokes Uncle Jerry's trotted out this evening.) The Swiss Strongman can't put Big Kev away. Owens gets to hit all his big moves, and wins clean. It's about time.
Night of Champions ad. Cole tells us "Night of Champions" is one of his nine or ten favorite pay-per-views of the year.
Undertaker vs. Lesnar. This is the Undertaker of old, JBL tells us. Lesnar attacks before the bell. Despite concerns, the crowd seems solidly behind the Dead Man. This looks like an actual fight. It ought to be.
They're fairly stiff tonight. F5 through the announce table. Lesnar is busted open hardway. Again, no one is coming out to stop the match. Taker rallies. Chokeslam. Tombstone. Brock kicks out.
Kimura. Taker won't give. Last Ride. Brock kicks out again. F5. Undertaker kicks out. Third F5. Kickout. Brock gets too close. Hell's Gate. Nope. Brock reverses into the Kimura.
Somebody rang the bell, but Charles Robinson didn't call for the bell. Low blow by Taker. Hell's Gate. Brock flips Taker off, then passes out. That was very PG. Taker wins on a cheap finish by referee stoppage. Really? You couldn't do a clean finish here, either?
They show the replay. Undertaker tapped, the ref didn't see it, and the timekeeper rang the bell. Brock's a complete babyface. Heyman tells the crowd that Lesnar's the real winner. He has a good point.
That's it from here. Compared to tonight, watching a three-hour Raw tomorrow should be a piece of cake. Good night, everybody.
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